'Hovahville!

TR

Back in the days of 'hovahville(not to be confused with 'Whoville', because Whoville was a nice place!), it got to the point where I secretly wished that I had never learned the "truth". The dividing of my family, the stupid rules and cong. "Obligations" made me wish that I had never become a 'hovah. Because then at least I would have had a chance at the ressurrection. That, in addition to the gut feeling that this might not be the "true" religion.

Every time I had to leave for a meeting/field service/assembly/convention/etc./etc./etc., I felt torn for leaving my wife and sometimes my kids behind. Why does the "truth" have to cause so many problems? I thought this secrectly. All these damn misgivings and doubts, but no one to talk to! I couldn't tell my wife because I didn't want to look foolish for choosing this religion and nearly ruining our marriage. I didn't want to tell the elders because then I'd be ignored even more than I was already.

So what to do? More study, more service, more cong. duties! That's the answer! NOT! The more I got involved, the worse I felt, and the more conscious I was that I "wasn't doing everything I could" for the "truth". This was really a no-win situation, especially if this wasn't really the "truth".

So began the "slow fade" into obscurity that was followed by much guilt and fear for being inactive and doubting. All alone with these thoughts and fears that I had imagined. Since nobody in the cong. seemed to care about my dissappearance, I took that to mean that even the elders didn't care about me. No words of encouragement or comfort. Then came the internet.

So, 'hovahs, you want to be free? I mean the type of freedom that exists in REAL LIFE, not 'Hovahville? You know what to do. The tools are at your fingertips.

TR

UADNA-WA
Unseen Apostate Directorate of North America- Washington Division

CornerStone

Elders not careing TR?, NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Why, I remember one el-dork shareing his compassion and concern with me one bookstudy evening by telling me point blank, "We don't care what you think!"

I believe he was speaking for the collective. And since if they did'ent care what I thought, they must not care how I feel. And if they did'ent care how I feel, they must also not give a damm about me as a person. Guess what?, they did'ent. Hang in there.

CornerStone

Seeker4

TR,

Nice thoughts. Will remind many of us of the pain one goes through when, inside, you really know the Witnesses don't have the truth. And the Net I think was a lifesaver for many of us, letting us know we weren't just a badass, evil, unappreciative complainer, but just another thinking person seeing the truth about "the truth."

Your comment about striving to do more in the congregation to make up for your obvious "spiritual shortcomings" (in Hovahville thought), reminded me of a sister I talked with as I was leaving. She said that she followed the counsel to research her questions and doubts, and pray about them. Trust me, this sister was nothing if not concientious!

But she said to me: "What happens when you do everything they tell you to do to rid yourself of doubts, only to find that they just get stronger?!"

Needless to say, this sister is long out of the Witnesses, and a college professor at the moment.

Thanks for the post.
S4

Scully

Good post, as always, TR.

Something has really been pissing me off about my life as a 'Hovah, and your post - and recent events about "Shunned Dad" - has opened an old wound.

When I was 22 years old, our first child was born. We expected a normal, uncomplicated delivery. What happened, instead, was that because of a false doctrine, I very foolishly and unwittingly put my own life in serious jeopardy. I had signed the hospital release forms refusing blood transfusions in an emergency, as expected of all good 'Hovahs. This was all before the days of Hospital Liaison Committees, slick WTS propaganda videos, etc. All I knew was that to willingly take a blood transfusion meant disfellowshipping and ultimately eternal destruction.

Anyway, the pregnancy went three weeks post-term, which is very dangerous for the baby in and of itself. What I didn't realize was that it was also very dangerous for me. Babies gain about 1-1½ ounces in weight EACH DAY during the last few weeks of pregnancy. So in three weeks' time, as a conservative estimate, that makes 21 ounces or 1 pound, 5 ounces. At most, 30½ ounces - or just under 2 pounds. If the baby had delivered on the due date, he probably would have been between between 8-3½ and 8-12, which is a nice healthy newborn weight. Instead, he was over 10 pounds. What makes that dangerous is that the uterus can become so "stretched" that it does not contract effectively following delivery, and consequently the mother loses a lot of blood. That's what happened to me.

Now it's normal for women to lose some blood following delivery. Usually that amount is less than 500 mL (about 2 cups) immediately post-partum. It generally results in a drop in haemoglobin levels of 1 - 2 points. Mine dropped from 14.7 to 4.2, so it's a safe bet that I lost about 2000 to 2500 mL, based on my present experience as a nurse - or the equivalent of SIX to EIGHT units of blood. I was unconscious for 6 hours, and when I started regaining consciousness, the nurse scolded me and said that my "stupid religion" almost cost me my life. I was too weak to see my son until he was almost 2 days old. I couldn't get up out of bed for 3 days even to go to the bathroom or shower. It took weeks before I was even back to half of my previous functional level because of the severe anemia.

At the time, my 'Hovah friends praised me and told me how 'Hovah had blessed my strong resolve to be obedient to "his commandments". But did any of them show up to help me clean my house or do groceries for me when I couldn't drag my butt out of bed because of the fatigue of severe blood loss coupled with sleep deprivation that accompanies parenthood?? Of course they didn't. "That's what your family is for, Sister," they said, seemingly oblivious to the fact that my family was 800 miles away.

When I think back on what happened, I don't consider myself "blessed" at all. I am grateful beyond words for the skill of the medical and nursing staff that was looking after me, and the sheer LUCK that saved my blinded mind from being just another Watchtower martyr.

Love, Scully

Disengaged

Hi TR

Your circumstances mirror mine. Good Post!

TR

Appreciate your thought, people.

Scully,

Jeeminy wizbanks!(My late uncle used to say that)

What you went through is almost exactly what my 'hovah sis-in-law went through. Thank Dog you made it! My SIL made it of course, 'hovah's blessing, you know.[8>]

TR

UADNA-WA
Unseen Apostate Directorate of North America- Washington Division

Mazza

Clearly Scully you weren't paying attention to expert medical opinion, as imparted from the platform, with regular monotony. That is, that people recover much faster when they don't have a blood transfusion. Your loving christian sisters and brothers knew this and chose to ignore your malingering. ;)

The medical staff do an amazing job inspite of how foolish their patients choose to be at times. I'm just so glad you lived to tell the tale.

And to TR - your 'hovah just kills me. When did you finally eat humble pie to your wife and admit that you'd been a complete fool?

Marilyn

TR

Marilyn,

When I got on the net, read books, etc., and I came to the conclusion I'd been had, I started sharing what I found out about 'Hovahville with my wife. She took it all in stride for the most part, and just let me evolve(snicker!) into the person I really was. Once in a while she brings up how pissed she was at certain points during my 'hovahness. She was way too strong and stubborn to buy into 'Hovahville. Being a RC didn't hurt either.

TR

UADNA-WA
Unseen Apostate Directorate of North America- Washington Division

LizardSnot

Wastin' away again in 'hovah 'hovahville...

Lizard

jwsons

Scully,
I love your story. I share your experience. Eventhough Wacotower usually has a "brother" in every hospital to visit JDub patients everyday like other religions. In my wife case is in a maternity clinic, this "brother" only turn up afterward, when everything done in smooth way in their viewpoint,(mean no blood, no violation, no death or severe damage because of faithfulness to the Wacotower etc...). During the delivery, my wife nearly die. I even told the doctor and midwives: 'If you can not do better, please just save the mum...' I said in tears to the midwife. Luckily, all done well. My wife recovered in conscious condition after 2 days. During those time NO ONE from the JDubs visit us in the clinic. The clinic told us that because of the special circumsatnce, my wife should stay back at least two week time.However we couldn't, for we have no relative to look after things at home; we gone home with our own risk, the clinic said. So we should leave the clinic on day five. The "brother" turn up on that fifth day, when we ready to go home, just to check my wife medical record ! I show him "No blood accepted in any circumstances by faith in JWs" and previous record "JW: No autoglobus". After my wife went home, one of our best friend, she is a JW from far away and visit us at home.We didn't tell her about "the brother" but she herself told her story and said "Usually Society has a brother who visit every of JW patient in any hospital by checking the record from hospital's file to know who is JW at that moment but when I was in my maternity hospital, this brother only know about me in the hospital and visit me when I nearly gone home, he is very kind.." as that point we know that the procedure as such come from headquarter but we didn't tell her our story, for that time we still be "faithful witnesses." Look back I only realized that love inside Wacotower's Wall always has a condition...

'Hovahville!

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