Reverse Shunning -- Is It Really Worth It?

by Narcissistic Supply 12 Replies latest jw friends

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  Narcissistic Supply

  Creating an alternate reality through ambient abuse, gaslighting, and 4 generations of bullshit. Is it really worth it engaging in reverse shunning. I’m praying for MORE ambient abuse to take me back to Kansas, toto.

  But seriously,

  I could never really put my finger on the treatment I was getting from my mother in law. I put up with it for 4 years. I used terms like insidious, and “all encompassing.”

  Recently, since reading about narcissists and what they do to people, I came across the terms, ambient abuse and gaslighting. And when I read the description of them. It was like YES, That’s it exactly. That’s the treatment that I get from the mother in law. And that’s the treatment I get from the narcissist JW when she teams with the mother in law.

  Everything about the description of ambient abuse hit the nail on the head. I put up with it for 4 years. I’m sure that anyone subjected to ambient abuse and gaslighting for 40 years would be absolutely insane. Absolutely. No question in my mind.

  You can't fight back against batshit crazy people who refuse to validate your reality and lie to you. You have to get away from that.
• 

  jgnat

  There are some people I limit my exposure to because they are unhealthy. This, I think, is the essence of the biblical admonitions to avoid some people, not the formalized shunning of the Witnesses.

  Reverse shunning? How about self-preservation? Contain the toxicity.
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  Narcissistic Supply

  wow, jgnat, thanks for responding. I'm just venting....
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  jgnat

  I'll give an example. There's a charming old man who "misses" me at the meetings, which he shares through my husband. He carefully phrases it in context of his Witness existence, because he is supposed to limit his exposure to "worldly" influences (me).

  I, on the other hand, have no interest in the meetings.

  It's a mexican standoff.

  I'll extend an invitation to the charming old man and his wife, to dinner. If he misses me so much, he can see me out of context.
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  flipper

  I agree with JGNAT, a person doesn't have to be around people that gaslight them or are emotionally or verbally abusive. That being said- I would not reverse shun any JW I see in a store or marketplace or public place as I will not lower myself to their shunning standards. I will NOT observe WT directions to allow them to shun me. I have started conversations up with JW's sitting at Starbucks having coffee who don't even know me and placed WT child abuse news releases with them or articles about the damage of shunning by organizations.

  If I see a JW that I've known if I'm in their vicinity I will say " hi " to them in order to show them I do NOT abide by WT rules or regulations. Some seem surprised, some will acknowledge me. One JW lady works as a checker at a grocery store- I go through her line often and she stays cordial and says have a nice day- but I can see sometimes it's hard for her to force herself o be nice to me. But still- I won't play their game or lower myself to barbaric WT standards. Makes me feel better about myself and maybe I'll teach THEM something. Kinda how I see it
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  friendaroonie

  Amen bro. Im right there with you. I think ambient abuse is close to passive-agressiveness. And as for reverse shunning, thats impossible isnt it

  ? Once someone shuns you how can you shun them back? Thats what makes shunning infuriating.
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  BluesBrother

  Flipper's attitude is the correct one in my book.. I mean, if people want to shun us then we are making it easy by avoiding them. They will only say that we have something to hide, or are ashamed !

  Jesus said to keep returning good for evil.....
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  Quendi

  I’d like to respectfully disagree with my friend flipper on this subject of reverse shunning. I want nothing to do with people who would willingly shun me. They are not worth the time and effort. That doesn’t mean that I would be deliberately mean to them or otherwise mistreat them. But I do not believe in forcing my company on those who have indicated they do not want it. If they can’t see the evil shunning really is, then I don’t want their friendship. If they shun me because they are “only following orders”, then their association is equally toxic. As jgnat has said, this is a matter of self-preservation.

  The actions of JWs with respect to shunning remind me of the story of the turtle and the scorpion. A scorpion approached a turtle asking if he would ferry him across a stream. The turtle refused at first because, as he said, “You’ll sting me.” The scorpion promised not to do so because doing that would result in both the turtle and the scorpion drowning. However, after many entreaties, the turtle agreed to carry the scorpion. The scorpion mounted the turtle and together the animals took to the water. But halfway across, at the stream’s deepest point, the scorpion stung the turtle, injecting a fatal dose of poison. The turtle began to sink into the water.

  “Why did you do that?” the turtle asked. “Now we both will drown.”

  “I can’t help myself,” the scorpion replied. “It’s my nature.”

  As far as I’m concerned, JWs who shun are no better than that scorpion and should be avoided at all costs. And to answer BluesBrother, I would add that Jesus said of the Pharisees, “Let them be. Blind guides are what they are.” They will only fall into a pit. Avoiding these people isn’t repaying evil for evil. Instead it is letting them ‘reap what they sow.’

  Quendi
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  Mum

  Quendi, I usually agree with you, but I have some issues with your view this time.

  I do think there's no reason to go out of our way to see JW's or interact with them. But, if I see someone I know, JW or not, I will acknowledge them. It would be rude not to. They are the ones being a**holes, so I'm willing to be the nobler party, and to let them be seen for what they are.
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  Quendi

  You make a real good point, Mum, on this topic. My experience has been that even when I have seen Witnesses who have not been hostile, they don’t want the contact with me. I have received weak smiles from them and have returned those and other friendly gestures. But I will do no more. Witnesses I’ve encountered—with only one notable exception—won’t go any further than that.

  Does it pain me to do this? To be honest, the answer is yes. And let me add that I have gone to visit those who were especially close to me to see if there was any way we could at least have a civil relationship. There has been only one instance in which the Witness gladly received me and we were able to resume our previous friendship. In all the other cases, there has been no reciprocation despite several attempts on my part to rekindle it.

  I must say I like your notion of being the “nobler party” and that is something I will give further thought. But I still believe that relationships with many Witnesses are toxic ones. They are mentally and emotionally enslaved to the cult and no longer think objectively, empathetically or rationally. I want very little to do with people like that.

  Quendi