Introduction: Much has been said about the JW Judicial Committee system, and all the negatives, along with some concurrent Shepherding visits. The purpose of this short series is to discuss how and why we made shepherding visits, and what those visits were like from the perspective as Elders. Nothing here is designed to be self-serving, self-indulgent, or self-justifying ... it needs to be told from the vantage point of how we felt at the time, and what we thought we were accomplishing ... though blind to the hurt and harm some of this caused.
PS: Future installments will eliminate the background, and be shorter.
Background: Our congregation was known as the armpit of the Circuit because of high inactivity, high irregularity, high numbers of disfellowshippings, and high turn-over in Elders and MS. We decided to turn this around, and from the JW perspective we did this ... inside one year, became a shinning star in the Circuit.
What determined who we made Shepherding calls on? We made twice a month 'scheduled' visits, mostly on inactive and irregular Publishers, but also on regular Publishers to encourage them to do more, reach out for more, etc. We also called on those who requested visits, had recently sufferred some personal loss such as a death in the family, and called on those who were recently reproved or reinstated to keep them pumped up to move forward. Finally, we called on some who we thought were struggling with problems to see if we could help them in some way.
All ths produced some interesting visits. During these visits we encountered things we were not prepared for, and became very aware, though silently, of how ill-equipped we were to really help people ... some JC matters surfaced, but more often than not, deep rooted issues that cause serious emotional and spiritual problems could not truly be dealt with within the JW framework of Shepherding or style of so-called Christianity.
First Visit: Sister L was a very kind and open-hearted person. She was single, and a Reg. Pio. She had been involved in some level of professional media work, I believe a part time model, and had some minor roles in TV shows. She became a JW during her efforst to move ahead in her professional life. She decided to quit this profession, and move to northern California ... into our Congregation. She roomed with a couple of other Sisters who also Reg. Pioneered.
She called us for a visit: Elder S and I were two of her three favorite Elders. I could see why they were favored because they came across as kind and easy going. I guess she saw me that way too, but I really never found out. She said over the phone that she was suffering from guilt and felt she could not continue to reg. Pioneer. I feared that she was doing something wrong judging from the implication of guilt she spoke about.
When we arrived, she had already chased off her roommate so she could talk privately. We talked causally for a while, and then she asked for a prayer. Elder S opened up with prayer. I recall feeling scared that she was about to confess something really serious.
As we talked she seemed unsure of her emotional, and her guilt was not always feeling like Pioneering ... she wanted to, but she also missed the Southern California life and her budding career in TV and modeling. She was torn, and as a result, felt that Jehovah was withdrawing his spirit from her, causing her to feel depressed.
Elder S reveals a surprise: He immediately connected with Sister L when he said that prior to being a JW he was a radio disc jocky and part time talk show host up in the Scaramento area (circa mid to late 1970s). He had a degree in broadcasting, and was on his way to the top. He talked about how he met his wife, while she was 'weak' as a JW, and he was studied with, and gave up his career. he said he lamented that, but the life he had now as a JW seem to pay off ... he was by then driving delivery trucks.
You could see her relax: I think that sometimes, the most good any Elder could do was to make such a connection, and get on the same playing field as the JW who is feeling mixed emotions. She then opened up about how much she missed southern California, and her career. She especially enjoyed modeling and the fun of doing photo sessions.
I didn't know how to connect, but I asked an odd question: I asked, "What do you want out of life?" She responded with usual JW rhetoric about serving Jehovah and making it into the New system. So I rephrased my question, "If you had your wish right now, if supposing we no longer had the preaching work, and life was normal, what wold you pursue?" I have no idea what prompted this line of questioning, because it was not normal to the situation. She then stated that she would pursue a TV career if it were still available, but mostly she was lonely and wanted to meet a JW man and get married. Ahhhh ...
What was she looking for in a man? She surprised us both by saying that she could not find any suitable JW man in our congregation. She said that she would like to meet a man like us, but all the good ones were taken. Elder S and I both blushed ... imagine sitting with an attractive and fun loving woman telling you in effect that you are one of the good ones she would love to marry.
She opened up more: I don't know what ELder S expected, but somehow, I was wondering if she was going to reveal some sin. She went on to reveal that while she liked the sisters she lived with, they were like drones ... and she missed partys liked they had in Sountern California. We talked about her moving back to the southland, but she could not afford to do so, but would if she could.
Elder S gives his advice: He asked her that if she had considered stopping Reg. Pioneering and take time to sort things out about what she wanted. he pointed out that not every Jw can or should Pioneer, and maybe Jehovah was moving her to think about other ways to serve him ... and since she had Pioneered, maybe she could leave that to others. His advice was the first time I recall any JW Elder encouraging someone to not Pioneer ... and this affected me thereafter to consider giving similar encouragement to others who seemed over-burdened.
I give advice in question form: I didn't really know what to say, and struggled for something that would spark any admissions of wrongs ... not that I was seeking gory sins, but just wanted to clear the air just in case ... and mentioned how some have private problems, like drinking too much, and are afraid to talk and deal with it. Boom, Flash, Pay-dirt ... so I thought ...
Sister L reveals a secret problem ... but ends up Shepherding me: She lit up like fireworks and said that she was surprised how I hit on the issue of drinking. She said that she did not drink, but that she grew up in an alcoholic homelife, where expectations were too high, and the only thing she could count on was instability of emotions of her dad. WOW! I now connected with her, and asked her to elaborate.
She said that her dad was a severe alcoholic, and that as a result, children who grow up in such environments, most often learn coping mechanisms that they take into adulthood ... that the tools learned end up not working in the adult world and cause serious emotional problems for an adult child of an alcoholic. "Tell me more sister, for my dad was an alcoholic."
She mentioned that a book she read about Adult Children of Alcoholic was aong the finest in helping her cope, and that she was still learing how much the alcoholic homelife had affect her in adulthood ... the emotional confusion, heartache over things you can't identify, and improper skills in understanding and dealing with other people. "WOW ... what book was that?"
She showed me the book:Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics by Herbert L. Gravitz and Julie D. Bowden, Copyright 1985. She then showed how she underlined it like a JW book, but that it had helped her so much, but she felt guilty that her search in Watchtower literature had not produced the quality and details she needed. She started crying, because this was so meaningful to her. All we could do was be there and try to be comforting ... for ELder S and I did not know waht to say to this. Secretly, I felt a strong yearning to read her book, but was afraid to ask for it.
We encouraged her again to consider taking time off from Pioneering and sorting things out. We truly tried to help her not feel guilty about this. She agreed to do that. And we then considered some really nice scriptures about God's love, etc. It was our best, but really lacked what she needed. Elder S and I talked later and we both realized how inadequate we felt to help her.
Before we left, I got the courage to ask about the book: I told her that I wanted to get a copy because my Dad's alcoholism caused a lot of problems, and maybe that book has some information that would help me now, especially since my brother is a heavy drinker, and my wife's family are alcoholics ... given my wife's depression, maybe there is some helpful reference laterial ... Sister L went off again about the connection between depression and alcoholism, and that this book would certainly help. She said she my offer to loan the book on the strict promise I would find my own copy and return her copy, but she would have to think about it.
We left apologetic: We felt that we did not really help her and apoligized for not being what she needed. She responded by saying that we were more help than we realized, for she felt some burden lifted, because she really needed to stop Pioneering, and our encouragement was what she was looking for. We left feeling that it was a good visit overall.
Later that day: I heard the doorbell ring. Sister L was standing there ... and handed her copy of the book to me. Sure enough it was all highlighted, notes in the margins, and extra underlines. She begged me to keep the book confidential and her notes were like a diary ... but she was trusting me because she knew I really wanted and likely needed the information in it. I thanked her and vowed to return the book, and keep her confidence.
I read the book cover to cover ... and for the first time felt some sense of understanding my own emotinal struggles. I immediately went out and bought three new copies, two to loan out, and one to mark up for myself. I returned her book, and kept quiet about it. But that book is still in my collection, and was one of the first beginnings of how I came to understand how poorly trained and underqualified JW Elders are in dealing with peoples problems. the book also became instrumental in eventually setting up a JW-styled AA group.
What happened to SisterL? She eventually moved back to southern Claifornia, to her old congregation. the last I heard was that she was getting back into modeling. That was the mid-1980s, so I have no idea what she ended up doing ... but I never heard of her again.
In one meeting, one of my very first Shepherding calls, it was I who was shepherded ... it was I who benefited from a JW sister who was needing help, but ended up helping me ... and for that I am forever grateful ... and hope that she too has done well and found some peace of mind and heart ... If she is out there somewhere, and reads this, she will know who I am, and maybe I will hear from her.
Stay tuned for "Shepherd #2
Following Bible principles, we will avoid trying to live - or demand others to live - by an extensive and rigid set of dos and don'ts that go beyond the teachings of the Bible. The Watchtower, 4-15-02, pg 22, pp 15