Hello! I’m a long-time lurker turned member, finally felt the need to share my experience with people who know where I’m coming from. Will try to be as succinct as possible!
Am from the UK and was born in as 3 rd generation. Parents weren’t considered ‘strong in the truth’ because my dad was never an MS or elder. This meant we weren’t part of the popular set and I grew up in a congregation of people who liked to laud it over those they considered weak.
It was confusing to hear my mum telling me about the wonderful love of God and Christ while seeing no such thing occurring amongst the brothers and sisters at our KH. Their behaviour towards us and many other families eventually took its toll on my parents and we attended less and less. My mums tolerant nature and reasonableness were something to behold in the face of such poisonous people. (a popular catchphrase answer where I live is “we must serve Jehovah despite Jehovah’s people” o.o)
We moved to a new congregation when I was 18 and heard horror stories about our previous one, helping to make us feel that Jehovah had brought things to light and was fixing it. In the years following my mum drifted away, unable to cope with the conditional treatment she was receiving due to not having a husband taking the spiritual lead etc. I continued going as things weren’t too bad if I focussed on the bible and not the head-spinning explanations of scriptures and all the numbers/dates interpretations. I got baptised after friends and family made it known that association with me would become conditional on me taking the plunge. I was in a good place at the time and reading the bible by myself helped me feel ready. In the later years of the 2000’s though, I started to pick up on phrases like ‘independent thinking’ which made me frown, but not question.
Then came a steady onslaught of articles venerating the governing body above all else, but peppered with God’s name to help it all sound bible-based. The word OBEY started to stand out to me and I felt more and more uncomfortable by the language being used. I distinctly remember sitting at a service meeting listening to a talk about not questioning the interpretations passed down from the GB and feeling panic rise as I looked around to see how others were reacting. No one batted an eye. I just wanted to jump up and interrupt with Acts 17:11 and the fact that the disciples questioned Jesus!
Things started to unravel from there on. Noticed constant misapplication of scriptures read out of context that I could remember being used better in talks I’d heard as a child. The anti-higher education topic arrived and with it even more references to obedience and non-questioning behaviour. The increase of incidences of elder’s children avoiding disfellowshipping while those without connections were disfellowshipped left, right and centre also started to weigh on my mind and I realised my conscience was desperately trying to tell me something.
So I prayed, read the bible and realised that accepting all this without question was not what was asked of us, so off to the internet I went, knowing that we should all be in a position to explain the reason for the hope in us, which I most certainly was not! I stayed away from ‘apostate’ sites at first, only trying to prove what I already believed from other JW’s helpful explanations. As you all know though, it all rather quickly falls apart under unbiased scrutiny. My entire faith structure and life course disintegrated, leaving me bereft with no one to talk to.
I desperately tried to return to meetings with gusto and lose myself in it all, but once you see everything in context it’s impossible to carry on. Denial turned to indignation, which broke the hold over me not going to outside ‘apostate’ sources and so thankfully I didn’t lose my mind thinking I was all alone and a terrible person for going against the watchtower and Jehovah. In the end I simply stopped going one day…..and heard not a peep out of a single brother, sister or elder. I understand this is a good thing in the long term, but still…nothing?! Wow.
My last attempt to pretend everything was normal was this year’s memorial. I nearly made it through the door but couldn’t find a parking space and so sat there wondering what to do when I noticed several little old sisters gingerly making their way over the ice, slipping and sliding while the greeting brothers watched from the entranceway. Then I remembered that my congregation elders don’t grit in bad weather as it would make them liable. And that was it. That forgotten tidbit of info so beautifully highlighted everything wrong with the organisation and those so eager to serve it that my heavy heart was suddenly wonderfully light and I headed home just as the radio started to play P!nk’s One Last Kiss – the most amazingly perfect song and timing, what I now think of as my ‘coming out’ song :D
So now I’ve sort of come to terms with things but am unable to vent to anyone, not even my mum, who suffers from terrible guilt that we’re all going to die as she still sees it as ‘the truth’ and it’s only a matter of time before my extended family find out I no longer go and will commence the shunning :( I suddenly have no friends or social life and am too frazzled by it all to wonder what I actually believe now.
Phew, terribly sorry for the length, tried to condense a lifetime and left a lot out but it’s still a tad long!
Thank you so much to everyone who posts here and to the founder of the site for maintaining it, it’s been such a source of relief to read the stories and thoughts of so many similarly affected people whilst going through the mental shock of waking up.
One Last Kiss x