Ok, advise needed my friends! The idea of fading sounds really nice to me and I would love to do it, but I'm just a big "chicken" and can't bring myself to stop all the jw nonsense. I continue going to meetings and service out of some sort of fear, I know if I start missing too many people will be bothering me with phone calls and visits and such and they will sucker me into toing back. Sometimes I Wonder if it will just be easier for me to leave via a df or da just so I won't be bothered and ill have no excuses or reasons to continue associating with jws, unfortunatly I know that if I do the latter I potentially can loose my family. Any thoughts or advise will be appreciated.
Disfellowshipping/dissassociating vs. fading?
by lostinthought 14 Replies latest jw friends
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Ding
Only you can decide how to proceed.
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life attending meetings and doing field service?
If you don't stand up for yourself now, then when?
I hope that doesn't sound heartless.
Just trying to confront you with the reality of your situation.
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NewChapter
If you want to protect family relationships, you will need to fade. There is something liberating about writing the DA letter (I just wrote mine) but if it means losing those you love (I have no family in) then the cost may be too high. No one can judge that for you.
If you need support in your fade, you can find that here. If you choose another route, you will find support for that too.
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cedars
It's a delicate decision to make. It's impossible to advise someone without knowing all the details. If you have any family that you feel inclined to keep a degree of contact with, then fading is always the best option. If you have no family at all in the organization, then by all means make a clean break with a DA letter. I know I would.
Cedars
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MC RubberMallet
Fading is a long and calculating process, and may still cause your family to cut ties with you.
I would say that would be your best chance, though. Strenghten your ties with them heavily before you start walking away.
Df'ing and da'ing is playing their game, turning you from a sister into a yb statistic overnight. It seems easier to just be done with the whole thing, tho.
Or, you could begin a fade, and if you don't like it for whatever reason, you can always da later....
Which way will leave you with no regrets?
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MC RubberMallet
You're not a chicken. It takes tremendous courage....
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cobaltcupcake
Writing that DA letter (mine was 2 sentences) is satisfying. Of course, it cost me my family too; however, I left on principle, so DA was my choice.
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rip van winkle
Take a step back and think about the pros and cons of fading or DA'ing. Don't do anything when you are feeling emotional about it. And don't allow others to influence YOUR decision. As Cedars pointed out, it's impossible to advise someone without knowing all the details.
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pajaha
I agree with others. Unfortunately, there's no easy answer. It depends on your personality and situation.
If you opt to "drift away", you have to live a lie, in a sense, for an indefinite period of time. If you DA, you risk getting cut off sudddenly from friends and family
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00DAD
lostinthought, Taking time to consider your options and their consequences is by no means "chicken," it's smart.
For many, writing a Letter of Disassociation is an act of liberation. It makes them feel strong: they are making a statement loud and proud. I definitely get that, but generally they have no family members "still in." Those that do or did and DA'd themselves generally regretted it later. Don't be hasty or rash. Ask leavingWT if you don't believe me. Either way, writing a DA letter is still playing by, or at least to, their rules. There's no getting around that.
Deliberately getting disfellowshipped serves no useful purpose. (I know, that's' what I did ... big mistake). You lose your family, JW "friends" and your reputation is ruined in the eyes of everyone (that's a JW that) you used to care about. How is that a good thing?
Fading is hard. For some it is very hard. It's not always successful either, especially if you were/are "high profile" and the elders want to make an example of you. If you are a "nobody" in the congregation (sorry, I don't mean to bruise your ego, but that's the fact) you have a better chance of successfully fading. Nevertheless, that has consequences also: you need to be cognizant of the fact that from now to forever whatever you do publicly could bring you repercussions you'd probably rather not deal with. There are really so many things to consider.
If you decide to fade, you need a plan. You need a plan and you need to commit to it, then you need to stick to it. Things change so you need to be flexible, but you can't do that with clarity unless you have a previously decided upon plan.
One thing you really need to keep in mind is this: YOU ARE UNDER NO OBLIGATION TO TELL ANY OF THE ELDERS ANYTHING YOU DO NOT WANT TO TELL THEM! They have no authority over you unless you give it to them.
You do not have to be rude, you do not have to be argumentative and you do not have to be evasive. You DO need to figure out WHO you are, WHERE you are, WHAT you believe, HOW you will and will not allow yourself to be treated, and WHY this is important to you! (Realize that you are a work-in-progress and the ultimate answer to these questions may be many years, if ever, in the making).
As NewChapter said, no matter what you do you will find support here (something you would never find in the congregation!), but the decision remains yours. Whatever you decide we will support you.
Take courage. You can do this!
00DAD