Thank you so much for your responses, and apologies for taking so long to reply.
Gypsy Sam, you're right, we do fight the inevitable. I didn't even know I was doing it, but I'm sure it's universal. Perhaps denial is a defence mechanism and it's actually useful, otherwise we might give up completely. I haven't read Mortality, but I will, and thank you for the recommendation.
Etude and Band on the Run, in many ways I'm sure you're right and our relationship was so close that we didn't need to speak such finalities aloud. Perhaps it wouldn't have been possible as our sets of expectations for the future didn't overlap, and it might have descended into hermeneutics on the death bed. Or perhaps neither of us could imagine those distinct futures without each other in them. I know I couldn't.
RR, you're so right - we do view our parents as invincible. It's a shock to see them as fragile humans. I guess, as with any life event, we don't know how we're going to feel until we feel it. Even seeing others' experiences doesn't prepare us for our own. And we do have to work within our current circumstances because what other choice do we have. Looking back from within a different set of circumstances, we see things... differently. It's just so tempting to project our current self back into that situation and wish we could do it over again. And it hurts that we can't.
Abbagail - your tale was so heartbreaking to read. It strikes the nerve of sorrow that runs through me. Grief and guilt teach hard lessons, but they really are learned. Though in many ways guilt seems like a wasted emotion, it's a teacher. It has to have some practical use, if not simply to deter us from encountering the feeling again. Even though loss is inevitable, and life is messy with mistakes along the way, I like to believe I'll never feel exactly like this about anyone I love again, and I know you must feel the same.
LisaRose, it must have been painful to receive that kind of rejection from your mother when she knew she was close to the end of her life. I can feel the way that hurts. And yet it's wonderful that she got to see your newfound happiness, and that she received you in a moment when her heart was open. That's really quite beautiful. Your experience with your dad is beautiful too, and your brother is wise. If ever there was a moment to make declarations of love, that was it. Now those memories are yours to play in your mind whenever you need them.
Tom and Millie, I totally agree that experiencing illness and facing our own mortality must vastly change reality for those who experience it. I know that my mother's needs were much more moment-to-moment, but I also think there would have been other, more far-reaching changes. I expect that as one succumbs to terminal illness, to the loss of autonomy and to being cared for, there must be a certain letting go of long-held worries or prejudices. I think my mother experienced that. It certainly didn't change her sense of conviction, but maybe she let go of trying to change mine, and I guess there was a freedom in that for both of us.
NewYork44M - It's an album cover! Actually I think it's the back of the album. And apparently the band didn't even get to meet the model. Ha!
Thank you all very much for your kind words and your considered thoughts. I can sense that many of you have felt such loss, and that it's been exacerbated by the protocols of the religion. It's unique to be understood in this way.
