MY STORY
By Doug Checketts
One day recently, "just for the fun of it" I looked up "Jehovah's Witnesses" on the Web. I was a second generation JW who left the "Society" in early 1975 and this is my story.
I never imagined I would be doing this until I started reading dozens of testimonials from former JWs and saw my own experiences and life story being repeated over and over and over in these stories.
One compelling reason I have for sharing my experiences is that, until just recently, I had still maintained that there were many good things about the "Organization". Boy, was I ever wrong. Cases in point: the NWT translation of John 1:1, and the TRUE goings on of the GB and WTS Presidents. I never dreamed until just recently that the JWs could ever be a Cult. They are.
Earliest Experiences
My earliest recollection of being raised as a JW was when I was about 4 years old and my mother decided it was time to begin my training as a minister. She instructed me to repeat over and over until I had this memorized: "I have the Watchtower and the Awake for only ten cents". When she thought I had it right, she knocked on a door and said, "my son has something to say to you", and gently pushed me forward". I FROZE IN FEAR! I stepped back and hid behind her skirts. This made her rather embarrassed, but she recovered and gave the standard JW pitch.
When I was about 10 I was told it was time to be enrolled in the Ministry School. I was always a good student, so reading the Bible verses I was assigned was going to be no problem for me. When it was my turn to get up in front of everyone, I AGAIN FROZE! My vocal cords locked up and I could barely read the text above a whisper. It took 3 more Bible readings in the Ministry School before I could finish without losing my voice.
I have experienced extreme stage fright my entire life. It caused me, after 20 years of study, to finally give up my dream of being a Concert Pianist. Was this caused by the above mentioned experiences? I don't know, but it seems to be more than a mere coincidence to me.
No Polio Vaccine for Me
When I was in first grade, polio was one of the most feared diseases in the World. Millions of people were dying and becoming crippled from it. Iron lung machines were never left idle.
The Salk polio vaccine had just been created, but needed more testing before it could be universally available. My school was one of those chosen for testing. My mother would not permit me to accept the vaccine, due to her understanding of JW doctrine. I can't recall if receiving vaccines was still officially prohibited by the Society back in 1953, but I do know they were forbidden before then.
When I was in the 9th grade in 1962 the Sabin oral polio vaccine was introduced and declared safe. Again, my mother would not permit me to take it, due to her "Christian conscience' on such a matter.
I did not contract polio. I was very, VERY fortunate.
My Baptism, Dominated by Fear
I was quite the Bible student in my early years and decided at the age of 12 that I wanted to be baptized. At first my parents thought I was too young, but I finally conviced them I loved Jehovah so much that I was ready to be one of his dedicated ministers. The REAL truth is that I was so scared of being murdered by Jehovah for NOT being baptised that I'd better do it ASAP.
When I was about 14, another teenager friend of mine was to give a talk for the Service Meeting. I said to him, "let's do something fun for a change. We'll present the information in the form of a story ala a silent movie. You'll say something, and I'll play something appropriate on the piano. We'll just do that back and forth. He agreed, and we prepared diligently for a number of days. When he spoke about the Paradise Earth, for example, I would play "happy" music, or when he spoke about Armageddon, I would play something like the Chopin Funeral March. That was the idea. We had planned it to give the audience something to laugh about. Nobody laughed. I mean nobody. We were counseled that such presentations were inappropriate. It seems that the only time the Happiest People in the World are really happy is when they get to hear the deliciously gory details of the carnage which will be visited upon the "world" for not heeding their message of God's Loving Purpose for Mankind.
In a District Assembly in San Francisco when I was about 14, I was volunteering in the cafeteria. On one of my rounds, another kid came up to me and pointed to a cafeteria chair. "See that chair? THAT is the chair that Brother Knorr sat in this morning for breakfast. I ran over and sat in it myself, just to tell my friends that I had done it. Did I feel special!"
Fear and More Fear is the Name of the Game
Throughout my 27-year experience as a JW I was always morbidly terrified of God. Never once, in that time did I ever feel a close, loving relationship with Him. When I mentioned this to my mother only a few years ago she said I was supposed to "love God in fear". Isn't that an oxymoron?
How, I see now, could ANYONE love a God who is supposed to be so vindictive against his very own creation, his very own "children"? As a Father of children myself, I could NEVER torture, or murder my children, no matter how much they disobeyed me, no matter how many times they would curse me. Moreover, I never have and never could physically strike my children. But, of course, the "God of Eternal Life and Love" can. HE can even violently wipe out 99.9% of the men, women, children and babies on the planet, even though they quietly and sincerely practice their own way of worshipping Him, but simply just didn't respond in the "right" way when someone shared the "Good News" with them. Of course, God COULD do this. But would he? I don't think so.
I was a senior in High School in 1965, and had been a straight A student most of the time. Vietnam was raging in full force. I had already taken enough core elective classes so that in my senior year I would only have to go to school until 11:00 am each day to graduate. In the afternoon, I was to pioneer. Of course, I had been told since I could remember that I shouldn't go to College because the time was so short and College teaches evolution, and that could corrupt me. My school counselor told me I had an excellent chance of getting a full scholarship to a number of excellent Universities. But due to the "loving shepherding" I was receiving from the brothers regarding College, it was not to be for me.
I'm Doomed to Die
Pioneering was hell. Pure hell. While my classmates were having a good ol' time in school, I was out knocking on doors in 2 feet of snow. I had to preach alone most of the time. I said to myself so many times, "what am I DOING, anyway?" These people don't want to receive my message. All these thousands of hours, and I'm not making one bit of difference. "What am I doing wrong, Jehovah?," I would pray.
Well, after a while it got to be too much for me, so instead of preaching I would go to the bowling alley and play pool. But what about my "quota" of 100 hours? How do I handle that? The Congregation Overseer was an ex-Gileadite, and was much feared in the Congregation. Personally, I despised him. He would give excellent talks to the Congregation about this and that, and then regularly come over to our house with other Brothers and get drunk with my Dad, while they talked JW Doctrine. Well, I handled my hourly quota problem brilliantly: I lied on my sheet. The guilt I suffered was tremendous. I knew I was doomed to destruction at the wrathful hands of Jehovah. But I did get pretty good at pool.
My Attempts at Redemption: Good Works
In 1967 I met an older brother who took a fancy to me because of my thirst for "Bible" knowledge. He had hundreds of issues of the Watchtower and Awake, dating back to the 1800's. He gave them all to me. He also provided me with a copy of every book written by Joseph Rutherford. What treasure! I read all of it. Additionally, he provided me with an original set of the slides of the Photo Drama of Creation.
I was living in another state at this time, and my former Congregation Overseer (the one who would get drunk with my Father) found out I had the Photo Drama slides. He called me and asked me if I would give them to him, because he thought there would be great interest in the brothers and sisters across the Country if they could get a glimpse of our past. So I gladly sent them to him, although knowing that from a JW point of view, they were quite a valuable collectors item. He started presenting the PhotoDrama back in 1967 and is continuing even to this day in 1997, thirty years later. Well, actually that is not quite true: he was disfellowshipped for a number of years, but later was reinstated. This man is quite well known for his Photo Drama presentations. I was offended that he never did call and offer his thanks. That just wasn't his way, I guess.
I got married at the age of 19 for all the usual JW reasons: raging hormones competing with strict JW moral standards. Before we were married, my fiance' and I did engage in what was called Loose Conduct (whatever the heck THAT means), and I for one was riddled with guilt. That, coupled with my cheating on my publisher's time sheets had doomed me forever, I felt. But maybe, just maybe with enough prayer, and by faithfully working harder, I could make it up and be forgiven. Confessing to the Committee? No way! I had already seen how they had ruined the reputations of too many young people who merely got a little carried away with juvenile petting. Maybe Jehovah would slaughter me, but at least he wouldn't ruin my reputation among people I've known all my life.
In my early 20's I was a JW up-and-comer: I traveled to other Congregations giving hour talks, I was in charge of the second Ministry School, and I was a pioneer and Book Study servant.
I finally met my destiny with the draft issue at this time. For my refusal to serve in the armed forces, I was convicted of a Federal Crime, and was sentenced to 2 years of 40 hours per week "voluntary" community service. (Another oxymoron!) I did my time, and eventually received a full and unconditional Presidential Pardon. But to this day, even though I've never been arrested before or since that episode, to be honest, I must answer "yes" to any document that asks if I've ever been convicted of a felony. I am glad I didn't go to Vietnam, however. I'll give the JWs credit for that.
During this time I spent many hours helping an old childhood friend who was raised as a 3rd generationWitness. He was a total agnostic at this point. This friend had been the best man at my wedding, and was my closest personal friend. His mother was one of the anointed and his grandfather was the father of one of the GB. I won't say which one, because he is still a member of the GB. I pleaded and pleaded with him, using every scripture I could to get him to come back to the "truth". Eventually he did, and we continued to be best friends. I had known him most of my life.
Misery is a Way of Life
I haven't spent any time talking about the malicious and continuous gossip, back stabbing, power grabbing, manipulating, gleefully vicious disfellowshippings, public reproofs and general human misery which existed in every congregation I'd attended.
Such things are a given. As is the JWs obsession with sex.
I will mention one story, however. Even in the mid-seventies, when someone was disfellowshipped, it was against the written policy of the "Society" to inform the entire congregation what the nature of the "crime" was. One could only say it was for "unChristian-like conduct" or something like that.
I believe this had more to do with the Society losing slander lawsuits, than it had to do with saving the victim from public humiliation. Does money govern "God's Divine Policies" as handed down to his "faithful and discreet slave"? Again, you can provide the answer. I already know it.
Anyway, the Overseer stood in front of the Congregation and sadly announces the disfellowshipping of two biological sisters, ages 16 and 17. After reading a number of scriptures on the subject, he was apparently concluded. But not quite. He then slammed his Bible shut and smugly and self-righteously tells the entire Congregation, "Nice girls don't get pregnant!" Sitting in the audience were those two girls' parents. Imagine how they felt when they heard those words. Later on, this Overseer's daughter was disfellowshipped for the same thing.
This same Overseer approached me one day and sternly informed me that the hair on the back of my head was just touching the collar of my white shirt. Such a hair length was unacceptable for Ministerial Servants, he said. Cut it or lose your position. Several of the young brothers, including myself asked him if we could grow short moustaches. This was in about 1973 when long hair and beards were seen everywhere. He said we could not, because we would "stand out". A year later it was ok, though. Go figure.
The Fervor Over 1975
If anyone reading this was not in the Organization in the late 60's and early 70's, and has been told that most Brothers and Sisters at that time were over-zealous and speculative about what was to happen in 1975, don't believe it. I was there through it all.
When such new and unprecedented directives were given to the publishers about such things as a set length of months for conducting Bible studies, which afterwards we must "cut off" the would-be sheep if they did not yet decided to get baptised, what else were we to think? The "end" must be at hand, just around the corner, must it not? The Society was doing everything in its power to convince us that THIS time, for SURE, Armageddon was just around the corner.
When such statements as "this involves a matter of days or weeks" and "just think Brothers, only 90 are months left before….", were published, what else were we to think?
When the Kingdom Ministry relates the reports of brothers and sisters selling everything they owned to pioneer, and then states something like, "certainly…this is a fine thing to do in the remaining short….", what else were we to think. Jehovah was directing his Organization thorough His Holy Spirit, was he not?
A young brother I knew and who was only 25 at the time, told the Elders in our Congregation that he would soon lose his teeth if he did not get them fixed very quickly. He preferred to let Jehovah fix them since the New Order was so close. Well, what did the Elders say? Did they ask him to use restraint, to use caution, to not put too much emphasis on 1975? No, they did not. What else were we to think?
When graphs are published which outlines each millenium, and puts the beginning of the 7th millenium right smack in the fall of 1975, what else were we to think?
When, at every corner in the literature, we see the words "trustworthy", and "reliable" Bible chronology regarding the year 1975, what else were we to think?
When we see great influxes of new Witnesses joining the flock, in apparent fulfillment of Bible prophecy in the years just preceding 1975, what else were we to think?
When we knew full and well that the joyous excitement among the brothers and sisters regarding 1975 would of COURSE filter it's way back to the Governing Body, and yet we saw no hard evidence of the Society "putting the breaks" on our expectations, what else were we to think?
No, gentle reader, we witnesses at that time were not out-of-control, wildly speculating and jumping to speculative conclusions. We acted in accordance with what was fed to us. We were cleverly seduced by the Watch Tower Bible and Tract Society and acted in accordance with that seduction. We were seduced in a manner similar to the way Eve was seduced by Satan in the Garden of Eden. That is as fitting an analogy as I can come up with.
Fortunately, I did not stick around long enough to see it when several years later the WTBS turned around and betrayed their own brothers by accusing THEM of jumping to conclusions, by saying such hypocritical things as "No, we did not say that".
Contrary to what is now taught, most of us were very sincere about trying to glean from the Society's publications what 1975 was to be all about. We eagerly awaited every magazine, and poured over every single word, and honestly did not try to "make more" out of what was written than what was actually written.
My Turning Point: The CO's Arrogance & Hypocrisy
Since I was a pioneer with positions of responsibility in the Congregation, I was given the"privilege" of providing a meal to the visiting Circuit Overseer and his wife. My wife decided to provide a delicious (and expensive) lunch for our honored guests. I had some yard work to do that day, and up until the time of their visit, did just that. I was wearing Levi's and T-shirt, and the Levi's had some grass stains on them, but otherwise, I was clean.
We had a very pleasant lunch, and the CO graciously and kindly thanked us for our hospitality. When he left our congregation to go to his next assignment, the Congregation Overseer called me to the carpet. "The CO told me you really upset him. You had the honored privilege of serving him a meal, and despite his high position in the Society, didn't have the common decency to dress up for his visit. He has asked me to personally watch you from now on for other signs of immaturity."
I thought to myself "whom does that CO think he is, GOD? That arrogant hypocrite is all smiles to my face, and then stabs me in the back over some yardwork?" I was deep into questioning my religion at this point, and this event was a pivotal point for me.
Things I had taken for granted, or overlooked at the time I was now carefully scrutinizing. I seriously began work to stop acting like a robot, and stop parroting the JW jargon, without seriously listening to what was really being said.
Our Congregation had a highly respected anointed man, who, at the time had been a Bethelite for almost 50 years, and who was also the ONLY person in the US outside of Brooklyn who was allowed to print some of the Society's Literature. This man was almost considered a "holy man" in the Congregation. With my new ears I listened to one of his talks. The plain truth was, the poor guy could hardly form a proper sentence half the time, and what he did say was mostly gibberish.
I used to get drunk with the elders and other servants in the Congregation on a regular basis. Heck, it was an unspoken joke on Sunday mornings when we'd come to the Watchtower Study totally hung over, and take turns visiting the bathroom during the Public Talk to puke, and then wink at each other when we returned to our seats.
But mostly, it was the total misery in the Congregation that I began to notice. Songs were sung with all the enthusiasm of a dirge. Answers were given to questions in a monotone drone. No enthusiasm. No happiest people on Earth. The only real happiness I had personally at the time was when I got drunk.
I Want OUT!
I decided to leave. This is not the God I want to worship. This is an Organization I want to divorce. Kill me, Jehovah. I really don't care anymore. These people are hypocrites, and so am I. If I'm gonna die, I'm gonna have some fun before I do it. I made my final break in early 1975. Was I worried that, as a result, I could possibly be destroyed in just a few months when the "big event" arrived. You bet I was. October, 1975 was a terrifying month for me. That's how much influence had been exerted over me, even though I was conviced this was not the true religion. But I didn't care if Armageddon came or not. I wanted OUT.
The JW Wake of Human Destruction
Years after I had left, I did a lot off thinking about people I had grown up with, people I had loved, people I had entrusted my life and friendship with and what had become of many of them, during and since the time I was a Witness. Herewith are some of the very sad results:
My mother who raised me as a JW: has been a JW in good standing for nearly 50 years. Began taking the emblems almost 20 years ago. Has been regularly on anti-depression medication for over 35 years. Rarely goes to meetings or in field service.
My father: active JW for nearly 40 years. Simultaneously gave up smoking and drinking 15 years ago, under threat of disfellowshipment.
My sister: currently serving with her husband in Bethel for the last 4 years. A wonderful human being.
My sister's only son, who was raised as a Witness: in prison for attempted murder over a drug deal gone bad.
My sister's only daughter also raised as a Witness: disassociated.
My all-time best friend and best man at my wedding: consumed with hate for me. Currently serves as an Elder.
His mother, a fleshly sister of one the current JW Governing Body, and to whom I introduced her second husband, and whom has been anointed for nearly 60 years: "Doug is a horses' ass for leaving the Truth".
My first wife's mother, whom I considered the greatest mother-in-law anyone could ever desire: hasn't spoken a word to me in 22 years, and of whom I've heard says nothing but bad about me whenever my name is brought up. She flew 1000 miles to hear my first hour talk when I was a Witness, though. To date, she has been an active pioneer for the last 25 years.
Another great friend, ex-Bethelite, and generally a wonderful guy: lost his very young wife in death shortly after the birth of their first child, because she hemorrhaged and they would not accept blood to save her life. Still active as an Elder.
Another friend who rose from pioneer to special pioneer to Bethelite to Missionary: disfellowshipped. Became heavily involved in drugs.
Another friend's father who was a Congregation Overseer for many years: disfellowshipped, reinstated, disfellowshipped.
The man who was my Ministry School Servant and married my first wife and I in our Congregation: disfellowshipped.
My childhood Congregation overseer: pioneer, Bethelite, Missionary, Circuit Overseer: disfellowshipped, reinstated. Still active.
The young man who was tried and sentenced and served time along with me for refusing to submit to the draft: disfellowshipped.
My first daughter who was raised as a Witness by her mother: disassociated.
My first daughter's mother: disassociated for years.
Another brother who frequently socialized with my parents for many years: disfellowshipped, now dead, acute alcoholism, died homeless on the streets.
This man's son, who used to "vacation pioneer" with me in our young years: institutionalized in a mental hospital for almost 30 years now. His biggest worry when we were very young teenagers was the punishment he would have to face for practicing masturbation.
I could go on, but I won't. It's getting to me just thinking about it all again.
I Got OUT!
When I finally broke away from Jehovah's Witnesses, as I expected, I lost all of my friends, including life-long ones.
But I've never once regretted my decision. In fact, it gets reinforced from time to time.
A few years later, around 1977, I was in a bar talking to a bar acquaintance I had known for some months. I told her I had been a Witness. She was floored! She informed me she had been a special pioneer for 5 years, and a regular pioneer for 10! She had finished Gilead and also served as a Missionary for several years. We compared notes about our experiences, and sure enough, they were the same! We laughed and laughed and then got drunk together!
About 10 years after I left, I called up my old best friend. He was the one that I helped bring back into the "truth", and who was the best man at my wedding. Previous attempts to kindle our friendship had failed. He was very cold with me and made it plain he did not want to associate with me. But one day I figured, "what the heck, it's been 10 years. People mature. Things change. I'll give him another call and see how he is doing."
Once again, he was not only cold with me, he was downright hostile. He said that even though (to my knowledge) I had never been formally disfellowshipped, I might as well be. He was spewing out venom saying I was worse than a dog returning to his vomit. I finally said to him, "Wait!" Remember me? I was the guy who spent months persuading you back into the truth. I was the guy who mentored you and got you spiritually strong again. Even though you cursed God, I never left you. I never broke off my friendship with you. Look at what you are saying to me. Where's that famous Jehovah's Witnesses LOVE you all constantly preach about? Can't we just meet at talk about what has happened in our lives in the last 10 years, without bringing religion into it? I'm not gonna bite you. I'm not gonna try to brainwash you with any "demon-inspired" apostate religious crap." He smugly replied, "I'm not supposed to do that, but since you make such a big deal about it, we can talk someday. I don't care one way or the other." I decided it was not worth it. His brainwashed hate was just to ingrained.
Really Experiencing God's Love
After I left, I spent the next 20 years on various searches for spirituality. NOT the JW meaning of the world spirituality, which to them means, "doing exactly as you are told". I was agnostic for a number of years, cursing God several times. I then got into AA and began to experience, (and this time I could say TRULY EXPERIENCE) a personal, loving, gentle and forgiving God. A God who forgives, regardless of whether we repent or not, but because forgiving and loving his children is God's nature. I experienced a God of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. I felt safe and protected and embraced and cherished and nurtured and LOVED. Witnesses constantly talk about 'agape', but never seem to consider what that word REALLY means. Agape cannot exist without forgiveness. I thought, "if God can show his love for me by loving me and by forgiving me unconditionally, then my repenting would be much easier, because there are no strings attached."
I was involved with psychics for a while, but never had any demonic or traumatic experiences. Besides, who needs a psychic when we have the gift of being able to go right to the Source for answers to our questions?
I studied Eastern Disciplines, and concluded that the thread of divine truth can be found in many places if one is willing to earnestly look. I then became a Christian (for the FIRST time in my life!).
But one of the most important things I have learned on my Path is that, while what I believe and experience is important to me, what YOU believe and experience is important to you. I have no right whatsoever to try to force my beliefs on anyone. And I certainly have no permission from the Creator to pass judgement on anyone else, should his or her deeply held personal beliefs differ from mine.
Finally, I would like to thank Raymond Franz and Joseph Malik for their contributions to my life. I sense in these two men sincere devotion to God, humility, courage and dignity.
These men seem to bear no malice to those who had deceived them for many decades of life.
I feel the same way to all of you who've had the courage and character to flee from that destructive Cult known as Jehovah's Witnesses. Peace and happiness to you all.
Doug Checketts
Epilogue
If you are not now one of Jehovah's Witnesses, but are thinking about becoming one, you should be aware that there is really nothing very unique about my story. My experiences as a Witness are much more the "norm" than you might want to believe. You will rarely hear stories like this from active Witnesses, however. They are not being dishonest. Rather they are TERRIFIED of what could happen to them if they spoke up and told the truth. Read other stories, if you would like. Discover for yourself. We are not making this stuff up. It happened. There is too much commonality in our stories and experiences and we are by no means collaborating with each other in some sort of "conspiracy" against the Society.
If you are currently one of Jehovah's Witnesses and are considering leaving, take heart. Should you indeed decide to leave, you will find that outside of the Watchtower walls there is a brotherhood of wonderful people available to support you and comfort you. Leaving the Witnesses may not be easy for you, but it can be done. I did it and never once looked back.
Jehovah does love you unconditionally, and Jehovah would never destroy you for sincerely seeking answers to things which might be disturbing you and causing you unhappiness in your life. Trust in Him, not some flawed, man-made organization. Look to Him for answers. Then, with His help you can make your decision.
