When I was about 14 I started studying with witnesses. My aunt conned me into, said we couldnt hang out if I didnt turn into a Jehovahs witness. So I did. I didnt really know anything about myself let alone the witnesses. My aunt and I are around the same age, we were close I thought. So after becoming a witness I was spiritually adopted by a very unstable witness woman who had two daughters. I had ALWAYS wanted to be like her youngest. After getting babtized I realized that my aunt really is not my friend, to this day she still isnt, even though she is no longer a believer. In an effort to belong somewhere I tried to fit into this family. Let me first say that this family is affluent, rich and self rightous. The head of the house doesnt like me to park my car in his driveway if its dirty, he doesnt want others to think its his car. So... As a 15/16 year old girl I tried to change myself to be like them. I still catch myself saying "What would ___ do?" I wanted to be like them so much, I started shopping at places I couldnt afford, I distanced myself from people thinking I am better than them. I used people to get ahead and I allowed my mind to be shaped by a severly depressed and mentally ill woman. I know I am probably the sick one in this story, but I truly thought if I could be more like these people, they would like me better. That everyone like me better. I had 2 family members that were witnesses, my grandmother and aunt. I completely blew off my own family for these people. And when I did visit with them I acted like princess of snob hill. I acquired abusive attitude torward others, using them for financial gain. I kept telling myself if I can just be a little more like ____ that things will get better and people will like me. Well after falling out of the truth I still had this idea in my head. I left and came back, yet I still talk to these people and want to be like them. To be honest, the matriarch has been one of the only people I can lean on, as long as Im in the truth that is. She constantly compares me to her daughter, who is DF'd, and I think to myself "Of course I am like her, I have spent half of my life trying to be her" In my ephiphanys, one of them was this " who am I?" I have spent so much time trying to be someone else, I have no idea who I am. I know who I have been, and I dont like what I see one bit. I feel that this family has not been good for me, I make their opinions count more then they should. I also found out that they have been treating me a babysitter to their mother. Anyways, I guess I needed to get all of this off of my chest, its cheaper then therapy. Is this a pretty common thing with young witnesses. I think my aunt also looked up to a affluent witness just to get shot down and ignorred. When someone tries to be your friend, most people realize it and reciprocat it. Then there are the haughty witnesses that sit on their pedestool and play puppeteer.
Thanks for listening to my rant- I guess acknowledging these revelations make it easier to recognize and correct it.