Tea Party with a Cultist

by jgnat 13 Replies latest jw friends

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  jgnat

  First off, Americans, I'm not talking the Boston Tea Party, here.

  

  Think more along the lines of the Mad Hatter's tea party.

  I was imagining the different approach we take talking our loved-ones, depending on whether they are in their cult mode or natural mode. I've said often enough, address the natural person, and keep the cultist calm. It can be distressing, for instance, for a daughter to watch her natural mother subside in to the background, to be replaced by this plastic stranger. How can the daughter keep the pretense going that she is even comfortable around the replacement?

  Imagine you are going to a tea party.

  

  

  The manners, conventions, and behavior are all laid out ahead of time. You know the role you are to play. Keep the conversation in bounds with convention, and nod politely. Give no sign to the cultist that you aren't perfectly happy sitting there sipping tea. If you're not sure what this is supposed to look like, look at the plastic families profiled in the magazines, or a role-play demonstrated at a midweek meeting. If you are offered doctored kool-aid, politely refuse.

  Take comfort that there will be another day when you can conjure forth your loved-one again, by reminding them of everything that makes them special and unique.
• 

  FlierMate

  24hours Christian will be more natural, I think.
• 

  jgnat

  Fliermate, those who are trying to be Christian 24 hours a day, in my experience, try too hard to "make it all joy". If one never gets sad or angry, is that natural?
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  Faithful Witness

  Thank you for this reminder, jgnat. My intellectual mind understands the concept. It will be interesting to see who shows up at our tea party tomorrow.

  Do we expect or coach our children to model these same behaviors?
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  jgnat

  Thanks, Faithful Witness. I was wondering if this thread had any legs.
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  Faithful Witness

  It does, in my opinion. it is hard to imagine a visit with someone you've known and loved your whole life, to go like this...

  But it does help to be reminded that she is not the same person anymore. I appreciate the insight, even though it will be very difficult to act outside my natural self, with the one who raised me to be this way.
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  carla

  I must disagree on one point jgnat, I for one, cannot and willnot sit idly by if my jw tries to spout his jw nonsense at a dinner while he attempts to convert people. I will bring up the craziest thing I can think of in dubland if he tries. He now knows this and does not attempt to convert people in my presence.

  I don't think his jwism is even up for discussion at a 'tea party'. 'Tea party' conversation should be light, polite and enjoyable not gloom and doom.

  You may disagree but it actually keeps him in his more authentic self mode more often. His jwism is for when he is with the jw's not with family and friends. This did take quite sometime to get to this point though. We also have no social contact with jw's so that helps. We get the real him and they can have the jw him. wow, did I just write that? 2 him's? yeah, life with a jw........
• 

  jgnat

  Hi, carla. I will shut hubby down on occassion. I pick my moments. When he comes back flush from a meeting all cult-like, I might deflect him with humour. This comes from knowing his natural self is most comfortable with that. If he goes on a full-on Witness rant, however, I am the reed in the wind and I let it blow over without responding. He might finish off with a comment about what I really think. See, he knows.

  I'm thinking of people like Faithful Witness, visiting with her mom out of town shortly after the Big Meeting. This would not be the time, for instance, to confront or make ultimatums. The mom would most likely be inclined to get more cult-y than less. Give her a few weeks to allow the Big Meeting flush to wear off, and the daughter can more easily tbring out the natural mom.

  It is also very distressing for a child to see their parent disappear before their very eyes. This happened to me, though for different reasons. I had to reconcile the difference in the relationship and when I did, time with my mom is far less strained. She's the loser, of course, but I have my sanity.
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  carla

  Oh right, in a case with ex jw (or secretly appostate) and current jw's I would not suggest my tacticts. In our life we have no contact with jw's so it is easier.

  I would also agree that trying to talk to a jw after a jw meeting is futile. If there has been an assembly or other long weekend thing you might as well give up talking to a jw about God or Bible for a few weeks until the effects wear off a bit.

  The few times I have actually been in the presence of other jw's not once have they asked me to go to a kh or do a 'study', nothing! I guess my reputation preceeds me. I like it that way
• 

  jgnat

  I am told that I am "missed". Funny, I'm not missed enough for them to socialize.