I'm reading here almost every day (kind of adicted I think). But due to the fact, that my english isn't very good, I abstain from commenting most of the time.
Nevertheless I'd like to share some thoughts with you.
When I learned the TATT over a year ago I quickly became an atheist. I've read so many books about the bible, about science and evolution that there was no room left for any kind of belief. On one side it was a great relief. No more fear of dying in armagedon, no more bothering of a bad conscience, no more bad feelings because of considering myself as a sinner, who needs grace or forgiveness.
On the other hand I'm struggeling almost every day with the fact, that one day I have to die forever. It is a bit crazy. More than 40 years as a wittness I was afraid of beeing wiped out by angry Jehovah. No I know, this won't happen. But still I have to die some day and so the reslut will be the same. When I'm gone, I'm gone for good.
I'm not a spiritual man, never was, even in my zealous years as bethelite and elder. Almost everthing I did, I did because of my eagerness to live for ever. Life is such a precious thing and I love everything that is perceptible to the senses and everthing that challenges my brain. I know all the arguments why an everlasting life is not just impossible but allthough not desirable. And maybe it would be hell at some point, but this doesn't affect my longing for an ever ongoing future.
So I find myself in a bifid situation: freed from any kind of superstition and guilt instilling concepts that insult my intelligence and my humantity, but living in the cold as a metaphysical homeless (speaking metaphorically - I've got a lot of things that makes my life worth living. It is just the thought of the unevitable).
If somebody showed me a proof that god exists, I would like to believe. I would love to believe. But I'm convinced this proof doesn't exist. Besides all the facts about the bible, all the scientific facts and the suffering religion brought over mankind, there are two arguments why it is impossible for me to believe in any kind of a supreme beeing: confusion & mystery. If there is a god, he must be uncontradicted in every way und understandable for everyone.
Julian Barnes, a well known british novelist once put in words what I'm feeling. He said:
"I don't beliefe in god, but I do miss him"
Maybe some of you share this kind of feelings.