It has been a year now since the big breakdown in which I lost my belief system and almost lost my marriage too. I now look back and realize how close I came to completely losing my mind. All the evidence proves to me beyond a shadow of any possible doubt that I have been raised in a cult and that every single decision or indecision has been directly influenced from this fanatical belief system. I have come to some slow realizations about life that I would like to share with all of you here.
Life used to be Black and White and no in between. Life is now a wonderful tapestry of color to behold and appreciate. For the first time I feel a closeness with my fellow man which I hadn't experienced as a JW. Before all I would see is dead people. I wondered, why O Jehovah will you destroy these people out of their ignorance and misfortune to be born in circumstances that doom them to your destruction? I never bothered to connect with anyone because in my mind it was pointless to talk to dead people about anything other than trying to save their spiritual lives.
Now I know their is no us vs them. I am them and they are me. I'm just another caring higher mammal trying to get through life just like everyone else. At first I thought I would never have a sense of belonging again. I have it again. I have it in a much more genuine way now. I feel a connection to life on this planet and not as a I once thought of it as a god like creature that is here to dominate. I feel it as a part of the whole and in that way it makes me feel whole again.
When I meet people when I'm out and about I talk to them without the pressure of pushing my religion down their throat. I have started to listen for the first time to the many life songs that people tell. Each person I meet becomes a subtle colorful shade that paints my new canvas of reality. I don't hold back and when the opportunity arises I help my fellow homo sapiens. I talk with my neighbor and we do eachother favors. I listen to his tales of younger days and experiences and I tell mine. I help the homeless man with a free lunch and I listen to his troubles too. The longer I stay away from this soul destroying cult the more thine own soul sings.
I accept the good with the bad in people and in everything else. I know people that are very nice people yet they are alcoholics and smoke. I realize that they are damaging their bodies but it is their decision to make. I accept them as is. I don't try and alter others behavior. I don't withhold kindness or Judge people like that including myself. I believe if you want to change people for the better you must exude real and genuine kindness. Judgement and taking the moral high ground only seperates you from your fellow man and does nothing but divide.
I accept what IS. I do not worry myself with what could be or with what will never be. I live in reality and I now make my decisions based on that reality. One of the most insane things you can do is make your life decisions predicated on a lie. That is what I did most of my life.
I no longer see dead people. I see sick people, happy people, sad people, broken people, successful people, creative people, evil people, good people and everything in between. If you really meditate on the vastness of diversity in nature it will come to you as it came to me that no religion that forces you to one mold and only that one mold of what it thinks is success could ever be from a God that has anything to do with the natural world around us.
I see people. I see in techno color.