Wow, thanks everyone for your responses... though I don't know if I am really much clearer :) I think an apostate is whatever the elders / other witnesses decide! I think that my Mother and Father in Law would not see my husband (their son) as an apostate - (even though he tells them that he doesn't believe that the Witnesses have the truth...) Maybe they justify to themselves that he was never baptised, so he isn't the evil, wicked, mentally diseased people that the WTS warns them about... Though if he was ever talking to a random elder in their 'congo' and expressed the same views, that elder would probably label him an apostate...
Interesting...
nonjwspouse - how is your relationship with your in-laws? (Do you think it's really possible to have an honest relationship with a JW if you're not..??)