please keep in mind i have been patient for three years and my wife has hold me that by staying it is giving her hope i will return. and by staying i mean not being dfed.
USR,
I am not sure if you are seeking advice or if you are just wanting to vent. If you are not seeking advice, then excuse my offer:
You know what the truth is, stop living a lie. I would take a stand on only ONE issue. I would ask any JW who would listen to show me even one scripture showing how someone outside the New Covenant could get their sins forgiven. I would promise them that if they could show you that, then you'd return to the KH.
I would refuse to discuss any other issue other than salvation and judgment.
When has God ever rewarded capitulation ? You need a large dose of God's grace to fulfill your destiny. Get yourself saved first, then become a prayer warrior for your family. Paul got to the point where he'd only preach Christ and him crucified. In Acts 10 the risen Jesus Christ comanded Peter and the others to preach the fact that Jesus himself is appointed to judge the living and the dead. Get yourself saved and do the same.
Don't waste any more precious years of your life separated from God.