Some of you might remember I posted my thoughts on why, after years of shunning, and me continually trying to establish contact with the JW relatives that do this, I finally decided it was healthier for me to let them go and stop doing that. This was especially true in the case of my younger brother, who was more like a best friend. We spent a lot of time together before my extricating myself from the Watchtower, including vacations and lots of weekends.
It was very difficult at first. I missed him, missed my mom. So many times I started to reach for the phone or began to type an email to them. Then I made myself stop. After years of reaching out and getting nothing in return, I knew this wasn't about friendship or even family anymore. It was more about hanging onto a relationship that has been over a long time, and did more to tear me up inside everytime my attempts at contact went unanswered.
A number of months have gone by since I made this decision last year. I haven't seen him or spoken to my brother in all that time. So I was surprised last night to see my brother at the gym where I work out Monday night. He saw me walk in, and I went over to the leg machines and started my workout. He didn't come over. About a half-hour later I moved to the other side of the gym and began my free weight workout... and then he finally comes walking over, a big grin on his face.
We said hello. He was glad to see me. You could tell he wanted it to be like old times. I was polite, cordial, but that feeling of closeness is gone now for me. I did stop my workout and we killed an hour on what we were doing in our lives. Very polite conversation: "Oh, I'm doing this; you're doing that? Oh, cool." He's fixing to become a dad. I said congratulations. He wasn't comfortable conversing with me. I don't know whether it was from talking with me, a branded apostate, or whether he felt guilty about not picking up the phone to even say hello since last year. Or maybe he realized I've changed, and that great friendship is really over.
When it was getting late and it was time to go, I hugged him. It was awkward as hell. I tried a lame joke as we parted to lighten the mood. I said, "We'll catch up again. Same time, next year, here at the gym. Okay?" He said "Okay," and grinned. And then we went our separate ways.
And you know what. It just didn't hurt anymore. All those years his shunning me upset me and hurt me and tore me up. But that hurt is gone now. It felt much like talking to someone you feel sorry for, but you know you can't help. But I didn't feel bad anymore, and that felt good.
Still, I'll leave the door open. If he ever makes it out, which is unlikely, I'll be there. But until then, the best thing I ever did for myself was make a solid decision to let him go and stop looking back at relationships I can't have anymore.
Wishing you healing, my friends.