Confused and Alone,
Amen. The essence of truth. Growing up, my father who knew everyone at Bethel would never attend meetings. I thought the family problems would stop if he attended meetings. He was JW royalty in KH terms. Of course, he had no power at Bethel. Fundamentally, I knew we were special Witnesses. No one at the local level could ever screw us for more than the time it took to call Bethel. My father could have been an elder, CO, etc. If he wanted it, he had special strengths so he could have had power at Bethel. Not with the top fat cats. So rather than Witnesses bowing down and worshiping us and break out with choruses of Alleulia, we were treated as dinky people. No one gave us any respect. Every meeting we were humiliated. The one rule besides never tell another JW anything personal was Never tell anyone your father served at Bethel. When we attended conventions, we would walking minding our own business. Nathan Knorr, Freddie Franz, etc. would see my father first and come over to say hello. My father never walked over to the top crowd. They came to him. On the other hand, my father would roam Yankee Stadium and when he located his factory pal, OMG, he was in heaven.
If anyone at the KH had a clue that he once touched his big toe at Bethel, they would have been orgasmic to meet him. Imagine if they ever knew that Nathan Knorr or Freddie walked out of their way to greet him. No, I never had that worship.
When I was young, I used to spend all my time at KH praying to Jehovah, then Jesus, begging for a single JW friend. Sometimes I thought I would break out wailing during WT study from the sheer loneliness. It was not funny. B/c there were no Witnesses in my immediate neighborhood, I could play with worldly kids. Somehow there was something in me that attracted worldly kids. We would play, fight, make up, talk about every topic under the son. Once in a while, my parents took us to old friends from the Witnesses. These people held great postions locally b/c they may have been a Bethelite for two days before being kicked out by Knorr or Henschel. I would be ecstatic. They had kids around my age! Jehovah does answer one prayer. My brother and I are bonkers to meet a JW royal kid. Well, the meeting occurred. It is hard to describe. Suddenly, I discoverd social awkwardness. Everything that worled well with kids everywhere did not work. If I asked about school, no response. They do not talk to me. I asked about toys, no reply. If I asked about the family dog, no reply. If anyone has ever read about the Beatles first meeting with Elvis and how devastated they were to meet the one person they idolized, knows what happened.
I was so young. Of coure, I thought my life would always be this way. There were about ten attempts to meet and make a JW kid friend. All failed completely. Yet all I had to iknow was leave my door and every little kid for blocks around played with me. I wanted to kill my parents when they said we had to leave our little park to go home. An extrovert needs people. I score so high on extroversion which shocks me b/c I thought I was an extreme introvert b/c of my Witness kid encounters. During high school, I had so many friends. It was heaven. Truthfully, I was involved in city wide high school activites so I even had friends from high schools relatively far away. My JW cousins had superfical friends. Even when I was 16, I had JW superfical monitors whom I wanted to execute. I was going to die at the big A b/c I did band or worked on the school paper. Right! Yet worldly high school students helped me through intricate and puzzling life problems. People sought me out for my help. Even in Newark, I had black friends, white friends, I tlaian friends,Latino, and Chinese friends. I was a magnet for friends without trying.
Sometimes when I am with friends, I take it for granted. Somehow the past enters my mind, I want to knell and thank Christ that I no longer want a JW friend. Some people here miss JW friends. I never had any friend to miss. Never. I recalled how when I was very young, some former Bethelites spent their last cent traveling across country to talk about some crisis with the Witnesses with both my father and mother.The person, usually a man, arrived in hysterics. I never saw such heaving and sobbing in life until September 11th.
I thought i was the only one. The happiest people on earth? Suicide, decent people with good mental health unable to function at all becaue of some Witness incident. Many JWs would deny this. I don't think I had a typical JW upbringing. Because of circumstances, I saw a depth, a breadth that few people experience. Why do I post so much? For decades even with ex JWs I never encountered anyone who had a Bethel experience or a born in experience. My soul needs to post. It scares me but I also give thanks to Christ. It spooks me that I never thought to ever do an Internet search to see if other people were around on the net. I just assumed I was completely alone.
My mind, soul, health thank all the former Behtelites or children of Bethelites who post here. I've met famous people but famous people do not rivet me as much as this particular crowd here. No super duper lawyer rivets me as much.