Ahhh, I need serious help.

by apostate man 26 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Nemesis

  Apostate man:

  I don’t think alcohol is the problem at all—it’s just the result of the real problem[s]. I think, and have seen, that once someone learns to be real and true to themselves—feel their emotions in raw reality, and express them outwardly also, that the desire to drink can just dissipate like magic.

  Simply focussing on the end result [drinking] will never solve the cause. Some blunt but real points were brought out in a book I read ages ago called ‘Conditioned Reflex Therapy’ by Andrew Salter. It’s a bit of an old book [1949], and probably has a better modern version—but it still met head on with some of the most basic causes to many problems, alcohol being one of them amongst many. The main points were about breaking inhibitory behaviours that were learned. Once the subject had relearned to express and feel their inner most emotions and realties, the drinking desire just melted away.

  If you can get hold of a copy, give it a read—it might seem a little dated, but humans are basically functioning on the same level they have for millennia. I hope you can get some real help for your wife and your marriage, but her emotions and the inhibitions in facing up to them are the cause of the problems, and not the drinking in itself.
• 

  DakotaRed

  Not to be cold hearted, but the worst thing you can do is coddle her and keep giving her chances. I would lay down the law, detox or divorce, no ifs ands or buts. Then, stick with it. Support her in detox and AA meetings, if she goes, but if not, get away from her.

  Although it is a disease, alcoholics will use it to their advantage, sympathy and all. But, they will drain you everything you have emotionally.

  I divorced my first wife for that very reason. Well, the drinking and it leading to her sleeping around. 19 years later, her and her new husband are seeing that the booze is killing them. Especially when friends say she looks five years older than me and she is three years younger.

  If God's Spirit is filling a Kingdom Hall, how is it that Satan can manuever the ones within that Kingdom Hall at the same time?
• 

  Farkel

  Nathan,

  I agree with what both you and Dakota said.

  You said:

  : You can call me a heartless bastard and hate me for saying this, but why should she change? She's got you figured out - you keep issuing ultimatums and then backing away from them. Obviously YOU don't mean what YOU say.

  I see only two options:

  1) Tell her you'll leave her on a specific date if she doesn't get and take help until she gets well. And do it if she doesn't.

  2) Buy her another bottle and quit complaining.

  Farkel
• 

  WildHorses

  Apostateman,

  Take it from someone who's been there. There is nothing you can do to make her stop drinking. It has to be something she wants to do.

  Making excuses for them does nothing but help them keep drinking. You need to give tough love. If that doesn't work, you have to decide if you can live with her as she is. I chose to leave.

  I don't want someone in my life I can live with. I want someone in my life I can't live without.
• 

  patio34

  Hi Apostate Man,

  So sorry you have to deal with such a sad situation. I would recommend two things:

  1. Rent the video When A Man Loves A Woman about an alcoholic wife.

  2.

  GO TO AL-ANON!!!

  Don't do these things sequentially. Go to Al-Anon 1st. At least one time. You'll learn you didn't cause the condition & you can't cure it. Instead you'll start to focus on things you can do something about: yourself and your children. The alcoholic will have to face their own problems. Also, you will learn to give the dignity to your wife to take care of herself.

  Another tip is to read Melody Beattie's books on co-dependency. You are on your way, if not there already, to being seriously co-dependent with the alcoholic.

  You simply have to try Al-Anon. You can't force your wife to do anything, but you can avail yourself of a lot of experience.

  Good luck.
  Pat
• 

  COMF

  This from a recovering alcoholic with seven years of sobriety (me):

  go to an Al-Anon meeting. Find out what it's about.

  - http://www.al-anon.org/alalist_usa.html

  COMF
• 

  plmkrzy

  """"""""""And all you touch and all you see
  ............Is all your life will ever be""""""""""

  HELP HER

  "I look to the sea, reflections in the waves spark my memory
  Some happy,some sad"

  styx
  
  This one most definitely Happy
• 

  patio34

  Actually A-man, the phrase i quoted that Al-Anon uses re the alcoholic's problem: it's the 3 cs--you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Only the alcholoic can do that.
• 

  apostate man

  Thanks everyone for your suggestions. I wish it was that easy. I love my wife and do not want to break up. On the other hand I owe it to myself and to my children to be happy and doing something about it. As far as just leaving, I have no where to go. Like I said I have no family around here, just her JW family. I am not financially capable of just getting my own place.

  As far as my ultimatums are concerned, I am no expert. I don't know what to do. I have been flying by the wire. Al-alnon is something I am looking into.

  She won't go to AA. She denies the problem. She says she HAD the problem because of depression, so she saw a therapist for that. She also failed to mention to the therapist her "alcohol" problem.
• 

  COMF

  A-man, you don't have to make a decision and take an action right now. You can take time to understand the nature of the situation you're in. Al-Anon can help you with that. If you don't find it listed in your phone book, call your local Alcoholics Anonymous. They'll know how to steer you to the Al-Anon meeting.

  After you've been to a few Al-Anon meetings you'll hopefully be in a better position to assess your choices and the best path to take.

  Take some deep breaths, and give your kids some hugs and reassurances of your love. Then, you might go to the mirror and look yourself in the eye, and say, "You're okay, man. You're going to be all right. I'll see to it." Then wink at yourself.

  COMF