I feel sorry for just about everyone else.. even the elder's wife

by ohnightdivine 18 Replies latest jw friends

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  ohnightdivine

  Hello everyone. It's been a while.

  I've been busy with with being busy after knowing TTATT. But, I'm still in.

  After this Sunday's meeting I was invited over by one congregation elder's wife to an afternoon coffee.

  We're not very close because of the age gap but we've "known" each other for so many years now, being in the same congregation.

  She is like the anchor of the group. One of the "originators" of the congregation here.

  And everyone in the circuit (or region) knows her. The hardworking, hospitable, always-participating-in-the-study, popular elder's wife.

  She knew I've been quite keeping to myself these days. I figured she wanted to catch up with me.

  To make a long story short.... over a cup of coffee and some conversation she cried her eyes out in front of me.

  She said that almost everyone would think she didn't have any ups and downs. I said yes.

  And her eyes just swelled and tears came running down. And she said, "Yes. I'm also human. I feel very lonely at times. But I cannot tell anyone."

  Until now I cannot forget those tears. We talked for about an hour and it was the very first time in more than 10 years that she opened up about it.

  She's in her 40's and just realized and felt the emptiness of not having her own child.

  I was in pain looking at her. What a waste of a good heart and person.

  I also shed a tear.. I really feel so sorry for her. Everyone in the congregation seems to be just sticking it out...
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  jgnat

  If this poor woman could live outside her box she might adopt. I'm glad she opened up to you.
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  WingCommander

  Well, can her husband still get it up? I married my wife when she was 41. She had our son at 42, after having her tubes RE-TIED. Many in her family had children up thru into their early 50's. (Fertile myrtles I guess) 40 is like the new 30 really. I say, if she's 47 or below, better get the boots knockin'!

  What a sad, pathetic existance these people live. So much for the "fruitages of the Spirit", aye? Nothing like looking forward to the New Order childless!!!!

  - Wing Commander
• 

  Phizzy

  There must be so many in the religion who feel the same despair inwardly. They rarely show it though, to do so would be to risk terrible judgement and derisory comments about oneself.

  As jg-nat says above, if only she could shake off the mental shackles ! A number of people, though risky, do get pregnant in their forties, or as above, adopt.

  I would be wary of advising her on that though, she may end up forcing a child in to the same life of misery.

  I would encourage her to give herself space and time of her own. This will of course result in reduced time given to the WT, but it may be vital for her mental well-being.

  Just volunteering for something local, nothing to do with JW's, would broaden her horizon no end.
• 

  ohnightdivine

  I didn't give her any advice. What happened was unexpected for me. I listened to her the entire time.

  I just feel thankful that she saw me as trustworthy (sorry for sharing it here, though, but she still remains anonymous),

  and a "good enough" company for that kind of conversation. I'm single and she's married, we have more than 10 years' age gap.

  I really think it is extremely difficult for sisters, especially elder wives, to open up their hearts and share their sad stories for fear

  of being judged. I remember her saying "I cannot tell this to anyone. What would they think--that living this kind of life (in the truth) is not happy?"

  :( What really pains me more is about her being sad and full of what-if's.. what if she had a child? Too late, she thinks.

  :(
• 

  LisaRose

  How sad. There is nothing more lonely than being in a group where you cannot show your true emotions. You are not supplied to be happy in the "spiritual paradise" among "Jehovah's happy people". It's quite common for women of that age to look back and think about the choices they have made and wonder whether they could have been chosen differently. Women without children wonder what it would have been like with them, women with children are seeing them grow up and wondering what life will be like when they do. I think some women rush to have the children they never had to fill the void, those with children rush to have another. But none of these choices will fix what is wrong - that they dont know what they really want or know who they really are.

  What helped me, when I was mentally trapped, was a book my daughter got me called "Simple Abundance, a day book of comfort and joy" by Sarah Ban Breathnatch. It's a book that has a different thought for every day. There is nothing in it that is overtly anti religion, in fact the opposite, but it helps you identify your needs and live your best life. It has a little thought for every day, like a yearbook.

  It's been out for a long time and can commonly be found at thrift and used book stores. Why don't you buy it for her as a gift? There are some JWs that wouldn't read it, just on the grounds that it is not society approved, but she might. Tell her it brought comfort to a friend, and you thought she might like it. I still read it every few years or so.
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  Xanthippe

  That is really sad OND but you must be a good listener. It reminds me of my sister who was told in her twenties that she couldn't have children. When my mother died I found out my sister had suffered with depression in her mid-forties when it hit her that she would never have a child. I suppose she just kept waiting for the new system, so sad.
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  quellycatface

  Poor lady.great that she felt she could confide in you.keep the channel of communication open.makes you wonder how many more jw's feel like this.
• 

  DesirousOfChange

  Every Cong in our area is seeing lots of new babies. Evidently(TM), the young couples are not in line with the GB about the nearness of The End(TM).

  When we were still very active and respected, the wife of a young elder asked my wife about "waiting until the New World" to start a family. My wife advised her to ask someone with freedom of speech on the subject (we have children) -- ask someone who made the decision NOT to have children back in the 1940s or 1960s and see what their thoughts are now. Young gal was pregnant within 2 months. And again 2 years later. Don't know if she actually asked any of those folks, or just realized that The End(TM) was imminent back then and still NOTHING HAPPENED. Seems she didn't want WT History to repeat itself in her life experience.

  Doc
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  finally awake

  I knew an elder's wife in that situation. They had agreed to not have children, but it was clear that neither of them was happy with that decision later on. I guess it was too late though, she's several years older than me and I'm 43.