Help me...!

by OneDayillBeFree 37 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  OneDayillBeFree

  Lost my job, just a week before making the final arrangements to move into my very own apartment.

  Got a speeding ticket on the following Sunday for trying to make it to the meeting "on time", (never made it to the hall, just parked in the back of a shopping center for 2 hours in silence).

  Marked by the elders for quitting pioneering, no more commenting and "failing to adhere to bible counsel".

  JW family sees me as a disappointment. Non-JW family is too far away to care.

  Found out ex-girlfriend got df'ed and is now pregnant. Puts some of the blame on me for how things turned out.

  Realizing that she's not entirely wrong as I was still an ignorant, kiss-ass, die hard JWdub when we started dating, always putting the "kingdom interests first" never having time for her since "the end was so freaking close" and then warping her up in the mess of me learning TTATT.

  Dwelling night after night in "what could have been" if I had never been a JW.

  Alternating between being a theist, atheist and agnostic on a daily basis to the point where I don't care anymore yet getting creeped the f*ck out when facing my own mortality and the thought of me dying alone.

  Always coming to the same conclusion, when I find myself alone on Friday nights and weekends, that I have no actual friends, only two conditional JW "friends" which are both currently out of town for about a month and 0 real, non-JW friends.

  Haven't been able to sleep well in literally weeks now. (It's currently 4:30am as I type this).

  Got an email while typing this post, decided to open it, trashed it, came back to this post, found out everything I wrote got deleted. So this is my second time typing this.

  I don't know what to do anymore. Sleeping only helps so much and now I barely even get any of it.

  I've thought about just taking all my life savings and moving somewhere else. Somewhere far away from here. I mean, at this point, I've got nothing to lose really. But I don't know anyone I could go to nor do I know where to go.

  I hate sounding self obsessed, I know that there's so many other people out there who are going through much, much worse than me but I just can't help it tonight.

  I used to be able to hide the pain behind fake laughter or a fake smile, even being considered the funny one when I was hurting inside but theres no one to even be fake around at this point, if that makes sense.

  If there is a god, he better have a good excuse.

  I know "it gets better" but damn is it hard to see a bright side tonight.

  OneDayillBeFree
• 

  LoisLane looking for Superman

  OK. So it sounds like you are in the running for having a really bad week.

  I take it that the pregnant ex girlfriend is carrying someone else's child. Not yours? And you are not in love with her anymore, so you really are alone.

  It is 2:30 AM in the morning here.

  I suggest, since you have no one close, you keep posting and venting.

  We all feel for you. Many of us have felt just as alone as you do now.

  I am sorry. I can't stay up anymore. I must get to sleep.

  (((Hugs to You))) and Good Night from The North Pacific.

  LoisLane

  I am so sorry to hear of your pain, problems and loneliness.
• 

  Freedom4all

  You are going through a tough time.

  Finding out TTATT is hard for all JW.
  
  Being marked by elders is not a bad thing.
  It’s only bad if you believe that they have ‘the truth’ and it is in fact Jehovah who is marking you.
  Bud since you found out TTATT….

  It’s not clear to me if you are the cause of your ex-girlfriend’s pregnancy.
  But if you are, take your responsibility….don’t run.
  
  You say you don’t have anything to lose.
  In that case it can only get better.
  You say you don’t have real friends.
  You cannot lose what you don’t have.
  
  Why blaming God?
  Did he give you the speeding ticket?
  Did he make your ex-girlfriend pregnant?
  Did he make you lose your job?
  Did he “mark” you?

  Don’t get bitter and don’t blame anyone else.

  Don’t live in the past and neither in the future.
  Don’t let the past ruin today.
  Don’t let fear for the future ruin today.
  I was “in the truth” for 38 years before I found out TTATT and lost everything.
  Yes you have to start over again….so what?
  Instead of putting the “kingdom interests first” you can now put your own interests first.

  One Day Ill Be Free…….TODAY you can be free.
  
  Greetings from Holland ( 11:55 AM )
• 

  milola

  What a week huh? First thing I would do is stop breaking your neck trying to get to the meetings on time. Either don't bother going or get there when you can.

  I don't know what constitutes your life savings but if it is enough to cover everything for say six months, I would go ahead and get the apartment and get out there and get a job. Then after you get a job, join a gym or a book club or do some volunteer work where you can start meeting some real people and make new friends. Friends that won't judge you by whether you got to the meeting on time or not.

  Take a deep breath because, yes, tomorrow will be a better day if you look at your future in a more positive light.
• 

  quellycatface

  I feel very sad for you....Try and take one day at a time.

  I know what you mean when you wake up to reality and the new system, living forever etc...is all pie in the sky. It is scary and you cannot think what to do now, kind of thing? This is normal after leaving, you will learn on here. You are amongst fellow sufferers.

  Keep sharing and facing up to your feelings. What does'nt kill us makes us stronger. At least you are'nt living in cloud cuckoo land anymore.

  Can you join any clubs that would interest you?? I'm actually thinking of joining a shooting club and then pretend I'm killing the WT conductor and service overseer. Do you have any hobbies you've always wanted to pursue??

  Hope you have a peaceful weekend.

  Take care
• 

  zeb

  You are free.

  That you can start to look at the mess that the self righteous class have made of your life means you are already on the outside.

  What is this thing about having (close) friends?. There are times I feel lonely (separated) and times i long for a 'soul-mate'. But within this enforced singleness is a whole lot of s*** you dont have to carry as the price. You are shakily standing on your own now. Your strength will come and you will realize what a wonder it is to be on your own and be your own man and how sad the average jw is who has no conversation, no hobby, no interests and only fear of having any of these in case one of the'self-righteous class" says "Tsk!"

  So the ex is 'up the duff' well if its not your bubb then its not your problem. She must have consented and was too stupid or innebriated to use birth control. Feel sad but dont lash yourself. Beware of going back to her you have moved on. Regret your errors of judgement and see them in lifes rear view mirror.

  "Marked by the elders" means have started to show an ability to think outside the bucket. You owe them nothing. They are fearful of you. Dont try to convice anyone else of the ttott ( took me an age to work that out) as we are all on our own journey.

  Get to a doctor you do need some help. You may be bi-polar? and you may not be but you are under a s*** load of stress. If he prescribes medications then take them and admit that doing your fs, and studying the wt and sharing (your soul) in meetings is wt b/s and wont heal you, wont help you, wont aid you in your employment, or in your growth as a person. I am probably double your age and Im still learning. Go to a doctor and guess what YOU will not be the first person he has heard with your life crisis. He may reccomend a counselor or a Psychiatrist, do it go!. So many jw suffer as they are fearful of admitting as jw that they have probs at all or the wt has convinced them that psychiatric help is to parle with the devil. Such thinking is an obscene power trip over the jw herds.

  What sort of job did you have? Do you have any real qualifications? as a jw most likely not. That is prority two send out a mental search party for quickest way to get some employable qualifications and priority one is getting enough sleep.

  Please get to bed to sleep.

  Take medication if the doctor prescribes. Read positive journals magazines.

  Did you ever have a creative hobby? That is priority three once the job thing is sorted. Music. Investigate how healing fine classical music can be by listening to it. Leave the other stuff aside.

  TV. How much useful, witty entertaining positive viewing is there? What could you be doing in that time.?

  Man I see me in you as i have been through the gates of hell in all you say and toss in cancer as well and my dear friend unlike my case you have us all here to talk to joke with and express your experiences and highs and lows and above all else you step by step away from frightened illeducated and into a life

  and in doing this... you are free...

  Big hugs

  Zeb.
• 

  KateWild

  Always coming to the same conclusion, when I find myself alone on Friday nights and weekends, that I have no actual friends-oneday

  I love you very much oneday. Chloe is your friend, you were there for her the whole time she needed a JW to confide in. You took care of her. Now it our turn to take care of you. Start a fresh with a new family. We have a job and a room to rent, you can sort out a career whrn you get here. I will pm you email you, tell chloe to email you. Don't worry, everything will be ok.

  Your auntie Sam xxxx
• 

  The Searcher

  Never diminish your situation by thinking that there are people suffering things worse than you - many most of us have to live with our own relatively personal miseries in life - but they are still miseries and can really bring us down if we let them. Even filthy rich billionaires are suffering personally, albeit in financially better circumstances.

  The point is this; we need to love and be loved, we need true friends and companions, and we need intimate conversation and association with people who are generally like-minded and empathetic.

  This may sound contrite, but it is a wonderful truth - " He that is kindly in eye will be blessed, for he has given of his food to the lowly one." (Proverbs 22:9) By putting yourself in a position to meet and help others, you will meet all kinds of lovely people, make genuine friends, and really appreciate how good life can be.

  You are a decent man - go and mix with decent people - but don't leave us!!!! I wish you the best of experiences.
• 

  KateWild

  By putting yourself in a position to meet and help others, you will meet all kinds of lovely people, make genuine friends, and really appreciate how good life can be.-Searcher

  Oneday has already done this with my family. He has helped us leave, before he left himself. Oneday, now is your chance you can be free. Don't do anything foolhardy though, take steps carefully. Take the leap, we will catch you Sam xx
• 

  Faithful Witness

  One day,

  You did the best thing, posting your feelings here. We all go through times of hopelessness. It sickens me to see how many people have dedicated their lives to this organization. You are in a time of growth and change. I know it hurts, but you will come out better from this challenge.

  Have you ever seen those polished stones, that have been through rock tumblers? When they go into the tumbler, they don't really look that special. They get tossed around and around with some grit and bounce off other stones for long enough, and they come out shining. You can see all the little details of the colors and even the flaws in the stone make them look more unique. A simple rock turns into a small treasure.

  I am reminded of the story of Joseph. If you're feeling like reading the Bible, read the last few chapters of Genesis. He got tossed around a lot, and look how he came out. I don't know you personally, but I can sense something spectacular happening here.

  Hang in there, and the practical advice that has been given here will serve you well. You are among friends. Your feelings do matter, and you won't be judged or reprimanded for thinking or expressing yourself here.

  Keep posting. I think your story is going to help others, who may not yet be brave enough to speak out loud.