"It only takes a moment. A moment of sanity. Clarity. A moment in which you know, deep inside yourself, that you've had enough. You've lived in pain too long. It's time to change." -When God Becomes A Drug Breaking the Chains of Religious Addiction & Abuse
My "moment" came packaged inside a green & yellow pill. That pill gave my brain just the right chemical to remove guilt.
I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. Like the endless kick of an unknown attacker as I curled up in helplessness. It was a series of things really. The kicks.
It was the fall of 1991, I couldn't have been happier. After auxiliary pioneering on and off throughout my life...I had finally reached my goal of completing a year as a full time pioneer. I was on my way to Pioneer School when I heard the news.
My best friend and her husband (my brother) were getting a Divorce. She was going to be Disfellowshipped. I was devastated. I had lost my best friend, my second parents and my childhood fantasy of "Living Happily Ever After" all in one fell swoop.
Then I heard more news. Brother L who had been painting a boat at the Island had slipped, hit his head and was killed instantly. A handsome man, father of two and a great husband. The first talk he gave at the hall...he was so excited, he forgot to buy himself some dress shoes. He wore his purple tennis shoes on stage. He wasn't crazy...just loved life. He had been a Mexican Actor before becoming a witness...and he was hilarious. I remember video taping one of his spontaneous comedic flashes of genius at a party...I couldn't even hold the video camera straight I was laughing so hard and had to pee. I visited his widow several months after he died to give her the tape as my final good-bye.
As it turns out, his best friend Brother M...a Ministerial Servant at our hall (father of 3, loving husband)...who had brought Brother L "into the truth" took the accidental death of his dear companion much harder than we all realized. There were rumors he was depressed. But, he seemed like such a strong person. The elders took turns trying to "help" him. Just when they thought he was going to be ok...he sat down quietly in his music store, put a gun to his head and disappeared.
They say bad things come in three...but, someone forgot to stop counting. There was another suicide in our hall...a young boy, 17 and a gun. A seizure took another brother, who had finally gotten out on his own and into his new condo. Then there was Amanda.
Amanda was nine. She wanted to be baptized before she died. She was...a pool was set up in her back yard. She loved God & life and we loved her. She's buried under a beautiful Fresno tree that whispers of waves as the warm ocean breeze blows through it's branches.
...and on it goes. The kicking...
I remember looking into the mirror once and seeing a lifeless, empty shell. I guess that happy self had retreated temporarily until life became more kind. I walked around in that empty shell for some time barely acknowledging the kicking as it became more frequent. Slowly my world was crumbling...a career loss, a business loss, my home gone, my son's health gone, as was mine.
I was there at all the meetings and service. The me that was left anyway. I felt guilty when I didn't go. I felt guilty for crying when someone would ask me how I was feeling.
That's when the little yellow & green pill that saved my life (in more ways than I realized then) came into the picture. It was a routine visit to one of my son's doctors. As, I sat on the couch in front of him...he gently held up a mirror and showed me myself. I had seen that ghostly image before...but, this time the light was on.
"You have Major Depression" he told me. I hated him. What did he know? I'm smart, funny...I was always smiling...I lit up a room when I walked in...and most of all I had the "Truth." I wondered why he couldn't see that part of me.
My "moment" came packaged inside a green & yellow pill. That pill gave my brain just the right chemical to remove guilt. I no longer cried when someone asked me how I was feeling. My life began one Thursday evening around 6:45pm when I made a conscious decision without guilt of staying home from the meeting. I never went back.
Did I still think it was the "Truth" that evening? Sure. All those little "wait on Jehovah" doubts wouldn't resurface until a few months later.
I read terms on my monitor like "Walking Wounded" & RAW (Raised As Witnesses). I met people who were lifeless just like me...but, those connections somehow started to bring us back, slowly.
It only took a moment. A moment of sanity. Clarity. A moment in which I knew, deep inside myself, that I'd had enough. I'd lived in pain too long. It was time to change...and I did.
"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh." ~Voltaire
