Fading & Feeling Lost ... Part 2

by What Now? 17 Replies latest jw experiences

  • What Now?
    What Now?

    Sorry to keep dragging this on ... but this is really the only place to vent right?

    So basically it's going on 4 months now that we've had zero meeting attendance, and for the last 2 months we have not reported any service time (Prior to that, when our service group overseer would send a text asking for our time, we would report 4 hours each, for our "family study").

    In my last post, I talked about how we were having a really difficult time beginning a new life outside the organization. I had signed up for a number of preschool classes with my son, only to have them be cancelled due to low registration. I've taken classes, hoping to meet people with similar interests, but nothing ever came out of it. I take my son at least once a week to a local bookstore where they have a train table set up for kids to play with, but I never see the same people twice, and while I might start to make pleasant conversation with someone, I turn my back for two seconds, and they've left. One preschool class that I signed up for recently actually did go ahead as planned, but there are only 4 other moms there, and all of them are kind of stand-offish and not very friendly; Even after the second class now, if I hadn't gone and said hello and introduced myself, I don't think anyone would have even spoken to each other yet. My last straw kind of came today when I signed up my son and I for a fun little cooking class - there was supposed to be 15 other kids there ... big surprise, we were the only ones that showed up.

    I've been especially depressed this past week ... all the more so when thanks to social media, you can see all the fun that our witness friends are having without us - mamas on playdates, dinners out, get togethers etc.

    I feel guilty that I might be depriving my son of the chance to form stable, constant friendships. Most of our days are spent at home, just the two of us. I'm lonely. I miss entertaining. I'm pregnant, and I feel like I have no support, or anyone to be excited with me. I almost wonder if going back to the hall would be the lesser of two evils at this point.

    What has made things even more emotionally difficult for me, is that suddenly today (after I was kind of sad about our cooking class), I had THREE witness friends message me out of the blue, saying they missed us, wanting to set up a playdate and hang out. I also got an invitation to a big pool party later in the summer. I don't necessarily know if it's a "sign from God" ... or at the very least, if the universe is pulling us in a certain direction.

    I can't imagine that we are being pulled towards being full fledged witnesses again. I can't "unfeel" my feelings about the doctrine, etc. I don't ever want to go in service again. I want my son to have memories of birthdays and holidays.

    The thing is, our experience within the organization has never been that great. I entertained and organized so much, because if I didn't, we would have had a pretty empty social calender otherwise. We were always included in people's bigger events - anniversary parties, goodbye parties etc, but it seemed we were never worth the effort when it was our anniversary, when we moved out of a hall. For the most part, if we weren't doing the calling or inviting, we didn't hear from people. I don't want to go back to that either.

    But at least it was SOMETHING.

    Feeling so conflicted... I just literally don't know what to do anymore.

    I don't want to be one of thoes families that leave the organization and don't do so well, for people to say "well that's what happens when you leave Jehovah".

    But I`m just lost.

  • problemaddict
    problemaddict

    Hey What now.

    I can relate to the way you feel. Alot of us can. (not the pregnant thing being a dude and all that). It can be difficult to make new friends after having spend your formidable years in the religion. So far my only serious buddies that are not JW's.......are former JW's. Kind of pathetic I realize. Yes there are the "get-togethers" and other things. You have a ready made built in community. I suspect its why so many put up with the non-sense. But there is a price to be paid for that community. You just have to determine if the price is worth it.

    How old is your kid? Mine is still a toddler. We hope to have another baby soon. What part of the world are you in?

    One thing I would not worry about, is what other people think. I have maintained most of my relationships with my friend in the org (the good ones). So far so good, and they all know where I stand. Do you have friends worth kighting for? Doesn't mean they have to think like you do, but that maybe will surprise you and not love you any les for deciding not to go to meetings anymore?

    There is no easy answer. That is why this is so insidious. Its the "you are with us or against us" mentality. It isn't fair to you. Seek community. Not just people. That might be easier. You will get there. Finding just one really close good friend is very difficult, but worth the effort.

  • SloppyJoe
    SloppyJoe

    There are many people who may disagree with what I am about to tell you, so read this as only one option. My background is I learned the truth about the truth fifteen years ago. To this very day I still go to meetings and out in field service. I was raised a witness and and all of my family are in. Leaving would have meant I was going to leave all that behind. I HATED everything about the religion. Over time I came to realize that showing up for meetings and sporadically going out in service, I didn't lose anything. I went to Christmas parties at work and their birthday parties. I didn't go out in service for nine months straight and reported time every month. For me it was a small price to pay to keep my entire life. I realize some will say its better to just walk away, for me it just wasn't. Going to meetings and being able to chuckle about things that change just makes things easier. As far as your kids celebrating holidays and birthdays that would make what I did pretty difficult. Growing up I had cousins that had "presents day" around Christmas and their birthdays but it wasnt outright celebrating. Again I only say this is just one option. I am sure there are hundreds of people here who have gone though what you have and can offer advice.

  • Ding
    Ding

    Don't give up.

    It takes time to build a good relationship.

    It will happen.

  • Hortensia
    Hortensia

    I'm sorry you feel sad and alone.

    Where are you? Maybe someone here lives in your area and you could meetup. Don't stay alone in the house all day. Get out in the sunshine every day even if you don't feel like it. I'm not really being much help, but I know how you feel and I wish you lived near here, northern California.

  • finally awake
    finally awake

    I understand your situation - I stayed in for years because I couldn't imagine losing my entire social life. I think the best thing for your family is to keep away from the hall and the people there and focus on making a new life for yourself. Once your oldest starts school, volunteer at his school. We signed our older boys up for Boy Scouts because they were interested and already knew a couple of the boys in the troop who live near us. Keep trying with the classes - many people are socially awkward and have a hard time making new friends, even when you initiate the process.

    I'm sending you a PM

  • What Now?
    What Now?

    Thanks everyone...

    Problemaddict - it's not pathetic at all to have mostly ex-JW's in your circle of friends. I'm sure that would be the best place to start as they actually "get it". Unfortunately, we just don't know any. Our son is 2 and a half years old and we are in Canada. We've never really had great friends in the organization. We've never really been close with anyone, though not for lack of trying. There are literally 2 people who if I never saw them again, it would hurt. And even then we're not super close ... I think we really only did things together because we have boys close in age. But I can say with absolute certainty that if we were to reveal ourselves as inactive, and our reasons for being inactive, they would cut off contact with us.

    SloppyJoe - I think a huge percentage of Witnesses are in the same boat you're in. I'm a firm believer that if the governing body relaxed the rules regarding how to treat disfellowshipped/disassociated witnesses, and people had nothing to lose from walking away, they would lose more than hald the membership. What kept me hanging on for so many years was the thought of losing everything. If it was just my husband and myself, maybe things would be different and I could fake it. But having children involved now ... I can't raise them as witnesses, dragging them to meetings and in service, or living a double life from the time they're small.

    Ding - I hope so. But when literally every attempt I've made over a good couple of years has failed ... and after feeling really down about our situation and within a span of a couple hours getting three invites from old friends ... the old witness thinking kicks in and I almost wonder, "is Jehovah trying to tell me something??"

    Hortensia - We're Canadian. I WISH I lived in California! There doesn't seem to be as much of an established Ex-witness community up here as there is in the states.

    finally awake - I guess I'm just at the point where waiting another 2 years for my son to start school seems really, really too far off....

  • finally awake
    finally awake

    Are you in a large metropolitan area? we are in a very small town in a rural area, so there aren't many options for us. But I think in cities people can be more standoffish and even harder to develop friendships. Maybe that's just my bias though

  • bafh
    bafh

    I faded and it took me about 3 years to feel like I'm making new friends outside. It is hard. I was trying to not be a witness, but not be worldly. Didn't work. Join Meetup, parent groups, volunteer....it takes time. One of the social "issues" of the JWs is that you have instant relationships - and they develop fast and deep - artifically. So when you are out and about with "regular" people - it can be hard to understand why everyone isn't instantly a "friend". Well, to tell you the truth, it is healthier for friendships to develop slowly and naturally rather than in an artificial setting like the JWs.

    Don't give up. Find yourself, and others will find you.

    BAFH

  • JakeM2012
    JakeM2012

    Hang in there, WhatNow. I can appreciate your situation as I'm in one similar. I have found the last few years difficult, but things are much better now, and I wouldn't go back to JW fairy-friendland for anything. I'm not dissassociated or dissfellowshiped, but in my family, all are still in except me, but there is no correspondence, talk, nothing. Actually, I enjoy the peace, as they did nothing but fight anyway. (Fine examples of Christianity) The fighting and the judgemental attitude of not only my family, but the majority of people in the congregations is what helped me awake and face hard facts.

    I know that temporarily having a diminished social network is difficult and depressing. However, any JW friendship is conditional and temporary, and is usually based upon work that you do. For instance, you could have friends from the mid-week service, working on the quickbuilds, mowing the grass, etc. But most brothers or sisters didn't act like true friends unless it was based on these works and limited to that time, meaning if you stopped working on the quickbuilds, you most likely would not have contact with your Quickbuild "Friends".

    You can put so much effort into being their friends and they will drop you like a rock when they are through using you. I recall the many get-to-gethers that my wife and I had, and rarely would anyone invite us over even if all they could afford was beans. The gatherings I sponsored were well organized, fun, and plentiful, and they were also a lot of work and money. I'm not the person that kept score that I had someone over x number of times and I expected x number of times in return. I'm just saying that I was socially active when I was a witness, and I invited everyone, not just a click of people. Now, I feel like I'm treated like having leprosy.

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