Despite my response in teejay's "taboo" thread - http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/forum/thread.asp?id=25580&site=3 - in which I supported the idea of polyamory, I am presently in a relationship which is monogamous by mutual agreement. I was fascinated and intrigued by the lady, and attracted to her, enough to make that commitment when she explained that it had to be that way or we'd need to go separate ways.
That relationship is presently at a rough spot, one which I described to somebody recently as "that point you reach, where all the spark is gone but you haven't put it out of its misery yet." Her parents have been visiting from out of state since Wednesday (it's Saturday as I write) and we haven't seen each other since last Monday. Neither of us seems to be suffering much from the absence, to judge by the sparse, detached one-liners we have sent by Instant Messenger.
Last night, a former girlfriend IM'ed me, wanting to borrow a software CD. I said sure, and we arranged for her to pick it up this morning.
I cannot think of words to describe the startling immediacy and intensity of the sexual chemistry as we met at my door. It was just suddenly there, like a thunderbolt, and both of us had trouble making conversation--couldn't think. Our bodies were almost magnetically drawn toward each other; we seemed to stumble toward each other as we walked, and standing, we leaned together. In his book, Almost Adam, Petru Popescu describes that magnetism, that insistent, urgent sexual connection between two people (or animals), as "the desperation of genes". Well, buddy, these genes were DESPERATE!
We sat on the couch and talked, with the pretense of catching up on each other's recent history, but I knew it for what it was: the subconscious was stalling for time, waiting for our brains to give in and let us go ferociously at it. I had a headache, and is my habit, I turned my head with my hands so as to pop the bones in my neck. She said, "Here, let me fix that," and started working knots out of my neck and shoulder muscles. I knew the physical contact would just intensify the situation, but I didn't stop her. My muscles were very tight (stress at work, I guess) and what she was doing hurt, but in a wonderful way. As they began to relax, the relief spread through me and I felt warm and slightly dizzy. "Here," she said, "rest up against me. You're still too tense."
I answered with a teasing tone, "You just want to press your breasts into my back. I know what's going on here." It was the first conscious acknowledgement of the sexual tension between us. She made a noise meant to convey a mix of irritation (at me for acknowledging it, which meant I was resisting it) and agreement, and pulled me back against her. I didn't stop her.
We were rapidly approaching the point of no return: it was either follow the course of events to its intended destination (which we would have reached in a matter of milliseconds, if I'd done anything more than sit there passively like a rag doll), or take action to stop it. With a tremendous effort of will, I got up from the couch and went to change the music I had playing. It gave me a breather, but didn't lessen the "desperation of genes" between us. When I sat back down, I was closer to her than I had intended to be, and she leaned over and kissed me, long and deep, and our hands instinctively started to roam.
Well, this WAS the point of no return. In my mind I could rationalize sitting there letting her massage my shoulder muscles, but now I had crossed over from passive to active.
So... mustering all my willpower... I sat back and said, "Why the hell did you wait to do this until I was in a monogamous relationship?"
Talk about your bucket of cold water...
And so she apologized profusely and I told her there was nothing to apologize for and we verbally fumbled and stumbled our way back from the brink, to the point of being just friends who were sharing a software CD. She got up and picked up her purse and, after a couple of failed attempts at making light conversation, said, "Well... if you're ever freed up again, you know how to find me." And we said goodbye.
Morals. It's got nothing to do with Christianity, y'all. It's all in the individual. I sleep well at night precisely because this is the kind of guy I am.
COMF
