Hello ,I am a jw,been in the "truth " for about 6 years.i have to be very careful because I know the witnesses monitors sites and report to the elders ,I know cause that is what my blood sister does,she spends hours trying to find apostates in the closet.i know stuped.
so this is my situation.i have known about jw almost all my life and heard that only them have the truth,lots of my family are in it.i was the one taking too long to baptize ,I knew it was expected from me.and I always had a need to make ppl like me .so I took the dip.i started to notice that there are lots of jws that belong to little groups.i wanted friendship so bad and at the time had a need o tell ppl about my horrible childhood traumas i guess I was not over it yet,and needed some to lisent since I had drove my spouse nuts already .what happend this ppl pretend to want to be close to me so they can know all my business and then tell everyone at the hall.then you realize uhhh,they never confided their personal stuff to me.is like a game " you can tell me your stuff,but do not expect me to keep it to myself and do not think I will tell you my dirty laundry.a lot of mind games.
so I was alone ,invisible ,I still can't believe I put up with so much ! I can't wright not even half of what I when through.i feel paranoic now.so I came across a YouTube video by jwstruggle and blow my mind ,now I can't stop researching,my spouse is not a jw,and is very shock too.so I decided that I want to fade,I guess it won't be so hard since the sis and brothers did not had a close relationship with me.i have kids and I suffer from pts ,anxiety attacks,panick attacks and severe depression.i moved to the next town of my hall,so I have change hall too.i have not been to my new hall,and wanted to know,will the elders in my old hall contact the elders in my new hall just to see if I am attending?.
my spouse told me " I will tell them I am not letting you go" "and "I found out that your liars!"and my spouse is not going to take my kids to the hall". So that is my spouse solution.my spouse told me that I do not own no one a word ,a response .do you think is a good strategy ?
i feel so confuse and lost.i have believe that jw have Gods favor,and now I feel that I can't unlearned what I know now,.a part of me wishes i never knew what I now know.and A part of me feel free,liberated from the stress I felt for so long for all the expectations from ppl,.i dread service is a nightmare,and they also have expectation from your children,there are sisters with children and if they see your kids are not " spiritual" they won't have your kids play with theirs.so I was alone and my children too.
now they are calling cause they want to know how things are going in the new hall,! Ohh the last meeting I went to ,a brother gave a talk and said and i quote"if you feel that no one wants to be a close friend or associate frequently with you ,perhaps you have worldly personality .i wanted to get up and leave,he also said and i quote " if you want to know what misery is ,,,ask one of the sis or brothers here with unbelieving husbands or wifes and you would think twice before not marring in The Lord .WHAT! I was shocked again.that was my last time.
my question is should i go to my new hall a few times before disapering?thanks if you read the whole thing ,and I am sorry it was so long,but I had to vent