Building New Relationships Outside the JW's

Pyramid Scheme

HI All,

I wanted to share my plans for 2013 and also get some advice from others who have gone through this process. I have read several threads dedicated to this topic and was hoping to get some personal experiences.

I have been an inactive JW for 4 years, but my social life and association still heavily revolved around friendships built through my lifetime in the organization. I support my wife by associating with a small group of couples from her hall that I still like and don't irritate me. That's superficial (I like the people, but they are not going to be close friends, lets face it).....I only have a couple of close friends that I still associate with from the KH, simply because they are open to deep discussion, agree with many of my concerns, but haven't mustered the strength to make further examination for themselves. Therefore, they stay stuck in the organization. I trust them, and they serve as my "moles"....haha. Even then, I know those friendships are somewhat conditional, as long as they are active.

I have decided that now is the time to branch out and form some new friendships. As many of you have commented on, it is very difficult for an ex-JW to even KNOW how to make a friend that isn't built on membership in the organization. I am truly fortunate, as two of my best friends are non-JW's - they have been close friends for over 10 years, going back to when I was an active elder. Even then though, I met them through work, where we sat next to each other for years. I spent more time with them than I did with my wife - how could we not get to know each other?

Here is my plan going forth, looking forward to input from others as to how you gained success in making friends.

First off, like so many of you - I am a strong believer in philanthropy and helping others of all faith, race, etc. I have identified and contacted 3 charities here locally that I am passionate about. One to feed the hungry, one is a shelter to help those who have suffered abuse, and other other is a cancer support group. I have made arrangements to volunteer with group activities so I can help out and meet other people who share similar values.

Second, I was going to start looking for groups and clubs dedicated to some of my hobbies. I haven't found a really good website for listings like that - has anyone had success in joining from the internet or a local news site? A guy at work mentioned Meetup.com - any experiences there?

Third - I was going to join a sports team at work - I enjoy all types of sports, and thought it would be a lot of fun. There is even opportunity to do martial arts training through my work. I thought that would be exciting, as its something I always wanted to do. All of my JW buddies loved Bruce Lee movies, and we used to dream of studying Jeet Kune Do!

My goal is to meet new friends and get so "busy" that I start breaking further away from being tied socially to the Borg. Sure, I still care about my friends, but part of me says it would be better emotionally to continue cutting the cord.........

finally awake

I think you have an excellent plan, keep us posted on how it goes. It's really important to have a social life - isolation is unhealthy.

cantleave

A guy at work mentioned Meetup.com - any experiences there?

Yep, I am a co--organiser for a couple of UK meetup.com groups. We have met lots of the exJW community through this.

I also use facebook and forums like this.

cofty

Great plan. I made lots of friends through sport.

Honeybucket

Ive found that my local library has display cases and information on hobby clubs in the area. my hubby and I do "Rock Hound" club and he does the Wood Working Club. Your parks and rec department is alsos a good place to look into. They have cooking classes, sports, and karate.

good luck in meeting new friends, be careful though. Its hard to find good friends in the hall AND outside of the hall. I have not had the greatest success making friends, Its hard to do when your taught your whole life to not be friends.

Amelia Ashton

I joined a Hedgehog Club and although most of the people I chat to are "virtual" friends I have met 3 people who live locally and we meet up occasionally.

I don't think I will ever be as close to them as my exjw friends though because with them it feels like there is something missing.

I feel complete around ex witnesses.

Band on the Run

Your plan is excellent. I have volunteeed for various places. Indeed, one AIDS charity evolved into the best place to meet decent singles in NYC. It is God's Love We Deliver. Whenever I volunteer, I feel more blessed than the group that I am helping. From my personal experience, I would ask word of mouth concerning a charity. A high number of volunteers with a certain panache create a nice feeling.

The sports club is essential. B/c of the Witnesses, I was never exposed to sports. We never taught any sport in high school. They were too busy keeping us from killing each other and the teachers. In office after office, I saw the deepest friendships formed through sports. When I worked for a large Wall St. law firm, there was a lawyer's league in Central Park. We also played investment banks, advertising agencies. The women were smart. A rule was strictly enforced that half of the team had to be women (and the women had to show up to play) to even be considered for the league. Male friends were begging me. I simply could not learn softball soon enough. I did go as a cheerleader, however, so I could hang out a bar with them.

When I left the Witnesses, I wasted time stumbling upon things. In fact, the more I strategized and gathered word of mouth experiences, the further I grew from my JW upbringing. We are trained to be deferential, to be tumbleweeds buffeted by the wind. You seem to be off to a great start just by the way you are tackling the situation.

The problem I found was that I wanted instant results.

tinker

PS you have a great plan. Congratulations on following through with charity work. You will meet people with similar values and interests. Making friends is not an instant process, it takes time. But you will fill your life with people who are open and caring and wish to make a difference NOW. As a JW I put off any feeling of compassion toward my fellow. Taught to shrug them off to Jehovah Will. Also my own creative interests were pushed aside until "the new system" then I would have time to paint and grow a garden. I joined a local Bonsai study club and met some nice people. After 4yrs I am now the president of the club and the nice people are Great Friends. We each have our own pieces but we also volunteer time to our local Arboretum and Parks. My plan in retirement is to sell my large home and devote my time to a Public Garden. We offer childrens programs, wildlife conservation and education, elder exercise program. I have discovered that people are kind and caring and reach out to help their neighbors NOW! Not wait until some dreamy New World after the wicked 7Billion die so I can paint and grow a garden.

jgnat

I don't think you will have any trouble finding a group of people who are interested in your hobby, if you are in a major centre. Heck, my daughter found a betta support group when mine nearly died. Meetup works great for specialty groups...if you live in a major centre.

I'm in a small town now. All the news can be found out by eavesdropping at the local coffee shop, and checking out the bulletin board.

problemaddict

Hey Pyramid,

I swear I always trip out on your few posts, at how similar my current situation is. I think your post has inspired me to start looking around. I do have some real friends "in", that so far have not left me. There is a natural rift simply because I have stopped going to meetings (only been about 6 months for me), but who knows if it will last. It is time for me to "widen out".

Building New Relationships Outside the JW's

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