Wow! Your post sounds like something I could've posted. I havent been to a meeting since around the memorial either. And I realized I was going to the meetings just to keep up appearances, and why. My husband wasnt attending anymore, i didnt truly believe and didnt like being there. So now the dilemma, how to make friends. I never really had to do that because the congregations always delivered instant friendships. So, we're workig on it together. We've invited some new neighbors over for a bbq tomorrow :) here goes nothing. But I know the void you're feeling, its what kept me in for so long. But being out is amazing and freeing. Good luck. If you lived in CO we could totally get the kids together :)
Fading ... and Feeling Lost
by What Now? 43 Replies latest jw experiences
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Gojira_101
What now. I really do understand what you are going through. My husband and I had the same feelings when we were about 3 months out. It's so hard for those of us to leave because we are always taught...drilled is more like it about the "bad association" with worldly people. It's very hard, I was feeling the same way because all of my friends were JW's and I would get invited to go to community events, but most of the time I was scared to go. Now almost 9 months out it's way better. We are going to dinner with our non-JW friends and hanging out this them and community events still scare me most of the time still but I can force myself to go. It will get better. You will make friends. You have to start your life over and at times it does feel kind of desperate and lonely, but be thankful you have a kid with another one on the way and that you have your husband.
It WILL get better!
Gojira
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jgnat
I relate to that lost feeling to not being part of an intimate, closed community. It was very much like that in my old church. Everyone knew everyone else's business. Our children went to school together, we met together three times a week, and pretty well had a fully absorbed social life. I liked that.
Later, when I moved to a small town, I liked the closed, gossipy intimacy. I mean, the landlady was waiting on the porch step when I came back from the weekend, wanting to know where I'd been. I found that I did not have to work at relationships, they found me.
Moving back to the city, I realized I'd have no social life at all if I didn't make an effort to book "play dates". In a larger urban center, everyone calenders up. I also made a concerted effort, since hubby is a JW, to make sure we were regularly associating with friends and neighbours. We talked over the fence. I baked cookies with my granddaughter and we delivered them to newcomers in our community. It was work.
Because of these connections, hubby and I were called on more than once to vouch for neighbours applying to be adoptive parents, applying for loans, etc. It was often a rude shock for these young couples that there were very few people that they spent time with outside of their immediate family. Such is the way of our modern lifestyle.
All I can suggest is that you keep working on it until you find your niche. Wherever you are, build your own small community.
Might you also be suffering a little pre-partum blues?
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Aunt Fancy
I did not grow up as a JW so I wasn't as strict about having worldly friends. I kept in touch with a few friends even though I didn't see them often but my hubby was a born in and it was very difficult on him. He would do something and meet a new person and was surprised they were so nice. It is kind of a joke between us whenever we meet someone new and they are good we say to each other "but aren't they going to be destroyed at Armagedon"??? There are so many wonderful people out here and to enjoy exciting new experiences. I think of all the years wasted because you would be out in service on Sat and then not do nothing after. Recently we were out meeting someone on a Saturday and enjoying a new place and thinking there is a whole world out there that we haven't seen!
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Thor
Good post! I can't believe how many have similar problems finding good friends after leaving the Borg. What Now? What state do you live in? Dazeds Better Half I sent you a PM because we also live in Colorado (I know it's a big state) but you never know if we're close to you or not.
If some of the others on this post don't mind, if your in the US, what state do you live in?
Mrs. Thor
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edmond dantes
I know it doesn't work for every ex witness or fader but one of the best things I ever did which happened years after I left the Borg I started going to a local church near where I live it wasn't a perfect experience nothing ever is but it made me realise just how brainwashed and unloving the meetings at the Kingdom Hall were.
It opened up a whole new way of fellowship with some very interesting and varied individuals some who were not my cup of tea and some who I could get on with very well which is how it should be in all walks of life it gave me a new interest and a way of communicating with others .There were cliques and petty disagreements which is normal within a group but there was a definite sense of freedom which is totally lacking amongst the Witnesses I felt as if I was amongst normal human beings with various human traits and above all regardless of all our faults there was an element of love for mankind so lacking in the horrible cult which I left behind.
There was also a love and respect for the well being of women and children and an atmosphere of the need to nuture love and respect for all mankind .I also noticed an emphasis on music as part of worship which to me was uplifting what a contrast from the sterile Witness worship where they are constantly trying to prove that they are right all the time.
All I can say is try it and if if its not quite right for you try another church but don't give up because I think you could get fulfillment from it.
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Roberta804
My Dear,
I am an older grandma type now. I left when my eldest was 4, I was only 22; a born-in JW. I did not fade; made a quick cut. It took me years to learn how to make friends and keep friends. To be perfectly clear, the JWs made me lazy. Never before did I have to make an effort to learn about others. We were all JWs, all the same supposedly. Never before did I have to work to maintain friendships, I saw my "friends" 3 times a week without any effort on my part. Never before did I have to lean on my own judgement about a person, if that person was a JW they were automaticly OK.
I have since learned that I have to put my toe out. Getting to know someone as an individual is hard work! And maintaining that relationship is scarry and harder. Now that I am much older and slower I find great enjoyment in learning about someone else. Like any skill, it takes practice to learn. If you play the piano, surely you did not learn in a week... it takes years. Hopefully you are not a born-in and have some personal history to draw from, in that case you just need to brush up on your conversation and socialization skills.
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What Now?
Thank you so much for all of your replies so far ... It's heartwarming to at least know that you're not alone in this kind of situation.
cantleave - sounds like fun! I guess it's just meeting these kinds of people that's the problem...
Satanus - another big negative: social networks! I'm trying to steer clear for the time being. When your entire friends list is mainly witnesses, it's tough to see all the good times they're having that you're no longer a part of.
crmsicl - I'm trying to do the 'mom and kids in the park' thing. I'm hoping that something will eventually come out of that. I've tried enrolling in another preschool program for the summer - hopefully it doesn't get cancelled!
Robert7 - thanks for the advice! It would be nice to find some like minded ex- witnesses in the area. Not quite sure about how to go about doing that, it's not really something I'd like to advertise at the moment, haha. I guess there's still a certain amount of paranoia in terms of outwardly identifying yourself as an 'ex witness'.
Aunt Fancy - you're right, having our children will open a lot of doors for us. By next summer our son should be old enough for soccer (if he wants) so we're looking forward to meeting other young parents through that. I tried taking a couple of classes, but no luck. It doesn't help that being a Witness all my life has left me a bit socially awkward in the 'outside world'
DNCall - I wish there was. Well we know one person who has left ... But in all honesty, I didn't even really like him as a witness (just someone who was always kind of mean and sarcastic) We had a few friends that I always thought were borderline and would leave at one point, but lately seemed to be going gung-ho witness, especially those that have had kids.
Tater-T - I'll have to try that, haha. It will just take a lot of courage for me to put myself out there, and actually give someone my phone number or set a date to meet up!
sosoconfused - Readjusting your view of so called 'worldy people' is such a huge part of it for me. It got to the point where we were even toying around with the idea of attending another church, just to meet people with similar morals etc.
outofthelionsden - I would love to PM you :) It's been hard to be in this situation as a stay at home mom, especially without a car! A bus ride with an independent 2 and a half year old can be a nightmare, and when the weather is icky and the park is a 15 minute walk away ... It can be so much easier to just stay home :(
Dazeds Better Half - sadly we live nowhere near CO. I think we live quite far from a lot of the posters on this board. :( I think my husband is happy to come home from work, have dinner, work on the car, and have it just be the three of us, and that's why he became irregular much earlier than me. I was the one holding on for months, dragging a toddler to the meeting by myself because I didn't want friends to find out we were inactive. Mind you, we have never really had great friends in the organization, but the thought of a void, of NOTHING, terrified me.
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The Searcher
@ MRS THOR - I am curious about the state What Now? lives in.
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What Now?
I will reply to the rest of you later!