Hi there. You guys don't know me, I'm new here. I'm typing on an iPhone (pardon any random weird iPhone auto-spell corrections) and could walk home to get to my laptop but I might lose the courage to post what comes to my heart to share right now. Worse and more likely, I'll simply not be able to express what I felt right now... If I wait until I have a proper keyboard.
I was searching my email for one I sent to my mother which I was going to share with two separate threads. One who is asking what she should do, another because they're sick to their stomach. You get the idea.
I drinking a glass of wine sitting eating dinner in a major metro area (alone; not lonely) and thinking this is simply absurd. As I began to read what I was thinking I'd share, a letter a child to her mother, regarding other children, other mothers, experiences and (lack of) love and (an abundance of) pain, I thought of what was I after? I have an incredible life with an incredible sphere of influence, yet with a thousand Facebook friends I miss my mom, my dad, and even though my siblings hang out with me when I visit, I miss that "family" that we've never had thanks to what had happened to me. I'm not bitter against an org. They are a corporate entity that cannot bleed unless the color of their blood is green. I don't really care about bringing down the Tower, I care a out, I miss, my family. I imagine most here do too? I imagine we're all tied together in the simplest sense but what we've lost through our association with the Tower. We're here, in whatever form there is, because we share pain, and memory, and the desire for it to have been some other way. It's the same of we're in denial, angry, bitter, lonely, questioning,... insert the blank.
The thing is it's my job to design using human empathy. I design to motivate human behavior. Many many years ago I wanted to dedicate myself in Bethel service employing the talents blooming towards campaigns for in J's service. I'll see if I can find the response I got from the letter I wrote to the Society reaching out about my heart felt desire. I'll post the photo, because it breaks my heart. I think I was about 12 years old, I'll know when I find it to share. I know the response by heart; as a young sister they don't recommend that I move to the area, nor do they (paraphrasing) need my services, but will keep me in mind. I'm 33 years old, and I have a career which you wouldn't believe was real, though all the proof is there so people wouldn't have to take my word for it. How terrible it feels now to offer up the "cred" that you're all likely accessing this forum using in one way or another, something I've 'touched'. I'm not here to brag. I'm here because I'm sad. All that, and I feel hopeless, having to hide because as long as I don't get kicked out, at least my mom and dad will still treat me as if I exist. I imagine that many here are in similar situations.
I don't offer answers, I just offer my brain. I was helped design networks, technology, social media, communication, interfaces. While I live in San Francisco and can reach millions of people with my voice, I care only about those in a special small sphere‚ those inside the tower, being watched.
I don't care to bring the Tower down, I care to bring my family out. And you know, I don't know that I can even say that. I just wish that I could touch their hearts, reach their hearts, that I could get through that stone wall with my love, my message, my pain, and my love, despite all the pain. Isn't it such a strange thing to be free for years upon years, and yet know that you're still tied—family.
So here I am, pouring my heart out (though it does seem some what timidly, or is that just me) to complete strangers. The thing is, I'm simply tired of having achieved a wealth of influence and power and knowledge which actually changes the world and the lives of people, literally, around the world, daily... and yet no one in my "real" life really knows me, and I can't change what matters most... some how after all these years, I can't seem to let go of love, of hope,... my family.
So while I have crazy ideas in mind, all the parts of what brought me to where I am are seeming to come to focus. It's my business brain that's in gear (hehe, I thought of "business socks", but it's not Wednesday, and I'm single...) above and beyond that of my personal interests which honestly aren't as clear as my human interests.
So here goes, and pardon me, I'm alternately lauded for my story telling or accused of rambling...
First, from a social sciences perspective, I'm interested in all the voices here. After three days participation I'm curious for things like knowing the demographics. Someone said that the WT puts out more atheists than any other religion. I'm aware of Pew, and their research, but it really does seem like there are an awful lot of voices here—more than any other single place on the Internet? Would I be crazy to imagine that through the members here there is a link to every other member on any major JW representative site on the Internet? You tell me.
Another question, thanks to who I am and what I do, that comes to the forefront of my mind, is regarding what brought you here? I want, as unreasonable as it is, to know the truth of the story of each and every one of you. I mean in as much as I have private journals I've written in, entries on online diaries that existed before the term "blog" was invented, and I hide to this very damned day.
Whether or not each individual on this forum believes in God or not, we have a shared meaning behind the word "generation" that others simply cannot understand... am I right?
And are we all not part of the same generation?
(Oh fine, for the more analytical, I would say I imagine that we're all within the range of 40 years, with a smattering of those outside the range... and if the world would end in 7 years, despite what we believe or agreeing on "how", we'd all probably live to see it, despite whatever judgement you'd pass upon yourself there on out.) :)
I wonder, is there anyone who can take me to your leader? I would like to ask permission to engage with the voices in this community. I respect what someone has provided as an outlet here.
I then wonder, is there any one here that feels me? Am I just having a crazy moment where I feel connected to a world where I am not. Are we together, or we many alone?
I wonder, with all that I've learned about motivating masses, touches hearts, reaching human empathy, finding the story, and "changing the world"... with the will of the "force" behind us, could we do more than we'd imagine... and if so, what would that be?
I'd like to get to know you, but I'd like to do that in a manner which protects everyone's identity and thanks to a post I read earlier today, protects the IDEAS from the internet and those who might hopeto anticipate and negate our energy.
Right now I'm dying to share ideas that pop into my mind, but I don't want to do that publicly.
I'm thinking that by now, while someone will have to thoroughly "vet" me for credibility, you all know each other. If we determine the means to create a private community for the means of a purpose, you each would be able to vet each other, protecting the collective identity for the larger mass who has family identity to protect, living in fear as I—and you?—do.
I also imagine that there are many ideas and stories here which collectively would guide the intent of the energy of the group. For those who believe, as I, there is a spiritual guidance which may so be inclined; for those who no longer believe, we yet all believe in the concept of love—pain, love, and family, usually.
As I leave this writing to focus instead on what I would say if it wouldn't be free for all to read—including possible lurking eyes of the governing body—I ask you to treat me kindly. I will prove myself to you, no problem. But please don't mock me. I am an orphan in as much as I've lost my family and lived without them for nearly 10 years. Life mocks me in as much as I "get back in" thorough a turn of events, only to realize there's no way that my ethics can allow me to attend and pretend to be what I cannot and will not be.
The world is much bigger than you or I. There are many things to concern ourselves with, the most important being simply and freely living—but since we all find ourselves captivity here united in a virtual forum where I imagine most do not know each other in any means other than virtually... well, there might as well be someone who risks it at to see what might be done about all that human energy.
I can't keep quiet much longer. But there's not much to be gained in being one story on one blog, confessing my identity to the world of social media (those who know me, but not who I am) just to at most end up a headline in a news media feed. No. There's something here. I feel that there are people who want something more than to solve some major issues in the blind leading the blind theology of any given religion—jeez... am I still typing??—but something in what binds us together. It's not that we were all once or nearly "Jehovah's Witnesses"... I believe it has something to do with love, and it's opposite reaction emotion—love.
I'm young. Sue me. I hear the first notes of a song you might know, from Outkast, as I wonder, "Where is the love...?"
Curious how many people who read this thread are curious? — Answer is here.* (Edit: It shows how many come from JWN, and otherwise. That's cool!)
Christ, whether you believe he's fiction or not, died as old as I am, and I believe that to be as young as old. 33.
There's no one 40 years younger than me. Is there anyone here 40 years older? I'd love especially to hear from you too!
With all the love and confession of everything that I want so much to share, stories I wish I could tell if only they wouldn't tell on me—so I'd be identified, then be considered an influence or apostate.
[I imagine the only secure means of communication here is private message. So bombard me. Tell me who I should talk so that we can create a means to do so.]
{I'm terrified. I may be brave in real life, but in real life no one knows who I am. Go easy on me. Here I have only my honest self, with no creed nor cred. But I still have a heart and bleed, and there's no shoulder for me to cry on in my life... so be kind if you can.}
*Google URL link to "Where is the Love...?" social media link data is completely anonymous and tracks only click throughs. It just shows another way than "thread views" to see how many of us there are. I only offer it as a means to show people that we're more than just one individual. We're one voice. Now, what do we have to say...?