by Englishman 25 Replies latest jw friends
I was reading the essay in complete seriousness and did not realize the humor in it until I came to this phrase:
"British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime gastronomic pleasure available to man."
So I had to go back and read it from the beginning to get the joke.
Very funny indeed!
Don't listen to him, Yanks! "Goolies" are testicles, a quid is a pound sterling, "wellies" are wellington boots and a tosser is a wanker.
Having a wank is masturbating.
Tsk, Tsk, Tsk, Englishman !
You should be ashamed of yourself
Want to get the American Tourists in trouble ?
Hey!!! You had me going until I read 'bollocks to your mum'. I seem to remember Hugh Grant saying this phrase in a couple of movies and thought it was equivalent to the 'F' word in English. Is this correct?
I was in London last month. I thought something was amiss with the wellies, and thought that "quid" was an odd mistake to make - I was sure it was a pound, not a shilling. Then I came upon this line:
The English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people...The hoax was up, then, you tosser. I will be sure to pass this on to anyone I know going to England.
When I was in the "truth" an American brother unsteady with our round after round of pint sized beers (lager) spilt some down him and said "oh, I've wet my pants now".
After laughing for about 10 minutes we explained this could only mean one thing in our language.
Oops, I missed a bit:
The Law and You
Ignorance of the law, it is often said, is no excuse, but in England it has long been the custom to make allowances when dealing with people from different backgrounds and cultures. This was first officially recognised in the important case of Rex vs. Haddaway & Shite (1872), in which it was ruled that foreign visitors should be accorded a degree of leniency in cases in which it could be clearly shown that their transgressions were the result of ignorance rather than malice. While we would hope that none of you will ever find yourself 'before the bench', it may be useful to know that you can still invoke this principle in your defence. If at any time you feel that the judge is being unnecessarily harsh, or has failed to take into account the facts of the case as they relate to you as a foreigner, you should stand up and say loudly and clearly, 'Haddaway and Shite, your honour.' Your plea will be duly noted by the clerk of the court, and taken into account when sentence is passed.
The same formula can even be used outside the law courts; 'Haddaway and Shite, copper' is commonly used by natives and tourists alike when dealing with the police, and, delivered with a broad smile and a knowledgeable wink, can be guaranteed to defuse even the tensest of situations.
Sport
Britain has three main national sports - cricket, a variant of baseball, soccer (known in Britain as 'football') and football (known as 'rugger' or 'rugby'). Whether you go along as a player or a spectator, you will find that sport is one of the quickest ways to make friends. More popular even than 'rugger' is soccer, and there can be few better ways to spend a Saturday afternoon than on the terraces of your local soccer club. The spirit of British soccer is best described as one of 'friendly rivalry', and so ingrained is the British notion of fair play that fans will often applaud the successes of the opposing side as loudly as their own. Out of politeness, you should do the same.
While the teams making up the Football League are nominally in competition, certain sides are said to be 'twinned', either because their supporters come from the same geographical area - as in the case of Glasgow's two main teams, Celtic and Rangers - or for historical reasons - as in the case of Manchester United and Chelsea. The 'twinning' mechanism means that even if the team you support isn't playing, you can be assured of a warm welcome among the supporters of the twin team. Simply put on your usual team colours, seat yourself among the fans of your 'twin', and cheer loudly, just as you would if the side you normally support were playing. No one will think it in the least strange, and your awareness of the ancient 'twinning' bonds between the two sides will earn you immediate respect and admiration. Many firm friendships have begun in this way.
The principles of the third national sport, 'cricket', should be immediately obvious to anyone who has ever played baseball. For traditional reasons, 'cricket' players always wear white, and the game is open to anyone who turns up dressed in white (long trousers and long-sleeved shirts are customary, but shorts and T-shirt will do at a pinch). There is no limit on the number of people who may join in, and no prior arrangement is necessary. Cricket is played with a light foam rubber ball, about the same size and weight as a softball; the helmet and pads worn by some cricket players are purely decorative, and as a foreigner you will not be expected to wear them.
End.
Englishman.
Englishman,
I really enjoy your essays and I wish I could offer as much help to UK tourists visiting the States. I have only come up with a few helpful hints. I hope you appreciate them. First of all, the best place to start your visit is in a small town in one of the southern states. Drive around town until you find a bar with a lot of pick up trucks parked out front, preferabley trucks with gun racks on the back of the cab. Go inside and buy some cigarettes. This is best done by asking the bar tender, "do you sell fags here?". Next, yell out in a loud voice, "I love all you Yanks." You will be an immediate hit.
In the south, alot of the women wear denim jackets. These jackets are known as beavers, so if you see a woman in the bar with a denim jacket on, be sure to say, "mam, I really like your beaver." The men will immediately reward your charming ways.
Well, Englishman, that is all I can think of for now. I hope this is of help to you and other prospective visitors.
"Shame on you, E. I can already see poor Lilacs standing in the station, holding her hair and looking out for gappes."
Comf, are you trying to say I believed that? I do understand humor you know and could tell it was a joke
I don't want someone in my life I can live with. I want someone in my life I can't live without.
You're a wag, Eman!
Be kind to the Yanks, won't ya?
Remember your son's coming to Oz. Shall we tell ya some stories about the outback?
Cheers,
Ozzie
