Were you a born in or a convert?
I began studying with a pioneer sister when I was 20 years old, my life had just gone to total sh*t (my husband had recently left me, was all alone with our young babies, and was very depressed). "The Truth" sounded so wonderful, the JWs were so helpful, kind and supportive. Uh huh.
Are your parents / family JWs?
No, thank god. Just me.
How many generations have been JWs?
Just me, thank goodness my children (now grown up) don't want anything to do with the religion.
Did you hold any position in the WTS? (MS, Elder etc...)
Hahaha, no, I was a lowly female. Lowlier than most as I was a single parent for quite awhile.
Did you *really* believe in the bible, in spirits (angels, demons)?
Oh yes, absolutely. I believed ALL of it. I totally believed everything, felt it was an answer to a prayer. Was embarrassingly zealous and naive and was a totally over-the-top, strict, self-righteous and judgmental (though I didn't see myself that way at the time) good little JW.
Did you get baptised? When and why?
Of course! Baptized in 1988. (I was totally deluded for over 25 years.) I really felt like I was really dedicating myself to God to do his will. I studied for quite awhile, almost two years because the pioneer sister liked to do *lots* of research, our studies would last HOURS, into the late hours of the night and sometimes wee hours of the morning. At the time, it was thrilling and exciting, and I felt like I was really learning "the deep things of God" and all that. *sigh*
What was the initial trigger that made you start questioning things?
Well, there were little things at first. After I got baptized, it was then that I really noticed the little cliques and groups and congregation "super-stars"… the perfect families that always had the meeting parts and convention parts… I saw how my little family was always kept on the sidelines (being a single parent really makes you excluded from many things!)
I saw how my little children's hands were ignored during the WT study, and more popular kids and people were asked to answer. When I finally mustered up the courage to ask the elder (who I totally believed were the "stars in God's hands", the future princes of all the earth, the "glorious ones", equivalent to Moses, so I really thought I was the equivalent of Miriam when she spoke against Moses, yet I couldn't keep seeing my little children's hearts broken over and over again when they kept being over-looked to answer! So when I finally asked this elder why he never asked my children for their comments, he said: "When I ask extra questions, it's because I'm looking for a specific answer and I look for people who can give that sort of answer. It's for the benefit of all the congregation."
There were many more things over the years. Being counselled about taking my children in field service without having made arrangements before-hand. Being counselled for having a bra-strap showing (on a very hot summer day). Being counselled about wearing a slipper to the KH after I had a foot injury. (They actually made this a local-needs part about proper foot-wear and having respect for the Jehovah's house of worship. It wasn't even a fluffy type of slipper, just a moccasin sort of thing. Still not good enough…)
When they changed the masthead thing in the Awake magazine to not mention 1914 anymore, I remember there was a big to-do in the congregation, lots of whispering and MS's clustering together to talk about it, but then I saw their guilty faces and hushed comments and even confusion on their faces. It frightened me at the time, and I quickly buried and suppressed any "doubts" or stumbling thoughts about this.
The District Conventions started to bother me. I realize they need to speak more slowly because of the large space and loud-speaker feedback, but after awhile, the brothers sounded so phoney and insincere. "Brothers and Sisters, are we not happy to be blessed with such a spiritual paradise? Where else can we find such living waters of truth…? Do you not agree that we have the best education in the world? Are we not taught by Jehovah himself through his organization today?" (insert grand gestures from the platform, as the speaker holds out his arms in a welcoming gesture and waits for applause…) It made me feel like that Pharisee who prayed how thankful he was to not be like the sinners around him…
But again, any doubts or questions were always submerged… I still believed it all, believed the doctrines & teachings TOTALLY. I realized people were imperfect, that there would be nowhere else with such "truths" and that I just had to "wait on Jehovah"…
And then there was an occasion where I was asked to do a part on one of the Circuit Assemblies. I felt so blessed, so special, so privileged -- like Jehovah was really blessing me and blessing all my trials and hardships through the years of being a single parent, and how my experience could be used to help encourage others…. But then, when we rehearsed it at the Assembly Hall, the DO changed it all. The experience ended up being nothing like mine or what I had gone through. He said he wanted to do it that way because it would help "more" people in the circuit, based on various needs of the circuit. So it was like a "conglomerate experience" which would apply to more people and thus have larger impact and benefit. I actually went along with it, though on the stage, I felt like such a LIAR. There I was, just acting out a part, and it didn't even apply to my situation anymore. And some JWs (who didn't know me) came up to me, telling me how encouraged they were by my example and the JWs who did know me were confused and asked me why I changed my experience… When I tried to tell them the District Overseer thought it would benefit more people to use a different experience (and even a different number of children that I had!!) they just looked confused and couldn't understand why I would even be asked to do the part if it didn't apply to my own personal situation. Many people thought I was lying and avoided me after that. ("She lied on stage…")
And then the blood fraction thing came along, and that really made no sense to me. All those years, I was ready to die for that faithful stand against blood -- yes, I was one of those ones who would have sacrificed their own dear child if a blood issue had arisen (the thought makes me sick now! Thank god such a situation never came up!!)
So when the blood fraction thing came along, it really threw me because it just seemed so wrong. If blood is so wrong, how can it be okay to accept fractions?? If you can't even use YOUR OWN BLOOD, because it isn't acceptable to STORE IT, how can it be okay to use FRACTIONS of blood that had been STORED and donated by hundreds of different people?? How could that even be a "conscience matter"????
So all these things built up, and built up… eek, sorry, had no idea this was going to turn into a novel!! but haha, to finally answer your question about what was the final trigger… it was their sick, twisted, nightmarish publication, "MY BOOK OF BIBLE STUDIES". After all these years, I still believed this was the truth, and I wanted to give this book to my little grandchildren, who were being raised "so worldly" <--- thank god!!
But when I began looking through this book, it was like I could finally see it through their little eyes (have you ever looked at this book lately?? Horrifying!! Shocking and brutal, and even more so when you think that it is supposed to be used for little children who can't even read yet!! It can be downloaded from jw.org, it's a right horror-show! Such a pity that I didn't see it that way when my own children were little! My poor babies! :(
When I looked at this book and the terrible pictures, I wondered, who could put out such a book for little children? Then I realized it was of course, the Governing Body, most of whom don't even have children of their own!!! This was my first startling "revelation" -- my first intellectual lightening bolt -- the first real disloyal thought in my head against the GB and their "wisdom". It made me wonder how they could put out such a terrifying book and expect little children to draw close to God and love him.
When I began questioning the wisdom of the GB, everything else came tumbling down. It really is like a house of cards…. I began visiting websites and reading books… (to be answered in the next question!) :)
Where did you find information? Internet sites? Books?
One of the first sites I visited was this one, and freeminds. I then began reading and reading, and read CoC, which really confirmed it all for me. I read CoC with tears pouring down my face. Felt utterly betrayed and then felt like such a fool for believing it all for so long….
How difficult or painful was the process of leaving?
Other than the utter feelings of betrayal and heartbreak at discovering you've been lied to for DECADES, leaving was fairly easy, as thankfully my children did not stay in the org, so a FADE worked quite well and quickly.
Did you convince anyone else to leave with you?
Thank goodness I was able to carefully talk with my JW husband (yes, met a wonderful brother who loved me and my kids and we have been very happy).
He had been very sporadic in his meeting attendance (was always too tired after work, but later confided to me that he felt like he was on a treadmill that never stopped and kept demanding more and more and made you feel like you were never good enough!) Anyway, at first he listened to me very cautiously (and I never knew he had those feelings, because of course you can't confide in the person who is closer to you than anybody else!) but he even let me read parts of CoC to him and I even showed him a few websites, like jwfacts, and the UN membership thing, Rutherford's house in California, his cadillacs, etc., and he said, "No wonder they don't want anybody looking up things on the internet or anything about their past!!" And he's totally out of it too. Calls them popes and Pharisees!
How were your family relations affected by your decision?
It has TOTALLY IMPROVED our relations with our own family. Because we can now COMMUNICATE HONESTLY and OPENLY and we are free to be whoever we want to be and allow each other that freedom as well. It is GLORIOUS.
Were you or are you still being shunned by those who didn't leave?
Oh yes, those super strict JWs (like I used to be!!) don't want much to do with us when they see us, despite us not being DA'd or DF'd. But we don't care.
How long have you now been out?
About 2 years now! :)
Was there anything you looked forward to doing when you left?
I feel like we've been REBORN, that there is a world out there that is full of wonder, beauty, excitement, discovery, fun, adventure, work, yes, drudgery too as always, but the FREEDOM TO CHOOSE, the freedom without judgment, the freedom which really is awesome now because you really see that freedom brings responsibility, proper, self-directed and self-imposed responsibility, not something which is dictated to you outside yourself. It's been such an incredible process and awakening.
What are you most proud of achieving since you left?
Feeling closer to our children, feeling more accepting of their choices and their LIFE. Before, it was all judgment, all judgment… not appreciating their beautiful and so wonderful personalities and interests… it breaks my heart to think about it too much…. the way they were so stifled growing up…
Is there anything you miss about life in the congregation?
Hm. There was actually a day about a month ago or so when I realized that while I was a JW and really believed the whole thing, that I just had that "certainty" about life, all the questions are answered, you felt like you had such a purpose, and now there's a bit of a drifty, "what-the-hell-do-I-do-now" feeling….
Red pill or blue pill? Do you regret waking up to reality at all?
NO! No regrets. I am thankful that our family is now closer and more connected and we can really talk and share things and discuss things, even POLITICS, lol!!! (I have so much to learn!!)
Did you become an atheist or transfer your faith elsewhere?
Right now am bordering heavily on agnostic… but I'd still prefer to believe that there is "something", some universal something that wouldn't have me or my dear family disappearing into a poof or mist and gone forever…
How do you now feel about religion in general?
Bah!!! I admire the charity and good works they do, but the doctrines, the control, the judgments against others… all that extra, man-made ,over-the-top, going-beyond stuff I absolutely ABHOR now.
Do you feel any guilt celebrating xmas or birthdays or doing any other JW "no-no"s?
So far we haven't really gotten into holidays or birthdays.. still feels very weird (and expensive!) but am not against it at all!
Christmas now seems like a wonderful, happy way to brighten up the long, cold, dark days of winter, and to be with FAMILY!
Have you attended any face-to-face meetups of ex-JWs?
I would really like to do that sometime.
Describe your circle of friends - mostly other ex-JWs or regular people?
Mostly new people, but we know a few ex-JWs too, and have a lot of fun with both! Life is so OPEN now! We can agree to disagree without anything becoming a big damn issue!
Do you tell people about your JW past?
Sometimes, though it feels very weird. I feel like I have suddenly grown 3 heads or something, and all the JW beliefs feel so foolish now. It's embarrassing. But a few non-JW friends know, and they are actually very protective and supportive of us, which is really cool.
Do you feel animosity or pity toward current JWs?
I feel sad toward those who believe it so totally as I did, or who are stuck in it because their family is hostage…It makes me angry to see how DESTRUCTIVE this religion is, how it pulls families apart, how the judgements and pronouncements are so DOGMATIC and UNLOVING, how … well, I could go on and on, but this is too long already! :)
How do you respond to witnesses when they call at your door?
We usually HIDE, lol, or pretend we aren't at home. We don't want to talk to them at all.
Storm the barricades or tend to the wounded? (do you favor activism or support)
I think support, but activism, if accomplished with sensitivity and the right questions, rather than attacks, might help get some people to question things. Attacks only strengthen the idea that they are God's people subject to persecution. So any "activism" needs to be very carefully done.
What do you think is the most effective approach to reaching people still in?
Getting them to QUESTION! Getting them to DOUBT THE STRUCTURE, the GB. Because after that, it all falls apart.
Do you think the WTS can or should be destroyed, will continue on as-is or grow / change?
Right now, the WTS teachings are DESTRUCTIVE and LIMITING, they divide, they take advantage, they give nothing back. The WTS is the most UNCHARITABLE religion/cult imaginable. I have no idea as to its future, but it seems there is a large discontent brewing, and that is good.
How has your life been impacted by your JW past?
Yes, yes, in so many ways. It affected the way my dear little children were raised -- it breaks my heart -- they were so innocent and trusting and looked to me, and I brought them up in a fear-inducing, guilt-producing, fun-destroying, life-sucking, CULT.
Are there things in your life you blame the WTS for?
Yes, certain career choices and lack of proper DENTAL WORK for Christ's sake.
Also blame them for the shameful & disgusting way I treated my family. I shunned my parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, which was practically EVERYBODY since I was the ONLY ONE in the family who was a JW. They were all "WORLDLY", so I limited my association with them in a very cruel and hurtful way. Yet I could still TAKE from them, ugh, it makes me so ashamed… I could take their presents (given just before or after the holidays) but never give anything back (except a WT or Awake magazine, if they would accept it).
I wasn't there for my aunt when she was dying (and I was her favourite)… I know I broke her heart, but she still loved me and even kept me in her will. What was her "crime"? She celebrated holidays, went to church, practiced charity… therefore worldly and not good association for me or our children…. God, this breaks my heart. She is dead now and there is no turning back the clock.
My own mother is now heading toward 90 years old, is in a nursing home, and she said to me, within the last year or so, when I told her we were no longer JWs, "Welcome Back." She had tears in her eyes, and said she prayed for "this day"…. This stuff is really hard to write…
JW upbringing - a protection or a curse?
If it was in any way BALANCED, some (very few) things were protective, but it was too restrictive, too unbalanced, too exclusive, totally didn't help children. Made them feel apart, left out, isolated, with no outlets or support. Every damn thing was satanic. Anything fun was evil. Every impulse or original thought had to be controlled or suppressed. NOT a good way to grow up.
How do you fill your time now it's not filled with meetings and field service?
I read a lot, but we also spend time outdoors too, we do stuff, fun stuff, any damn thing we want! Mostly just regular everyday stuff. Grocery shopping. Walking the dog. Visiting family and friends.
Do you still have an interest in JW beliefs and doctrines?
Only to see how ridiculous are the teachings and doctrines and "new light". It still fascinates me, and still causes me disbelief at how I believed it all for so long….
How much of your time is still spent on JW related matters?
Um, well, too much, I guess, given the length of these questions and my answers, LOL!
What do you think of the ex-JW community?
I think we are a wonderful group of people who have been HURT, used and abused, and have come through a CULT experience that, unless you've experienced it, have no common frame of reference. So it's good to know that we can talk with each other and UNDERSTAND just exactly where we've come from, the challenges, the special (destructive) influences which may have impacted us or impaired us…
Do you see yourself still being associated with the ex-JW community in 5 or 10 years time?
Oh yes. :)
Do you fear the future?
I don't know what the heck is going to happen, so there's no point in having fear. If there is a God, then I need to trust that he will take care of things and that he knows us, all of us, and knows all of our situations and circumstances. (Shouldn't faith mean that you shouldn't have to worry..??)
What advice would you give to anyone starting the journey of leaving the WTS?
"Walk gently."
What would you change in your life if you could go back and talk to yourself?
Ugh. Too many to mention. But if you've read this far, you'll have an idea of the many places I would start….
Do you have any regrets about life since you left?
About life SINCE I've left..??? NO! Only that I wish we'd have left sooner!
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