Tell us a little about yourself and your family.
I live with my partner in Cleveland, Ohio. I'm the third of 6 children.
Were you a born in or a convert?
My mother converted when I was very young, about 7 or 8 years old.
Are your parents / family JWs?
My brother and two sisters are JWs. I had a third sister that was a Witness but she died. My fourth sister is Catholic.
How many generations have been JWs?
Just my mother and some of her children.
Did you hold any position in the WTS? (MS, Elder etc...)
MS and pioneer
Did you *really* believe in the bible, in spirits (angels, demons)?
Yes
Did you get baptised? When and why?
Yes. When I was about 20 years old. I wanted a relationship with God. I wanted to live forever on a paradise earth.
What was the initial trigger that made you start questioning things?
What made me start questioning was that I could never "put on the new personality". I felt that no matter how hard I prayed or tried I could never change my personality to conform to what was expected of me. I felt forsaken by God. I truly felt that I didn't have his holy spirit.
Where did you find information? Internet sites? Books?
I never looked for any type of information during that time.
How difficult or painful was the process of leaving?
The most painful part was feeling that Jehovah had forsaken me. I couldn't change and I couldn't endure. I just gave up. This was in my late 20's by then.
Was it a big dramatic exit or a careful quiet fade?
I was very depressed and confused at this time. I was very bitter toward Jehovah and the organization. I spoke about my feelings with some of my closer friends. Eventually this got back to the elders and I was disfellowshipped. They asked me if I thought the Governing Body was Jehovah's representatives on earth and I said no.
Did you convince anyone else to leave with you?
I didn't try to convince anyone but my mother left at the same time I did. She was smarter though. She just faded and was never disfellowshipped.
How were your family relations affected by your decision?
My sisters and brother started immediately shunning me. My mother asked me if I wanted her to shun me and I said 'of course not!'. She never shunned me. Thankfully, my father stayed Catholic.
Were you or are you still being shunned by those who didn't leave?
Yes
How long have you now been out?
18 years
Was there anything you looked forward to doing when you left?
Not really
What are you most proud of achieving since you left?
I'm just living a quiet life...
Is there anything you miss about life in the congregation?
I miss being part of something greater than myself. I miss having a glimmer of hope that I might see a paradise earth some day. I miss thinking that I was never going to have to grow old and die.
Red pill or blue pill? Do you regret waking up to reality at all?
I haven't woken up to reality yet. What is reality? Does anyone know? I don't claim to know the truth of what's going on at all. Evolution, creation, reincarnation, it's all how you interpret the evidence. A man much smarter than me once wrote:
"An atheist is someone who is certain that God does not exist, someone who has compelling evidence against the existence of God. I know of no such compelling evidence. Because God can be relegated to remote times and places and to ultimate causes, we would have to know a great deal more about the universe than we do now to be sure that no such God exists. To be certain of the existence of God and to be certain of the nonexistence of God seem to me to be the confident extremes in a subject so riddled with doubt and uncertainty as to inspire very little confidence indeed." - Carl Sagan
I agree with that.
Did you become an atheist or transfer your faith elsewhere?
I have many theories regarding the ultimate reality but can't prove anything. I still want to believe in God though.
How do you now feel about religion in general?
Ambivalent
Do you feel any guilt celebrating xmas or birthdays or doing any other JW "no-no"s?
A little
Have you attended any face-to-face meetups of ex-JWs?
Yes. It was great.
Describe your circle of friends - mostly other ex-JWs or regular people?
I have a small circle of close friends. People who were never JWs.
Do you tell people about your JW past?
Yes. It's part of who I am.
Do you feel animosity or pity toward current JWs?
I still feel strong emotions but not animosity or pity.
How do you respond to witnesses when they call at your door?
They only came once while I was home. It was someone that didn't know me. I took the magazines and ripped them up right in front of her. Not my proudest moment. I don't know why I did it. I was just overcome with all the anger and hurt from years ago. It all resurfaced at that moment.
Storm the barricades or tend to the wounded? (do you favor activism or support)
I don't favor doing anything. If I had something better to offer than the hope they have then it would be different. But I don't.
What do you think is the most effective approach to reaching people still in?
I don't want to get involved doing that. Everyone can make their own decision. If someone has questions, they're just a Google search away from all the information in the world.
Do you think the WTS can or should be destroyed, will continue on as-is or grow / change?
I'm just observing what's happening. I really feel that if Jehovah's Witnesses are God's organization then there is nothing you can do to stop it. If it's not, it doesn't matter any way. Either way, I don't want to do anything about it.
How has your life been impacted by your JW past?
Of course. I think for most people, once you're a Witness, your brain is permanently rewired. You can't unring the bell.
Are there things in your life you blame the WTS for?
I'm trying not to think that way. I want to take responsibility for my life and my happiness.
JW upbringing - a protection or a curse?
I suppose it depends. Everyone is different. I'd have to say for me it has been a curse. But then again, there is no "control" experiment to see how things would have turned out had I never heard of the Witnesses.
How do you fill your time now it's not filled with meetings and field service?
I'm an artist and a business owner. I own two art galleries in Cleveland so I'm busy with work. Also, my parents are getting up in years. I'm glad I have time to spend time with them and help them around their house. I keep thinking how I would never have time to really spend time with my parents and properly help them if I had to attend all those meetings and "get my time in". I'm grateful for that.
Do you still have an interest in JW beliefs and doctrines?
very much so.
How much of your time is still spent on JW related matters?
Too much. I really have to let it go.
What do you think of the ex-JW community?
It's nice that we're finally able to speak our mind with being reported to the elders.
Do you see yourself still being associated with the ex-JW community in 5 or 10 years time?
I don't know. That's a long time away.
Do you fear the future?
Sometimes. However, I'm working to adopt the attitude that Steve Jobs had. He said:
“Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”
What advice would you give to anyone starting the journey of leaving the WTS?
Do a fade... don't get disfellowshipped.
What would you change in your life if you could go back and talk to yourself?
Same as above. Just do a fade. Be more discreet. If you're beginning to doubt, don't tell anyone in the congregation. You'll just start a witch hunt. Being shunned is painful. It still is. If you fade, you won't have as many awkward situations later.
Do you have any regrets about life since you left?
Of course. The older I get, the more regrets I have.
Can we read your life-story anywhere? (links to online or books)
Not yet.
Want to share your own story? Please use the Interview with an Apostate: Template and post it in the Personal Experiences & Reunions section with the title "Interview with an Apostate: [your name or alias]"