Deep down I always felt I wouldn't make it thru the Big A no matter how hard I tried to do all the WT said we had to do.
Even as a child I never felt I could count on still being alive in the near future because the Big A was always soooo close & I would never be able to be brave like the brothers & sisters in Malawi.........I would be bound to blurt out EVERYTHING I knew if the persecuters started to cut bits off me to make me talk & try to make me say I didn't believe in Jehovah anymore.
My parents were shocked & desperately sad that they had brought us children up in the JW's when as an adult I told them the worries I had as a kid.
They thought they had given us the wonderful hope of living in the New World when in reality the stuff I learned from the Watchtower had played on my young mind & had made me troubled way beyond my years.
In my young mind I knew I didn't 'love' God, I didn't even like him after reading of all the horrible things he & 'his' people did in the bible.........so if you don't love God with your whole heart what hope is there for you.