Well, here's my story... Like it or not.

staceman

Wow... I feel guilty about even being here, let alone posting my story. But here goes...
It was back in the late 60's that my dad (actually stepdad who adopted me and my older sister when he married our mother) got witnessed to by a guy that he worked with. He was invited to our house for dinner along with his wife and that was the beginning of my new life. I often wonder as do with my sisters how different things may have been if that dinner never happened... But we will never know.
I was 8 years old, my sister was 13.
Both of my parents were baptized in 1969 and I was baptized in 1974 at the age of 13. I was a very good kid and always wanted my parents to be proud of me so I did everything I could do to please them. Being baptized was one of them. My dad was so proud. It HAD to be the right thing to do! My parents had two more kids, both girls.
My mother was a heavy drinker, unbenounced to the brothers and sisters, and on more than one occasion nearly killed us while driving drunk.
My dad progressed to being an elder and a very devoted one at that. (Despite the drinking problem my mom had, only because she hid it so well.) He made himself available to the brothers whenever he could and never really could say "no" to anything that was asked of him. He truly loved Jehovah and wanted to do all he could. But his family really suffered. Many nights my mom was home alone with us kids, drinking very heavily. And she was an angry drinker which made all of us kids eager to leave home as soon as we could.
Well, my older sister was disfellowshipped and left home. I was disfellowshipped for fornication and I left home. As a result, the girl I was "with" (who was also a Witness) got pregnant. I struggled with what to do. Being barely 17, I really didn't have a clue. I couldn't marry her without my parents permission and my dad certainly wouldn't give it to me! That is unless I started on the road back to the Truth.
Well, the girl (who was two years older than I) and I decided that the Truth was the only way to go and we made the effort to get back in. This was tough because one of the stipulations for us was that we could not see each other. What to do!!??
Well, finally my dad decided to give us his permission to get married and so we did, in a courtroom by a judge. Me 17, her 19 and 9 months pregnant.
We had a son, and we both got reinstated. We were never real strong in the truth but we were regular in the service. In 1982 we moved to Iowa and became part of a real good congregation. We still didn't really progress much, but we stayed active. We made some very good friends there and I was always encouraged to reach out. I just wanted to party...
The next year, my wife unexpectedly got pregnant and we had a daughter. The year after that my mother was disfellowshipped and my parents divorced. She left home and married some guy and we shunned her and eventually lost track of what state she lived in. (I need to insert here somewhere what my younger 2 half-sisters endured living at home with a drunk mother who did some things to them that to this day they won't even talk about.)
My family limped along in the truth until 1989 when we decided to move back to the Twin cities. Again we found a very nice congregation with some very nice people. Again I was encouraged to reach out but this time I took it to heart. I progressed to the point of becoming a Ministerial Servant. I was SO proud. One of the hardest things for me was to speak in front of people, but with Jehovah's help I felt that I could do it. And he did help me and I still love Him for that. I had (and still do for that matter) VERY low self-esteem and a feeling of worthlessness. Not sure why, but I think it was something engrained in me as a child. I was just not worthy, no matter what I did. But now, I was in a position to really help others. I felt that I really could too because I knew where a lot of them were coming from. And a LOT of the brothers and sisters did come to me. Then a couple of years later, I became an elder. Oh My, was my dad going to be proud of me now!!! I became the Theocratic Ministry School overseer and I conducted a book study in my home. Everything was great...
I served on a few committee's which was very tough. One brother in our Hall had a drinking problem and had it for a very long time. It was well known in the congregation and the body felt that something had to be done to help him... We really tried to do everything we could to help this brother (who I loved dearly and still do) but alcoholism had a grip on him as it did my mother. We had to disfellowship him. He appealed the decision which just cut at my heart thinking that we may have made the wrong decision. But the appeal committee agreed with us and he was disfellowshipped. He eventually was reinstated alcohol free and I am SO proud of him. His son even asked me to perform his wedding, which was a highlight of my years as an elder. (choking down some tears...)
In September of 1998 the company I worked for suddenly closed leaving me unemployed! Looking back, this was the beginning of the end of a lot of things for me. We were broke. We had two kids, a mortgage, my wife worked part-time and we really had lived from check to check so had no savings to speak of. We had been in a car accident in May of that year which ruined my back and made it very difficult for me to find another job in a field that required a good back. My wife was slipping into a serious depression. I was fighting it back myself, but I had to be stong for her and the congregation.
The brothers and sisters tried to be encouraging and would tell us that Jehovah provides and that something would come along. One couple gave us a card with $200.00 in it which was much appreciated but so little so late. I decided to go back to school to learn a new career and studied to become a Microsoft Engineer. The week that I received my last unemployment check, I was hired as a network technician with a small company that employed mostly women. I thanked Jehovah for providing the job and still don't doubt that His hand was helping me. Two years later, in the spring of 2000 (this is very hard for me to put down in writing!) I was losing it. I didn't want to be an elder anymore! I was at meeting for all the elders of the circuit (must have been about 150)and I never felt so alone in all my life. I just sat there looking around at all these brothers and had no one to talk to. And no one came up to me to talk to me. I was very depressed and didn't want to admit it. As a perfectionist, it just wasn't acceptable.
Two months later, I stepped down from being an elder. I fell out of love with my wife of 23 years. I had no friends. I really didn't want to live anymore. I wasn't happy and realized that I had not been happy in a very long time, if ever!!
I went out with some friends from work on a Friday night (something I knew that I wasn't supposed to do) and I had a really good time. One young lady, (a divorced mother of one)was really showing interest in me. I just soaked it in!! I was disfellowshipped 8 months later.
I have been divorced now for almost a year. I haven't attended a meeting in a year and a half except for the memorials. I haven't spoken with my dad in over a year and a half. I haven't spoken to my son in a year and a half. He and his wife had a baby about a year ago whom I haven't seen yet except for pictures. I am now engaged to a wonderful lady with a wonderful 3 year old daughter, but she still doesn't quite understand everything about me and my past. She doesn't understand why I am very quiet at times. I've lost all my friends, I've lost my kids, I've lost my dad who I spent most of my life trying to make proud. I have a feeling of total worthlessness. I HAVE gained a mother and an older sister who are still struggling with the same feelings as I.
But here is the deal. I still love Jehovah. I still love the people in his organization. I still feel that they have the truth. But I really don't want to live. I've tried ending my life twice but failed. I've had to attend some serious counseling which helped very little. So, now I live to make my future wife's life better along with her daughter for whatever time that is left before the Great Day of Jehovah. My fiancee' is NOT interested in any religion and would never want to be a part of Jehovah's organization. I've told her that I would never want to go to another church and she is fine with that because she has no desire either. We love each other very much and are planning on getting married in the fall.
I feel that I AM ending my life, just a lot slower and at the same time providing some happiness for someone else along the way. I know that this sounds very stupid to a lot of you, but that is it...
I'm not sure why I wrote this, but I appreciate that any of you took the time to read this. I hope you don't feel that it was a waste of your time...
I'd be glad to hear any of your comments though so feel free to write...
Thanks
Staceman

dungbeetle

If you are feeling fragile and endangered ick up a phone and CALL someobody RIGHT now. There are some Suicide threads on this board, I will get links as soon as I can find them. But you have to CALL someone. You have to SEE someone.

You've made the fist move...but don't stop now. My email is open and I will call you if you would like.

staceman

Dungbeetle..
No, I'm not feeling fragile or endangered right now. I'm ok...
I should've mentioned that the attempts on my life were last fall and I won't try that again. I want to make the lives of a couple of people in particular as happy as I can and I can't do that if I'm not here.
Thanks so much for your reply though....

Matty

I feel so touched by your story, it kinda put my petty whinges into perspective.

Just think of this area as your support group. It's a little different - it's a hospital run by the patients!

Love
Matthew

staceman

Thanks Matthew.... Much appreciated....

lv4fer

I use to think it was the truth, Read the bible... Read the whole chapter of John, & Romans. Eph 2:8&9. Pray to let the real truth come into your heart and mind. You will feel soooo relieved. I've never knows so many depressed people as I have in the organization. I swear to you I've never known so many people on Prozac, Xanax etc. They read the scriptures to you like when Jesus said Take my yoke upon you for my Load is Light, I never really understood what he meant, when your a witness you don't feel like it is a light load. At least I never did. Above all PRAY.

"The reward for conformity was that everyone liked you except yourself."

Rita Mae Brown

target

Staceman:
You say you are a perfectionist. You are using the WTS yardstick to measure wothiness. No wonder you are depressed. A whole lot of us have been there, done that.
You need to do a lot of reading here. You will find that the WTS yardstick is designed to keep you feeling that you are not good enough and you have to do more, more, more....
As you do your research here, you will find that things are not as you thought they were. It will change the way you feel about a lot of things, including yourself. Your journey has just begun...

Target

SumnerSloan

Staceman: Have you ever been to an ACOA meeting (Adult Children of Alcoholis)? If not, I would highly recommend it -- ASAP. You will discover your self-esteem problems are not unique to you, but quite the NORM for kids raised in alcoholic households. It should be a real eye-opener to you to hear hundreds of others expressing the same feelings you have here. I wish you the best. SS

staceman

Thank you all for your comments...
I have never attended a ACOA meeting, but I'm sure it would be helpful. I will look into it.....
Thanks again!!

SoulJah

BE SURE TO READ RAY FRANZ' BOOKS; "CRISIS OF CONSCIENCE" & "IN SEARCH OF CHRISTIAN FREEDOM". Those should make you feel much better & less guilty about worshiping Jehovah without the help of an earthly orginization!

One day we'll all be together,until then I'm ready for whatever
---Tupac Shakur

Well, here's my story... Like it or not.

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