So as of today, it is my one year anniversary of being out. Today I decided to write down my story which I have had yet to do. I simplified it so that most people who know nothing of JWs can understand. In addition to writing this as self therapy, I plan to use it to educate others in my life who need to know more about where I come from. It is the first part of at least three and is the first draft, I wrote it in a few hours, so please be forgiving. Here it is.
"I find I am so excited I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it is the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain..." Words uttered by the character Red during the closing scenes of what has been and will remain my favorite film for many years, The Shawshank Redemption. A film that touches on many emotions and topics of human nature and behavior, so that all watching can, at the very least, relate to something. There are many lessons taught throughout the film: the value of patience, value of self respect, the importance of knowledge and wisdom, among others. The concept, though, that has most struck me most and may even be the main theme of the film, is the preciousness of freedom. A freedom that is just beyond the four stone walls, just out of reach. Touchable, but unable to be grabbed. Imagined, but not easily seen. Rightly deserved, but not freely given. For some men to enjoy freedom, a basic human right, they must take it for themselves from the corrupt hand that is holding it. In the film, Andy and Red found a way to take freedom for themselves, and in a like fashion, so I have done for myself. Today marks the 1 year anniversary of my no longer being a Jehovahs Witness. I have not yet shared my story in any sort of detail. So I see it as a fine time as any to share it with you.
For years I counted myself as very lucky on many fronts. I was born in Canada, a free, open, tolerant, and all around beautiful country. I was born in good health to very loving parents who, like most parents, only wanted what was best for me. My father, a carpenter (like a certain famous individual), worked hard to provide for the family. My mother cared and loved me and my sister deeply, she did her best to teach us about life. She taught us how to work hard, but also how to enjoy life as much as we could. My parents got along 99% of the time, with the occasional sufficient disagreement, so is to be expected. My younger sister and I, we fought a lot, but I feel, as much as it could be, it was a healthy interaction we had. I know she looked up to me with strong desire to impress. I loved her very much, I still do. But there was one other front on which, for a long time, I considered myself to be very, very lucky. By a mere roll of the infinitely sided genetic dice, along with a heavy dose of impeccable timing, I was born into a small elitist group who knew the absolute truth! Yes I was born into the ONLY true religion. The ONLY religion on earth who knew the truth about existence, the ONLY religion who's members were seen as acceptable in gods eyes, and the ONLY religion who's members would be the ONLY ones to survive the inevitable end of the world. I was born a Jehovahs Witness and as far as probabilities were concerned, compared to prize that I had won, it seemed I had one the lottery. Considering there are only just over 7 million Jehovahs Witnesses worldwide and just over 7 billion human being living, that put me at a 0.1% chance of being born into this religion. If one was to look at the probability taking into account numbers for all of human history, that probability would drop still. And again, I emphasize what the implications are for being part of this group. I must give you a briefing of what is believed by JWs in order for you to understand the situation. It is believed by this group that: a) God exists, b) the God that exists is the creator of the universe and all that is within it, this Gods name is Jehovah, c) this God dictated to random men, a sort of instruction manual for humans on how he/she/it wants people to live, this is now widely acknowledged as the Bible, which they see as infallible, d) this God is not satisfied with the way the world is so he has decided to destroy it(Armageddon), e) this God is willing to save those who live up to the standards and practices found in the Bible, he will not only save them, but reward them with everlasting life in a paradise earth, f) and finally, this is the kicker, he has appointed the Watchtower Organization, also known as Jehovah's Witnesses, as his mouth piece, therefor, all information that comes from this organization is directly form God, and is thus infallible. Only those who are officially part of this organization will reap the benefits spoken of above. So what luck I was bestowed with, what a privilege it was and it was, all in spite of impossible odds!
My parents taught me and my sister the beliefs of the religion and raised us as Jehovah's Witnesses. Like I said earlier, my parents wanted the best for me, and they felt this meant being a JW(Jehovah's Witness), so they took this religion very seriously. Unlike most religious families, the beliefs and traditions consumed our lives on all fronts. There were many religious meetings we would attend, three a week to be exact. It was expected by the religion, and thus my parents, for us to prepare for these 1-2 hour meeting by reading the literature written by the Watchtower which was to be covered during the preceding meeting. This often times took 1-2 hours in itself in addition to the time spent attending the meeting. We were also expected to do extra research, at least once a week, independent of the material covered at these meetings, but still restrained to books and magazines published by the Watchtower. Perhaps the most publicly known practice carried out by JWs, is the evangelizing work. Where members go to people's houses, often saturday mornings, in order to "share the good news". In reality, it is a recruitment effort, focused on converting people so as to save them from Armageddon. I will come back to talking about this evangelizing work in a moment as it was an important part of my life. In addition to these active traditions that I was raised to take part in, I was also expected to behave in a certain manner while abstaining from many normal traditions a child experiences. My parents took the religion very seriously and so, the things they didn't allow me to do or experience, again, were not of their own mind, but of the Watchtowers. I remember, in particular, being in kindergarden, 5 years old, for the very first time, I experienced an event that I found to be slightly confusing and tempting at the same time. See it was one of the kids birthday, and his mother came in with cupcakes for the special event. The ecstatic children ran to grab the desserts but I refrained. Then happy birthday was sung, I had never heard the tune before. I had never celebrated a birthday, not mine, not a family members, not a friends. The kids started to ask me why i didn't have a cupcake, I didn't know what to say, I was 5 for christ sake, and very sheepish to say the least. The kids kept bringing me cupcakes, they just wanted me to have a cupcake to, so I finally gave in. I felt so guilty, I mean God was watching me, and I just did something that he doesn't want me to do. When I went home I told my mom, she wasn't mad but she reminded me that we are not to celebrate birthdays and next time to just tell the kids thanks but no thanks. As would be expected, throughout the year, there were many more birthdays. But I was faithful to my parents and as a result, God, by telling the kids I couldn't have the delicious treats but thanks for the offer. I also refrained from singing happy birthday and from telling the kids that is was my birthday, on the day. My mother felt bad for me, so she decided to make a huge batch of cupcakes. We decorated them together, and the next day we brought them in for the kids, we told them that it wasn't for any birthday, but it was just because we wanted to. What a woman she was, she just didn't want me to feel left out. But try as hard as she could, she couldn't avoid this inevitable feeling that I was set up to experience for the rest of my childhood. For the religion also did not allow us to celebrate: Christmas, Easter, Halloween, Thanksgiving day, Mother's Day, Fathers Day, St. Patricks day, New Years, and a most other remaining holidays. Think back to when you were in elementary, how much of the time was used up making crafts for Thanksgiving, how many songs were sung for Christmas, and how excited you were to dress up as your favorite superhero for halloween. All those activities, I was not allowed to engage in, so most of that time was spent with the other JW kids in the library. To top it off, I was not allowed to associate with nonJW kids other than the necessary amount at school. If someone invited me to their house to play, I had to say no, because they were bad association. So I limited my friendships to be only with JWs. Momma tried to make me feel normal, but she was helpless to a system that controlled her parenting methods.
I may be presenting this in a negative light at this time, but back them, it was all I knew. When you're a kid, you think that your family is 'normal' and that this is just the way things are for everyone. So at the time, I was fine with the way things were, for the most part. I was becoming a good little JW boy who just wanted to make my parents proud and make the other JWs in my congregation accept and respect me. So at age 15 I decided to get baptized. All of my friends were getting baptized and all in my congregation were asking when I would take the plunge as well. So I figured that getting baptized was the best thing to do, there was nothing to lose, or so I thought. The problem with this scenario is that when you get baptized as a JW, in essence, you are dedicating yourself to the Watchtower Organization for the rest of your life. They make it VERY difficult and messy for you to leave as you will soon see. Now at the age of 15 when I made my life long dedication to the organization, I was a believer. I believed every aspect of the teachings and agreed with what was demanded of me. I was confident in the concept that I would be a JW for the rest of my life and sacrifice as much time and energy as possible to furthering the message. I wanted people to live through Armageddon and not be killed by God, so I set it as my life mission to save people. There was only one thing that threatened the whole situation.
As a JW, your interpretation of the Bible is a completely fundamental literalist view with only a few of the stories seen as being figurative. The rest, as far as a JW is concerned, is literal and ACTUALLY HAPPENED. So you may see it as a problem if it is proven that one of the literal stories in the Bible, did not happen. This was the basis for the beginning of my doubts. One of the most ridiculous stories found in the Bible is the story of Noah and the flood. You know the one where 2 of every animal from around the world were gathered up by Noah and placed in this immense boat which he build by hand at the ripe old age of 500. Then it rained for 40 days and 40 nights and even the highest mountain tops were covered with water for over a year. Well it's safe to say that I never really believed in this flood myth, I didn't see it as an issue that needed to be dealt with. My faith could remain strong regardless and I was sure that things would eventually make total sense. However, I never new how fragile a nut my faith was, my one doubt being an unnoticed crack along the shell, caused by stress and a poor structure. It was only a matter of time until it shattered.