A Cry for Help

by Thoughtless 52 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  OnTheWayOut

  Simon: You really have no choice:

  Once you've seen the wizard is just a guy behind a curtain ... you cannot believe in the Wizard again.

  You certainly can't sacrifice your life and future (college / university etc...) because of some old guy.

  Simon is correct, particularly because of your comment:

  ....staying is having horrible effects on me. Especially in terms of people of the opposite sex. I just feel lonely, man.

  Welcome to the forum. You are so young. At that young age, everything seems to take forever. Of course you have to move on soon and of course you want to pursue the opposite sex. DO NOT HOOK UP WITH A JW!!!!!! DO NOT HOOK UP WITH A JW!!!!!

  I don't think you are totally belittling yourself to say you "...have a very specific/unordinary life." You just mean that describing it might reveal who you are to some other lurker from your circle of people. But to be sure, you are not unordinary. You are extraordinary- you realized that WTS is not the truth and you enrolled in college from a group of people that does not encourage such a thing; from a family that even hindered your ability to go to college. That is awesome. You can have a real life ahead of you because of your extraordinary path. But remember: DO NOT HOOK UP WITH A JW!!!!!!

  As far as getting out, you are considering the DA path. I won't try too hard to talk you out of that, but consider the idea of just doing what you would do after you DA, then doing it anyway without giving any official notice. It's a type of instant fade. It doesn't guarantee that the elders would not pursue you to kick you out, but sometimes you get away without losing your "inactive" status, which allows family to decide if they don't want to shun you. Just a thought. You wouldn't have to "live a lie." You would simply attempt to be honest with your family, but not always in their faces about what's wrong with JW's.

  If you do lose contact with family and friends (most people lose their JW friends and family contact changes), you can develop a new type of family bond with other former JW's and with a new circle of friends and people from your field of work. I have awesome former JW friends and a great relationship with coworkers. I also have family that were never JW's.

  It sounds noble to "inspire many to go to college as well, instead of fleeing from it" but are you maybe just thinking like the older JW's? You might be thinking they need to see you active in a congregation after getting college, but really- young people just need to know of your success in life outside of the congregation. They can envy your courage to break away. If you think differently concerning your little brother, well.... you know him. That might mean fading and barely being involved with the JW's for a few more years while helping him. You are so busy with your education that it would be easy to fade back to just occasionally attending meetings. You could talk up college openly and find yourself with less responsibility in the congregation while fading.

  Only you can decide if you can do that. Many go one way- staying active (even if barely) for family's sake and many just stop attending and do their best to avoid a DF/DA, and many pull the plug on JW's altogether. The way you write this post, it sounds like you want to either stop attending or barely attend meetings until you finish your education. If you go that route, you can always just pull the plug at anytime later when you are fed up with it.

  While it is frowned upon extremely heavily, remind yourself that dating outside the JW's is not a disfellowshipping offense, as long as the elders do not hear of any "fornication." That said, DO NOT HOOK UP WITH A JW!!!!!! So consider that even your normal desires don't have to be ignored and they don't have to lead to being kicked out.
• 

  Captain Obvious

  Time to start making friends at college, if you can. Miss more meetings, quit service altogether. Once you develop a decent support group outside the JWs it will hurt a lot less once you leave altogether. Your family will just chalk it up to the demonic influence of higher education. They may not cut you off if you don't get DFed,though they will always try to 'encourage' you.

  I know what u mean about being the only one with eyes wide open among family who not only buys right into it, but fully depends on the cult for normality and hope. Just be glad you woke up while young, before you are married or have kids. There are many who would just up and leave in your situation because of the simplicity of it all.

  Whatever you do, do not trust ANYONE with too much right now. JW apostadars are on high at the moment after the summer DC talks this year. Even your best friend or family can turn on you

  Best part is, if youmdont talk about your doubts to anyone, don't give the elders any hints, they have nothing to DF you for if you play your cards right. Stay in as log as you feel it is necessary. If you can get your brother to go to college, he may wake up too. Then your folks will have a much harder time shunning you both.

  Have you consider moving away to go to a different school next year? Maybe one that offers something you want but can't get nearby. Just a thought.
• 

  Gayle

  Wow, you've accomplished a lot and have a lot going for you already!! You've accomplished being a "tight-rope walker" (and that's not necessarily a 'double-lifer") through so much already. Continue to build a portfolio and try to get out on your own, and away from the congregational territory that knows you. You sound sensitive enough to continue to express regularly your sincere appreciation to your mom and your brother. Being happy and loving (even when difficult) and that confuses them.

  Try to get to know non-JWs, like at school. Maybe you can work parttime to rent a simple room near school?

  So many best wishes to your new and better life!!
• 

  Sammy Jenkis

  Thoughtless, thanks for sharing your situation. I too feel like I'm sailing your same boat in certain aspects and can only advise to be true to whatever is going on inside. If there's a conflict because you now realize that this is not the place to be then make an honest move, not one motivated by anger or disgust with the things you've discovered. Being angry and showing it to your adoptive family and brother will only serve to alienate.

  As far as your brother, I can relate but if he's reasonable he will understand that it wasn't college that changed your mind just as much as high school didn't make you different either.

  Best wishes,

  Sammy
• 

  Oubliette

  Welcome!

  Obviously, you're really quite thoughtful, not thought-less!

  I see you've already gotten some good advice. Knowing you've been lurking for awhile, I suspect you've already read a great many helpful posts.

  Your situation is intolerable, I know.

  It is just further proof-as if we needed any-that JWs are a manipulative, high-control cult.

  It is important for your mental and emotional health that you find a way to live an authentic life of integrity. That being said, since you are still living at home you need to proceed with caution.

  One of the important things you need to start becoming aware of is the concept of appropriate boundaries. You might benefit from reading this thread:

  • Relationship Issues: Boundaries, Freedom of Choice and Codependency

  Basically, JWs have an institutionalized culture of not respecting personal boundaries.

  You need to reassert yours. You don't have to be a jerk about it, or even that obvious. But it does mean that if and when anyone--especially nosy elders--ask you questions that you are not comfortable answering, you do NOT have to answer them. No one has the right to be in your head, no one!

  You should start thinking of ways to evade and deflect. Most elders aren't astute enough to notice. You're obviously smart, so that will probably work 90% of the time.

  For the other 10% you need some clear, boundary re-establishing lines. Perhaps something like:

  • Why do you ask?
  • Are YOU having doubts?
  • You know, I'm not really comfortable with the way your pressing this point.
  • I don't know. What do you think?
  • No.
  • That's personal.

  Of course the right answer at the particular time depends on the specific question asked. But I think you get the idea. Essentially, you're finding polite ways to tell people, "It's none of your business, thank you very much!"

  Hang in there and keep sharing!

  Oubliette
• 

  Scully

  Thoughtless:

  I lost out of 60K scholarship because my mom refused to jump on boat.

  That's atrocious. If you got bilked of 60K in any other circumstance, you'd have grounds for legal action. Yet, your adoptive parents - who are legally required to do what is in your best interests - can get away with this crap because they belong to a religion that looks down its nose at higher education.

  If you can stick this JW thing out until you finish your education and keep your mouth shut about your doubts and beliefs that the WTS is a false religion, you'll be in a better position to be on your own. If your parents are helping pay your way, that's the route I'd take, because they could easily yank your funding out from under you if they think you're becoming Apostate™.

  There are a quite a few of us who have caught up on getting their education - Laverite is one of these folks. I don't consider my educational track to be all that impressive, but I started nursing school in my 30s and have been working in a specialty that I love for the last 15 years. I was on the fence as a JW when I started college - had lots of doubts and saw many false teachings and got tons of flak from JWs (the usual Armageddon™ is Right Around The Corner™ - don't waste your time on school!! etc.) and in the meantime learned a lot about critical thinking and propaganda. By the time I graduated I was convinced that leaving the JWs was the right thing to do, for myself and my family.

  That doesn't mean I went around rocking the boat with all the JWs I knew. I still have family in the JWs and although the relationship is strained, because I've not poked the beehive with a stick, I haven't yet been stung in retaliation.

  Have you thought of trying to reconnect with your birth parents? You may have a family that you don't know yet who would love to reconnect with you. They could make the difference between being alone among JWs and having a family that loves you unconditionally.
• 

  ABibleStudent

  Welcome Thoughtless and congratulations on being couragous enough to go to college.

  From your first post it sounds like you have a rough plan already for fading. If you want to help your brother, don't talk to him about TTATT and take him places where he can meet non-JWs his age who share a common interest with him. Also, it would help your brother to see you having fun and what you learn at college. If you want more advice to improve your plan, start a thread about a specific detail and ask for opinions. I would also suggest doing as much research as you can about the WTBTS and dangerous cults by visiting websites like www.jwfacts.com and www.freedomofmind.com and by reading books by Steve Hassan (i.e., "Combatting Cult Mind Control", "Releasing the Bonds: Empowering People to Think for Themselves", and (his latest book) "Freedom of Mind: Helping Loved Ones Leave Controlling People, Cults and Beliefs").

  Have you thought about pm'ing Billy the Ex-Bethelite for more personal advice or reading some the posts that he has started since he is going to college also?

  As far as the dating is concerned, if you live away from home and go to college that should be easier than if you live at home. If you live at home, I would imagine that doing social activities on campus are not as much fun as those off-campus, but there would be less of a chance that you would run into a JW who you know. If you want to date a non-JW be honest with them about your situation. If they don't understand about your situation, suggest that they watch the following videos: Steve Hassan interviews Dr. Zimbardo in his home (I think 1997) and/or To Verdener (Worlds Apart) - HD English Subtitles (good chick flick).

  Best wishes in your fade.

  Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,

  Robert
• 

  jgnat

  I'm a mother and a grandmother. I hear you and I give you my most motherly hug. You are a son to be proud of.

  By way of encouragement,

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZMGZQZRIsJE&list=PLu8PKLE6JPp6l-0iT4QAo3nuAS5oBvX6q&index=1

  P.S. You can be a model and an example to your brother even as you exit. Use socratic questioning to help him think. Let him come up with his own answers and always honor his choices even if they are different than yours. This is the example you want him to have for the future.

  I want all those kids in your hall see you exit and thrive. Let them chew on that.
• 

  BackseatDevil

  The world, is so full of color... and especially at your age it's waiting for you to reach out with fresh hands and fingerpaint whatever the f you want to paint. And that is kind of the beauty of being free of the JW's, you get to create the world YOU want that works for YOU. And when you are the best you that you can be... you then start adding positively to the world around you, making the world a better place. Getting there is going to be dirty and hard, it's going to suck, but it's REAL and it's ALIVE, and it's beautiful.

  You may be independent, distant from your family... they don't know you (or the "essence" of you as you put it). And they're not going to. Or they might, but it will be with Jehovah-colored glasses. You... as independent as you are... seem like you are biting at the bit to just do everything you've ever seen in the movies... lol. I may be reading that wrong, but it's okay if you are. I get it.

  Good people in your life work as a safety net ONLY. Not human versions of Post-It notes sccribbled with affirmations. You don't need that. That's clutter. You don't want clutter, you want freedom. A saftey net is who you call when you get kicked out of the house and you need a couch to sleep on, or who will drive you home when you've had too much to drink. They are the ones that stand behind you after a harsh break up or stand beside you when you bury a loved one. It's not something used often, but none of that is given in any reality with the JWs because their friendships come with boundaries and limitations, both in life experience and in capacity to digest information. For such, nobody well ever see the real you... you're bigger then what their scope allows for them to see. You already know this, which is why it's interesting to read this from my end.

  You know what you want. You know how it's going to better your life and yourself as a human being. You think things through REALLY well. And you know you're going to be a better person for it. So... get to it already. :-)

  (and that's about as much of a f'n pep talk as you'll ever get out of me... lol)
• 

  Iown Mylife

  Hello young friend, Great advice and counsel here! Please try to read and consider all that's been said!

  All I can add to the discussion is that if I was in your situation, knowing what I know now, I would focus on doing everything possible to complete my formal education while still able to live at home. You have to be able to compete in the job market and the only way to make a decent living is to get your education.

  Don't worry your head about all the stuff you have to do in order to cope. By making sure that you will have the means to support yourself when the time comes, everything else will fall into place. Your working life is the crucial priority. You are doing the right thing for yourself, and in the long run, for your family. I sure wish you much success!