Newbie Again (Kinda Sorta)

by lostinnj83 20 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

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  Reopened Mind

  lostinnj83,

  Sounds like you are in a rut if nothing's changed in 21/2 years.

  What is it you want to achieve?

  Do you want to exit the cult?

  Do you want to stay in your marriage?

  Do you want to maintain a relationship with your parents and others in the congretaion?

  Are you willing to accept the consequences of moving on with your life?

  My husband and I exited together. We were in our mid fifties with grown children whom we raised in the cult and grandchildren. My husband was the PO when we began discussing our doubts. He could not see how the flood of Noah's day could have been a global event. I offered to research the subject for him. As I think you've found, discussing WT beliefs just causes the person to dig in their heels so as not to lose face. I second ABible Student's suggestion to read Steve Hassan's books. It is commendable that you are seeing a therapist. Is this someone who understands the mind control tactics of cults? Some experience with Jehovah's Witnesses would be even better.

  When I had been married for only 7 years I thought we were not a good match either. I'm sure it was the organization that kept us together. Now I feel we are a perfect fit. Next month we will be celebrating 38 years together.

  We were able to fade by moving 1000 miles away from Florida to Pennsylvania. Our two boys are in the process of fading themselves. Be patient. Time is on your side.

  Reopened Mind
• 

  flipper

  LOSTNNJ83- Very nice to have you back here ! You certainly are in a dilemma . Be true to yourself . Don't keep living a fake life. If you love your husband and he loves you try to go get professional marriage counseling to save your marriage from a college educated therapist. Not the elders. They don't know squat and it will cause further division between you and hubby. If after counseling you and your husband can't work things out- it may be time to part. Only you will know for sure. We will be here as a support and friend to you, O.K. ? Hang in there. The WT organization is very divisive and you are personally experiencing how that works in a divided marriage. Good luck. Peace out, mr. Flipper
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  jgnat

  Thank him for the effort he has put in the marriage and let him go.

  Your answer is in every post; you are ready to leave. Consider that any way you leave will have you in a better place, whether you DA or gracefully fade.

  I've been with my JW mate for ten years. We have a dance of honesty going, though, which means he knows my real self, as horrifying as that may be to him.
• 

  Adiva

  Hi and Welcome Back.

  It seems to me that your husbands' efforts to 'make things better between you' serves him and his standing in the congregation. If he's an elder and you leave, he will be dimished and would probably have to step down from whatever 'priviledges' he has. So you are sacrificing your soul at the altar of an organization that has nothing to do with god.

  You're a smart broad. You've got your education, you are successful in work, you have friends. What you don't have is a real life of your own. You've built a great foundation to begin living the life of your choosing. It's been 2.5 years. What are you waiting for?

  Adiva
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  akafreelife

  You owe it to yourself to be happy. No other person in the world "owes" this to you happiness starts within. If you are miserable on the inside because of the situation of being enslaved to the "truth" you won't be able to be happy. Your heart already knows your path that you need to take. Yes a break form everything you know in life is tough. I know this from first hand experence I was born and raised in the truth. I lost EVERYTHING when I left the organization but what happened is I GAINED myself. Yes life can be very tough without the ones you have known your whole life but think of things this way. You are 30 years young now you have serious doubts about jw life, you still have around 30 years till you are 60. Where do you want to be at 60? Do you want to be living this same trail of misery and anguish or would you rather have something established in your life that will make you happy. I have had a rough time in my life since I have left the org for sure but i in no way regret my choice. I refused to be religously abused any more in my life and it has given me a inner peace that i will never let go of. Keep spending time on here there are some real good people who know what has happend to you because they have lived it too.

  I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.
• 

  DesirousOfChange

  I don't see where you say if your hubby is and Elder or MS. If not, then he cannot be tooo great of a JW, as it really doesn't take much to be appointed as an MS. If that's the case (not an appointed Bro) then he has less to lose.

  It would seem to me that your marriage is what you should give greatest importance too. It seems like you have put your marriage "on hold" debating what to do about the WTS situation. That would make me wonder if your marriage is so great in the first place, although you acknowledge that he is working on improving your relationship.

  At this point you seem to be at a crossroad. I cannot see how you can avoid having the frank discussion with him. (And as recommended, keep the Elders out of it!!!!) Now would seem to be the ideal time for admitting to having doubts: the "overlapping generation" fiasco; the GB/F&DS NuLite. These are clearly some ideas that they pulled outta their @$$. But a key thing that would help, is to emphasis anything that affects your hubby personally. Anything the Elders or Org has done "unloving" or where some Elder has acted unscripturally but gone on without reproof or correction. Where is Jehovah's Holy Spirit. Proving that there really is no HS working within the Org undermines everthing else. If there is no HS, then God didn't really "choose" JWs as they claim. But usually it takes something personal to make us look at it all without JW Blinders.

  If you've been in your marriage this long, and don't know if you really love the man to whom you're married, then yeah, you really need professional counseling for more than just the religion issue. Sounds like you're at the "7-year itch" point in your marriage, and you probably need to do something to rekindle it all. The realities of life can really dump cold water on the fire we had when younger.

  It's true that it's easier to awaken someone to TTATT gradually, but it sounds like you're running out of time emotionally. If you feel it's best to tackle it all "headon" right now, then I'd approach him with the request to HELP YOU UNDERSTAND. But NO ELDERS. If this is HIS religion, then he should be able to defend it. (Most JWs can't being to defend it because they are running on blind faith -- no knowledge or evidence of anything!)

  You'l find great support and great ideas here.

  Good luck,

  Doc
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  lostinnj83

  No he's not an MS, he's been trying to reach out for the longest. He is of the belief that I am the one holding him back from serving.

  And as far as our marriage, yes he is trying NOW but so much has gone on in the past 7 years that I'm not sure things could EVER work. It would feel so freeing to make clean break for the org and him at the same time but embracing so much change at the same time seems quite daunting!!
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  wannabefree

  Welcome back.

  Your post reminded me of Mani Garcia ... did you see his video?

  http://vimeo.com/13969632
• 

  Pickler

  Hey, lostinnj83, welcome back.

  I know you probably don't feel it, but you are still really young! Young enough to take the life you have and grab it with both hands, don't live a half life.

  I think its hard for us raised as JWs to do this because we were not taught this way of living. We were taught to be obedient, to put our own selfish desires aside until the new system.....

  Whatever you want......freedom from JW, a marriage you are happy in? Or starting again and finding happiness with someone else? It's all available for you.

  Recently someone told me that they walked away from a 20 year marriage, he said that you have to let go of the bad in order to make room for the good.....these words have stuck with me. Good luck to you lostinnj83!
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  Mum

  I was in a very similar situation over 30 years ago. According to Gail Sheehy in her book "Passages," people reach a crisis point between the ages of 28 and 32. That's when changes start to happen.

  I was in a dreadful emotional state, and there was no one to talk to. I had to leave for my mental health. I did have a child, and it was really hard on her. She now understands why I had to do what I did, which in most of the world is just what happens when people are incompatible. With a cult, what is normal is considered shocking and sinful, and they want to identify "the villain." I was willing to accept their perception of me as "the villain" to save my life and sanity. It was worth it.

  Your first duty is to yourself, your health and well-being. Whatever you do, I wish you the best.

  Regards,

  SandraC