Trying to be someone else?

by Honeybucket 13 Replies latest jw friends

  • Honeybucket
    Honeybucket

    When I was about 14 I started studying with witnesses. My aunt conned me into, said we couldnt hang out if I didnt turn into a Jehovahs witness. So I did. I didnt really know anything about myself let alone the witnesses. My aunt and I are around the same age, we were close I thought. So after becoming a witness I was spiritually adopted by a very unstable witness woman who had two daughters. I had ALWAYS wanted to be like her youngest. After getting babtized I realized that my aunt really is not my friend, to this day she still isnt, even though she is no longer a believer. In an effort to belong somewhere I tried to fit into this family. Let me first say that this family is affluent, rich and self rightous. The head of the house doesnt like me to park my car in his driveway if its dirty, he doesnt want others to think its his car. So... As a 15/16 year old girl I tried to change myself to be like them. I still catch myself saying "What would ___ do?" I wanted to be like them so much, I started shopping at places I couldnt afford, I distanced myself from people thinking I am better than them. I used people to get ahead and I allowed my mind to be shaped by a severly depressed and mentally ill woman. I know I am probably the sick one in this story, but I truly thought if I could be more like these people, they would like me better. That everyone like me better. I had 2 family members that were witnesses, my grandmother and aunt. I completely blew off my own family for these people. And when I did visit with them I acted like princess of snob hill. I acquired abusive attitude torward others, using them for financial gain. I kept telling myself if I can just be a little more like ____ that things will get better and people will like me. Well after falling out of the truth I still had this idea in my head. I left and came back, yet I still talk to these people and want to be like them. To be honest, the matriarch has been one of the only people I can lean on, as long as Im in the truth that is. She constantly compares me to her daughter, who is DF'd, and I think to myself "Of course I am like her, I have spent half of my life trying to be her" In my ephiphanys, one of them was this " who am I?" I have spent so much time trying to be someone else, I have no idea who I am. I know who I have been, and I dont like what I see one bit. I feel that this family has not been good for me, I make their opinions count more then they should. I also found out that they have been treating me a babysitter to their mother. Anyways, I guess I needed to get all of this off of my chest, its cheaper then therapy. Is this a pretty common thing with young witnesses. I think my aunt also looked up to a affluent witness just to get shot down and ignorred. When someone tries to be your friend, most people realize it and reciprocat it. Then there are the haughty witnesses that sit on their pedestool and play puppeteer.

    Thanks for listening to my rant- I guess acknowledging these revelations make it easier to recognize and correct it.

  • Satanus
    Satanus

    " who am I?"

    It's a good first question, and good to keep in mind, as a long term thought.

    S

  • Hortensia
    Hortensia

    I know who I have been, and I dont like what I see one bit.

    That's a good start. Try to find some better role models. You're not much different from the rest of us. I know I spent years trying to please people in the congregation. I never managed to please anyone, not even myself. I've stopped being such a phony, and life is better. I like myself better.

  • jamiebowers
    jamiebowers

    How old are you now? Keep in mind that most people don't have a firm grasp on who they are until their 30's. And even then, a person changes and grows for as long as they are alive.

  • happy@last
    happy@last

    Everyone has a need to feel they 'belong' or 'fit in' somewhere, just start being true to yourself. Instead of thinking what would 'so and so ' do, ask what you want to do.

    Be true to yourself

  • Phizzy
    Phizzy

    Good advice Happy, and what I determined to do as soon as I left the WT, there was nothing else to be true to !

    It was brought home to me by an off the cuff reply to my mother shortly after I stopped attending Meetings, she had phoned me to tell me (her son in his late fifties) that I could not do a certain thing, (because JW's would not) I replied straight away "Mother, I can do what I like !" she backed down and said "Oh, all right Phizzy".

    But it felt good, what I was going to do was a good turn for an old friend of mine who was really in the mire with no one else to turn to, and he was Disfellowshipped.

    I did it with pleasure of course, it felt good to be true to my conscience, to do what it told me was right, regardless of the thoughts of others.

    My friend and I also shared a meal and some drinks together afterwards in a local Pub, I didn't care if I was seen doing so by JW's, in fact I never gave that aspect a thought until today !

  • omo-oba
  • Lozhasleft
    Lozhasleft

    Honey bucket - becoming self aware is one of the hardest things in life IMO, in those terms you are doing very well indeed, well done. It's true everyone 'likes to be liked' and most want to be accepted. The difficulties that arise when we aren't being 'true' include the fact that most people even subconsciously have a very highly tuned 'bull**** button' and are able to detect falseness in others. This is an immediate turn off. Think about it, if you meet someone who expresses who they are, warts and all, it is so refreshing. We might not perhaps like their past behaviours for example, but we instantly respect their honesty and their acceptance of themselves.

    All you need to do is start responding to your inner voice, feelings, thoughts. Teach yourself to be true to what you really think and feel. Soon you will see that others will detect who you are and respond accordingly. Then you will feel accepted truly because they are responding to the REAL you. Many many years ago I had a friend at work, we grew very close and she asked me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding. Her fiance though didn't agree and said it was because he didn't believe I was the person I showed to the world. He felt that I was too 'nice' to be real. I was appalled at the time, but years later I realised how right he was and that I'd played a part quite unknowingly. Sometimes we try to be how we believe others want us to be, it can never work, noone wants to love an imitation, a copy, a fake.

    Your post is so self revealing and your honesty within it is commendable, keep going down that road and I'm sure you'll progress into your own person very well. Oh and if you haven't already done so please think about leaving the WTBS so that you have real freedom to be yourself in your life and not be bound by the false 'loving' witness personality. It's not real.

    Loz x

  • poppers
    poppers

    However you get to the question "Who am I" isn't important, what's important is getting to that point. I would say that that question is the most significant one you will ever encounter in life, so examine that question closely - investigate closely and actually try to locate the "me". You will find lots of ideas about who you think you are, but those are just ideas. Find what you are when the "idea of me" is SEEN for what it is, a thought construct. If you do that with honesty and persistance what you find will likely alter your life in a significant way, in a way that changes your entire outlook on others, the world around you, and your place in it.

  • scotoma
    scotoma

    Who am I?

    It's the wrong question. Although there is an answer to that question it is much too complicated and won't really help you much.

    It's more important to ask: What do I want? Right now. Next year. Five years from now.

    The next question is: How can I get what I want? Step1,Step 2,Step 3....

    Next question is: How am I preventing myself from getting what I want.

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