I have had very few mentors in my life. I love each of them dearly.
One such was a man a bit older than me named Tollie Padget.
Tollie was the rarest of rare birds. At the time I was sent to Federal Prison as a conscientious objector (Jehovah's Witness) Tollie was the only intellectual I ever met or knew. His mind was a thousand volts of crackling electricity. I learned from Tollie what it means to live a life of the mind. He tackled knowledge the way a starving wolf eats meat. Ideas were, for him, beautiful puzzles. Tollie dismantled and reassembled Science, Physics, and yes, religious concepts. We were both Gung-Ho madmen in our devotion to the superhero deity best known in the old testament: JEHOVAH GOD. We served at His pleasure--or so we believed.
I absorbed so many useful tools from my friend Tollie I learned to emerge from my shyness and inversion socially. He was exuberant, ebullient and filled with bonhomie.
All of that was 44 years ago!
I had been tipped off where I could reach him (El Paso, Texas) and I telephoned him and left a message.
I've carried Tollie with me throughout my life. I've always spoken of him to others.
I wrote about him in my book, I Wept by the Rivers of Babylon. He saw to it that I got some measure of protection and justice when I was sexually attacked in prison. At the time I was writing about him I tried to reach him through Facebook by sending a "friend request" which was granted--but--no correspondence ever took place. No response at all.
I have inquired time and again through the years and only yesterday did I get an out of the blue e-mail from somebody who lived in El Paso and knew him. They believed he had left the organizaion and that was incredibly good new to me.
As I said, I was tipped off anonymously. The story was Tollie had dropped out of Jehovah's Witnesses and was no longer active. On this basis I called. Had he still been the 100 per cent rah-rah JW he use to be--I'd never have done it.
Finally. . .I spoke to him on the telephone. . .after all this time.
I called because I thought he was emotionally able to reach out and talk about it.
We did talk and reminisced and laughed and it was as though no time at all had passed. . .
We spoke about an hour before getting around to how we dealt with 1975. To my surprise and dawning horror, Tollie began
making excuses for the Society. Ohhhhh noooooo. . .
I suddenly had a dawning awareness he was still AN ACTIVE Jehovah's Witness--which meant--he did not YET know he was talking to a "mentally diseased" ex-JW whom he must shun.
I got sick to my stomach realizing this!
What would he think? I had ambushed him and tricked him into having a conversation with an APOSTATE?
I made an excuse to get off the phone and I asked him for his e-mail adddress. I wanted to write him and let him know what was going on. Otherwise, he could be disfellowshipped for talking to me knowingly. Not too far fetched--at least he might think so.
I struggled with writing the e-mail and what I should say. I divided the letter into two parts. The tell him my status part and--if he was still curious--another part about how I had written my book and mentioned him and how I tried to keep it as accurate and non-hysterical as possible.
I also sent him a PDF of my book--knowing full well he cannot and probably will not read it.
And today. . .I awoke and thought about what might have been.
He had said we needed to get together real soon and it sounded wonderful. He doesn't live that far away. In fact, for many years he was living in Granbury, Texas about a half hour's drive from Fort Worth where I live!
But--none of that will happen now. He's lost to me forever. I don't even have the dream to hope for.
Another piece of my life stolen, courtesy of the Watch Tower Bible and tract Society.
I'm sad. I hope not morose.