People, I'm still living in fear.

by Julia Orwell 32 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  Julia Orwell

  I'm not da or df and for some reason I can't bring myself to da just yet. But I'm living in terror. Today it something came up that reminded me. I have a page on FB, let's call it XYZ Art. I unfriended all the remaining JWs who were on my regular page, but forgot to cross them of XYZ Art. So I puts a status up about doing a Christmas art piece, and how I never used to be able to because I was in a cult.

  Well, a JW texts me to ask me if it was my page. I didn't know who it was so just said Yes without thinking, and afterwards the terror gripped me. There in Black and White I had said "yes" to Christmas and that I had been in a cult. And that I recognised that number. My blood froze. But, I decided to play dumb and asked her why she asked.

  She said maybe someone had hacked my page because of the Xmas and cult reference. I'll give her this, rather than running to the elders straight away she came to me first. Credit to her. So I said I haven't been on it and would have a look. Then I went to the damn page and deleted that sucker pronto. Now there's no evidence I ever wrote that.

  But the terror, oh people, the terror! The fear of a JC was so rank my blood churned and that old JW anxiety gripped my throat and my mind filled with expletives. Even now I'm out of the woods, and have gone and dropped all JWs off XYZ Art, I'm tense. I'm anxious. I'm in a tizzy. I'm breathin' funny.

  I want to just da and get it over with. I don't want to write a big fancy letter with all the historical and scriptural reasons why the WT is bunk, I just wanna say, "I'm not going to be lied to anymore. Do some research. It's a cult. It's like North Korea. I want officially out of your organisation because it's just about fear mongering, guilt tripping, lies, and Pharisaic rules and control. "The Truth" is lies, and the Organisation doesn't want you to find out. Well, I did, and I'm out.

  I'm not bitter; but I am angry I was lied to. I feel like an idiot that it took me 15 years to work out the true character of this cold, crushing organisation. But I shouldn't be so hard on myself, because you reading this have been trapped far longer, which is a testament to just how good they are at misleading people."

  Rant over.

  xox

  Julia
• 

  Xanthippe

  If I remember rightly you don't have any relatives still in Julia, why don't you just send them a one line DA letter saying you no longer want to be a JW like I did, then it's over. They didn't come knocking when my husband and I sent that letter in.
• 

  Julia Orwell

  Really? Well then I could say whatever I liked without fear. I wouldn't have to censor what I write on Facebook or anywhere else for that matter. I still have stab of fear when I see a car pull up in our street, or the guy from the dealership nearby who wears a tie walk past...oh dear.

  I have no JW relatives to stay associated for. My husband probably wouldn't da because he's not sure what he believes anymore, but I sure as hell want a clean break from these jerks.
• 

  Billy the Ex-Bethelite

  So, send them a letter like I might someday...

  Dear Members of XYZ Congregation,

  I'm disfellowshipping all of you for conduct unbecoming a Christian.

  Billy
• 

  Xanthippe

  Yes really. We were shunned in the street and by all of my family but it was over. No one bothered us and we got on with our lives.
• 

  AgentSmith

  You are not the only one who feel fear when dealing with JW's. I know how they gossip, And its a certainty that I am discussed at length with much muttering and headshaking...."How is it possible? He was such a good elder's son. He was going to be an elder! Tsk Tsk. Mutter mutter."

  I did not DA, and I did not go to any JC. They lied to me, and therefore have no authority.

  You are not obligated to do anything, except leave. The anger and feelings of fear, regret and pain, it will get better. Just give it some time.

  Quote from Colin Powell " It aint as bad as you think. It will look beter in the morning"
• 

  Daniel1555

  Dear Julia

  I can understand your feelings. From all your comments I can see that you actually want to da. Then just do it and live how your conscience is telling you. Then you don't have to hide anymore which will be good for your health.

  All the best.

  Daniel
• 

  Julia Orwell

  Indeed I do. I just wanna be me. And if that means putting something Christmas on my Art page and telling all and sundry I was in a cult, then so be it.
• 

  WinstonSmith

  Hello Julia,

  I know how you feel, and know what you mean. And this is exactly why I chose to DA in the end, even after a pretty successful fade. People have said to me "why that is playing by their rules" etc, but my decision was about me, and no-one else. For me to be free in my own mind I had to do it otherwise, to me I would not be offiically out. I wouldn't be able to post about birthdays, or Christmas or hang out with people who are DF'd and do whatever I wanted without thinking someones gonna read this or see that and dob me in. I wrote a DA letter to free my mind of the shackles. If you have no family in apart from hubby then really what have you got to lose? Some people look at you and turn their nose up as they walk by you in the supermarket? So what, anyone who dumps you like that was not your friend in the first place and you will be better off without them in your life. It hurst and it is not easy, but it most certainly does get easier.

  You don't have to write a big fancy letter, to be honest (I know from experience being elder) if you have been missing meetings, and they get a letter from you, all they look for is that part that says "I don't want to be a JW" coz they don't care about your reasons - gotta follow the rule book.

  If you do it, keep it short, and if you want to stick it to them on a particular point, do it nicely. Don't give them anything that backs up the "frothing psychotic apostate" picture that the GB paints for them.

  I have pasted my letter below. I sent it off and heard nothing until a week or so later when I got a one line email from the COBE saying "We acknowledge your letter and have destroyed your records as requested." No attempt to save me, or stop me, or talk it over. Ahhh such love and concern.

  Here is the hard truth that every JW needs to know: No matter what they say, they do not care about you at all. They will probably even be relieved that you are out of their hair. Trust me on this as an ex-elder. I am ashamed to say it.

  Whatever you choose to do, do it with full confidence knowing that every day that passes takes your further from this mind controlling, family destroying cult, and for that reason, you will be better off.

  To the Body of Elders,

  This letter is to advise you that I, <Winston Smith>, no longer consider myself to be a member of the religion “Jehovah’s Witnesses” and to request that you destroy any records that you hold on me.

  This religion was assumed from an early age, however now as a mature adult I have compared the doctrines and policies of “Jehovah’s Witnesses” with the contents of the bible and can see a vast difference. My personal beliefs and the doctrines and policies of “Jehovah’s Witnesses” no longer align. For many decades now the Governing Body have claimed to represent Jesus, and in that position have either predicted dates for the end of the world, or dangled the thought of it being “soon” yet Jesus was very clear in his words at Luke 21:8:

  “He said: “Look out that YOU are not misled; for many will come on the basis of my name, saying, ‘I am he,’ and, ‘The due time has approached.’ Do not go after them.” - NWT

  I hope that our friendships will transcend the difference in our beliefs, however I know - despite there being no sound scriptural reasoning for it - the Governing Body requires that no contact be maintained, even on a social level. This is of course ironic given that the July 2009 Awake on page 29 states:

  “No one should be forced to worship in a way that he finds unacceptable or be made to choose between his beliefs and his family.”

  It would appear that what is printed in the magazines, and the behind closed doors policy of the organisation differs markedly. This is but one of the many issues I have with the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society, along with its policies that allow the committing and cover up of sexual abuse against children.

  <Mrs Smith> is a loving wife and amazing woman and as such she understands and supports my decision. I alone am disassociating.

  I do not wish to be contacted with regards to the contents of this letter except for it to be confirmed by email that you have received the letter, and have destroyed my records.

  We may no longer be sharers of the same faith, but as far as I am concerned we will always be friends.

  Yours sincerely,

  Winston Smith

  <email address>

  I sent it, and then we went out and got some ice cream.

  Take care Julia, and feel free to PM me if you want to chat.
• 

  Julia Orwell

  Thanks Winston, and that is a nice letter. I may use it as a model to structure my own one day.