EMOTIONS can tear you apart....but, not if you IDENTIFY their SOURCE

by Terry 29 Replies latest jw experiences

Terry

Can this explain partly, why someone can be logical and deep thinking in one subject and totally lack this, when it comes to other subjects?
Everything we know fits into a hierarchy of values. But, we must consciously do the fitting-in part. If we do it UNconsciously the parts don't mesh.
Any emotion you feel that seems out of context or "causeless" is a red flag that you've misplaced your "value" into the wrong slot.
What does THAT mean?
Think of a filing cabinent in which some files are labeled and some files have no label or an incorrect label.
When you want to trace something and open the file drawer---will you immediately have what you want in the right place?
I am what you'd call a "cat" person and not a dog person. I do know that being attacked and bitten by my aunt's bulldog when I was 5 has everything to do with that.
When I realized the connection to my fear of dogs I immediately "adjusted". Now I'm only afraid of bulldogs!
I remember crying as a child at the end of a John Wayne movie, The High and the Mighty. It was not an unhappy ending at all. The scene has him walking away whistling. I could not understand why I cried. It wasn't sad and yet I was heartbroken.
Years later I had a sudden cognition or epiphany! My uncle was sort of a substitute father for me. He worked for American Airlines. He would always whistle for me when he came home. My uncle had gotten married and "walked away" from my life. Doh!
Identifying what we value and where we place each value in our hierarchy may sound weird or just ridiculous.
But, you might want to reconsider trying to identify the next "surprise" emotion and tracings its origin in your value scale.
Your mental filing cabinet is only a source of INFORMATION when labeled correctly as the trigger for the emotional result.
Otherwise, an anonymous trigger causes the emotion and you are on the receiving end without a clue what just happened or why.
Phizzy

A personal example that fits the thread title is my own. I suffered from a form of depression which had come from not identifying the source of a number of emotions, anger,sadness and an unexplained pain, which I now recognise as Cognitive Dissonanace at work.
The source of the problem turned out to be the WT/JW "religion", which was not what I expected to be an explanation that would work when I went in to therapy, I kind of thought it would be proffered, as a born in it was my "life", but I thought that I would have to reject it and find something deeper.
But no, it was true, the unresolved emotional and intellectual problems that the religion gives you are very bad for the "soul" it turns out, the remedy ?
Bring these things out, and identify the source, primarily.
Terry, you are spot on !
To identify the religion as the problem, and realise that it is not your fault, is very helpful. To take action to counteract the odious and deleterious effects of the religion is good too, the one vital action is getting a good education by reading all the stuff that was hidden from you.
Terry

PHIZZY: the unresolved emotional and intellectual problems that the religion gives you are very bad for the "soul" it turns out, the remedy ?
Bring these things out, and identify the source, primarily.
Terry, you are spot on !
To identify the religion as the problem, and realise that it is not your fault, is very helpful. To take action to counteract the odious and deleterious effects of the religion is good too, the one vital action is getting a good education by reading all the stuff that was hidden from you.
My (former)JW best friend's daughter became an alcoholic at a very early age and still struggles. She was DF'd more than several times, too.
She was trying so hard to please her "perfect" parents in their "perfect" religion and blaming herself for the total failure.
But, you've nailed it. IT IS THE RELIGION which makes failures out of wonderful people who can't stay on the ratwheel without falling off.
What a waste of good people!
LouBelle

Emotionsw can indeed tar you apart. In my case I call it "pain body" When I go through something, the emotional pain of it is great. The mind or ego intesifies this because how could this happen to me. I have have always tried to help people, I have always been a 'good girl, kind, giving, whatever. I felt that certain things were personal, aimed at me, when in fact it was just life. I am fortunate enough to identify the pain as not really real, but a perceived pain - it doesn't make any less painful but it makes me aware of the pain body. I can then pull myself back and see the problem for what it is.
Lately though I've find myself slipping and even though I know that reasoning, it's not helping, the darkness feels like it's enveloping me, so I've gone for medical help....for now - i know I'll get back to me.
Terry

This may sound feeble, but, here goes...
Getting myself a bicycle and going riding has done more for my outlook, attitude, health, sense of well-being and general mood than anything
in the last 20 years.
I think I re-connected to the freedom I valued as a child. The very second I test-drove the bike in the shop I "clicked" with happiness!
Indoor exercise just isn't anywhere near the same. I would ask any of you who regularly fight depression and black moods to give it a try.
If you can't ride a bike try finding a beautiful park and walk every day.
Just a stroll.
No iPod.
Don't shut out nature with music blasting in your head.
Quiet time alone with your inner self.
Commune with the outdoors and listen to how air moves the leaves around along with chirping birds and smoky white clouds inching across heaven.
It is the best medicine there is!
nochoice

Very interesting content, Terry. Thank you for sharing! Tell me, how would you relate this to someone who cannot help thier circumstances when it comes to other people in thier life and that presence affects thier emotions? I have a couple of family members in my life that really, really suck! They suck me dry with emotion. They are unreasonable, loud and offensive. When they come around, I can't help but get worked up even though I see it coming and try to be calm and try not to react.
A psychologist or psychiatrist would tell you that, "No one can make you feel a certain way. You choose to feel a certain way and let this person affect your emotions." I don't see how to I can choose peace and harmony when these people are around, although that's my state regularly when these people are not around. And unfortunately, I do not have an option to choosing my family members and they will not change or adapt with my ultimatums or anything else. They are ridiculous.
Assuming I have no choice but to keep them in my life, how do I use your thoughts on values to protect my emotions?
NewYork44M

How do you remove emotions and look at facts and circumstances objectively?
Focusing on objectivity is highly efficient. Given that we have only a short period on this earth - efficiency is a good thing.
Terry

Nochoice:
Assuming I have no choice but to keep them in my life, how do I use your thoughts on values to protect my emotions?
__________________________________________________________________________________
Why assume that? Bad premise!
Your avatar name says it all. We all actually can do something when we think we can't because we are seeing and labeling problems incorrectly.
Imagine being in a burning building and you are standing next to an unlocked door. The smoke is starting to choke you.
Somebody runs up and says, "Quick open the door---let's escape!"
And you turn to them and say, "We can't---it is marked ENTRANCE not EXIT."
That would be taking a label way too seriously---right?
How we label ourselves our choices our family our friends and our enemies is JUST A LABEL.
Stop believing your label and open the door and escape if the smoke is choking you and the fire is creeping up on you!
My great Grandma use to say in her cranky old voice: "I don't have to do anything but die. The rest is up to me."
When we tell ourselves we HAVE TO do this or that----and it messes up our life and makes us miserable---what we have to do is TALK BACK
to that "voice" and answer the way my great Grandma did.
My mom was the most negative person you could ever be around. If she had 30 minutes with you on the phone you'd go around miserable the rest of the day and start growling at everybody.
One day I had enough and I said, "You know, I'd love to spend time talking to you--but-not when you are so negative about everything. Don't call me again until you can drop the negativity!"
I didn't hear from her for two years!
Was that cruel or was it sanity saving?
I decided my sanity was more important than conversations with somebody labeled "Mother".
Terry

How do you remove emotions and look at facts and circumstances objectively?
Let's pretend you asked, "How do you learn to play the piano and learn to read music?"
The answer would not be magical. It would require determination, practice, and a choice to set aside time enough to gain the skills.
What if you didn't even HAVE a piano? Would that stop you?
Well yeah---unless you took the necessary steps to get one.
We can see problem solving as a set of insurmountable obstacles in our way or we see solutions as one step followed by another until
the job is done. It is attitude and application of our mind to problem solving instead "woe-is-me-ing".
Some problems are HUGE and OVERWHELMING and we need help from others. But--who you allow to help is as important as anything else.
Don't accept help from people without the skills necessary to do the job. Don't go to a plumber for a new roof.
Most of what we do badly is poor skills never properly trained.
We need awareness and specificity in our life.
Be aware of what is NOT working. Be specific. Break it down into bite-size chunks.
Chew one at a time--so to speak.
Develop strategies that work and drop ones that perpetuate bad outcomes.
STOP vs START.
What triggers the "bad thing"? Avoid the triggers or eliminate them immediately when they arise.
Start substituting a new behavior for an old one.
Like the friend of mine who couldn't stop smoking. Every time they took a drink of alcohol they wanted a cigarette.
The answer was to stop taking a drink. They substituted going for a workout after a long day instead of going to the local pub.
Each person's strategy is different. The important thing is to know what STARTS the trigger and what successfully substituted will STOP the bad result.
NewYork44M

People get rich by removing emotions in investment decisions. The worst investment decisions are based upon emotions. Emotions encourages buying at the top of the market and selling at the bottom. Not generally a good idea.
Removing emotions from decision making is hard work. Some what similar to learning to play a piano, as you suggest. But it is a skill set that is valuable.

EMOTIONS can tear you apart....but, not if you IDENTIFY their SOURCE

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