Part 5:
This has already gone on much longer than I had planned, and I am not sure that anyone is still reading! So I do not want to go on forever about everything I found wrong with the Watchtower Society, most of these would only be things you've all heard before anyway. I took that first terrifying step onto the Internet, and I found websites by 'apostates and opposers' I found out about 607, the location of the great crowd, the failed prophecies etc... I read and loved both of Ray's books. I also read books against Christianity, such as 'The God Delusion' and I'll admit to some doubts and my own dark night of the soul. I am still a Christian but I see no use in pretending I have all the answers or that there are no problems with Christian faith.
Of course, not everything about this journey was good. It was a wonderful experience getting to know the Father who is Love and his son, having lived most of my life with strong feelings of guilt up to this point, the freedom from this was incredible as I've said. But there is the flipside that we all know. We all have families and friends trapped in this religion, we cannot be truly honest if we want to keep them in our lives, I realise nobody can get out without experiencing any pain.
Shortly after my first experiences reading the NIV bible, I got the chance to move to a new country for work. A year earlier I probably would not have taken this chance as it would have seemed bad for my spirituality, but now it was a great opportunity to explore my beliefs with more freedom. Living in a big city (London) instead of the small town I came from, meant, for example, that I could try different churches, or go to a Christmas party, and probably not get caught.
I did join a new Congregation when I moved here, when I came up for reappointment as an MS, I simply turned down the chance saying I was finding I am too busy with work to really commit myself. (Ok, I am still not nearly as honest as I should be...) As I did not really know anyone in the new congregation I could get away with this without causing too much suspicion. But I did carry on going to meetings for a little while and still felt I could be a Christian and a member of the Society. I think the last straw was actually at the 2 day assembly at Haysbridge earlier this year. The brother was giving a talk on soundness of mind, or wisdom, and his big example was to share a story of a girl who had been raped on a night out. He argued that this girl had not shown wisdom, by going out late at night. The irony of doing a talk on wisdom, and the lack of wisdom involved in telling a room with 900 people, where statistically the odds were high that there were several rape victims in the audience that they could be at fault for their rape was apparently lost on this brother. I was furious however and I complained about this after to anyone who would listen to me but got nothing in response. The refusal to criticise anything from the platform ever was now too much for me, I wanted nothing to do with this Organisation anymore.
I have been fading since, my family are still not fully aware of my position on the Watchtower Society, but I have made the decision to talk it through with them soon now I am closing in on a successful fade. I have no intention of disassociating myself, if I can get away with it, I will just disappear from the new Congregation. But if my actions get back to my new elders and I am called to a judicial meeting for apostasy, I won't attempt to deceive the elders, I will just not attend and deal with the consequences as it happens.