Is it normal to feel you have betrayed your spouse when you learn TTATT?

by BU2B 20 Replies latest jw friends

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  BU2B

  I am trying to look at it from a believing mates perspective. They married you as a JW expecting you to continue as one. If you have kids, she enjoyed the stability of both spouses being united.

  When you learn TTATT, you find out the WT is a dangerous mind control group and lies to its members and is hypocritical. When your spouse finds out your feelings, many feel betrayed saying "your not the man/woman I married" or "I wouldnt have married you if you wrent JW" remember the 3fold cord BS? Then \they go into momma bear mode, viewing you as a threat to the kids everlasting future. They may view your not going to the KH as a violation of the marriage bond. If you "leave Jehovah" whats to prevent you from leving them too?

  I feel for JW spouses, including my own in that situation. On the other hand, we change and grow and reserve the right to change the way they feel about things when we get information we did not have previously. For a person to deny their spouse the freedom of thought and freedom to change their mind is wrong. Yet I still feel somewhat sad for them. We have woken up to TTATT they have not. They do not see it. They may never see it. It sucks that we awakened JWs cause our spouses this turmoil, yet to be true to ourselves we must be ourselves.

  Once someone learns TTATT, your spouse has only 4 choices.

  1. Be married to an actor going through JW motions half Ass knowing it is BS

  2. Stay married to an unbeliever and face the embarrasment of being a spiritual widow.

  3. Leave the unbeliever and hope they move on with their lives so they can be free to remarry.

  4. (Best case) Spouse wakes up later on once they see that their loved one has not changed, or improved without the cult influence.

  I welcome your thoughts- Rant over.
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  designs
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  jgnat

  You are changing the rules of the game midway. We make a wedding vow "for better or for worse" but in reality, we are making a contract with certain expectations.

  For instance, let's say a couple married vowing they would never have children, and then one partner changes their mind? The other will naturally feeling betrayed, having to choose between their love-match (and a drastically altered future), or to strike it out on their own, hoping to find a compatible partner. Of course it's a shock.

  Similarly for regular people whose partner suddenly goes religious.

  Or quits their job without warning, to go on a world-spanning sabbatical.

  Or develops an addiction to extreme sports.

  So I say approach sensitively, and don't assume your partner is on the same page. They deserve some time to adjust to their new reality.
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  nonjwspouse

  How can they be free to remarry unless someone has an affair? I thought that was the only "apporoed" reason to allow remarriage?
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  confusedandalone

  I felt guilty ... I felt like I betrayed her.

  However I felt that if I didnt tell her who I truly was that was even worse. Once the cards were on the table I felt better.

  She didnt. Then once she saw how they turned on me it all became clear to her. I was lucky
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  Ucantnome

  i wanted my wife to continue going but she wanted to do what i did
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  BluesBrother

  Betrayal is too stong a word. I do not feel guilty about quitting the J W movement . You have answered it very well in your second paragraph of your post. That said, I do feel compassion for her.

  Life for a sister on her own is much harder than it is for a married couple, especially since Sis. Blues was an "elderette" when I was active. Over the years since she has had to put with off-handed elders, idiot Min Servants taking her Group Study (when they still had them) that freaked her out since she knew far more than he did - plus run-ins with car park attendants who would never have disrespected her if she were an elders wife. I do try and help by attending some meetings purely to accompany her.

  That said, what else can we do? We cannot unlearn what we know. The movement has been totally unable to produce anything to make me change my mind. I cannot live as a shadow, pretending to believe when I don't. The upset and emotonal arguments now have largely subsided and she now realises that simply leaving the dubs does not turn me into the stereotypical "worldly man" monster that the WT likes to portray us as being.

  Hang on in there my friend , no doubt things will settle down.
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  sd-7

  To answer this thread's question, absolutely. I think I was probably the worst (some here would/did have more colorful words to describe it) example of that sort of thing, since I had discovered TTATT months before marrying a JW. I knew it wasn't true and I felt awful for involving my wife in this when I could have just let her go and saved us both a lot of pain. Living a lie for the months leading up to her 'sudden but inevitable betrayal' of turning me in to the elders...that was the worst time and for a long time after, it was hard to look in the mirror. I felt like a liar and a cheater. She still doesn't believe me sometimes when I tell her stuff, and probably that situation is at the root of it.

  And you're right to feel sad for them. For my wife, being a JW is really the only thing that seems to give her a sense of accomplishment in life. Getting married was probably a big and happy thing for her, and to find out her husband doesn't really believe in the JWs...it's got to be heartbreaking to sit through the meetings. The talking behind her back, the men there trying to 'pick up the slack' because her husband wasn't 'man enough' to stay loyal to the WT? It's got to be difficult wishing your mate was there.

  I guess the last few years have made me feel rather less than sorry for her, just because she used it as a license to emotionally abuse me. I'm sure I probably did the same, just for different reasons and in different ways. It creates a toxic environment in which to have a marriage or kids. A Cold War relationship where things can go from quiet and peaceful to hateful in a single moment. Not that I'm doing the self-pity thing about that anymore, just explaining my perspective.

  It's just a tough place for them, always will be, whether they treat you well after the bombs have dropped or not. But you've got a choice to make: either betray her or betray yourself. To betray yourself is still going to be betraying her anyway, because she'll never get to know you on an unconditional basis. What you really like, what you really want to do, who you really want to be. What kind of marriage would that be?

  It becomes harder to see it from their point of view the longer you're out, because that perspective is so inflexible. But in the end, you can't control how they feel, only how you feel. The best thing to do is forgive yourself, because this betrayal was necessary for the sake of your own growth and well-being. And the only way you can be able to take care of them is to make sure you're taking good care of yourself.

  --sd-7
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  BU2B

  Same for my wife SD-7. I think being a JW is the only thing that gives her structure and a sense of accomplisment in life. If I could only find something to replace it for her.. I dont think she cares at all about false prophecy, misquotes, the UN thing because in her heart she is thinking, where else would I go.. The reality is that life can be so rich, filled with hobbies, adventures, helping out the elderly, homeless, sick children, orphans, even animals.. There is more fulfillment away from the WT but it is her life.. Nothing seems to make any lasting impact on her.. Last weekend I took her to toronto for a baseball game and to see a broadway show on saturday, then to a museum on Sunday.. She had a ball.. No FS no Meeting. I understand her not wanting to sit around at home with no purpose.. She needs something to fill the void.
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  ABibleStudent

  BU2B - Same for my wife SD-7. I think being a JW is the only thing that gives her structure and a sense of accomplisment in life. If I could only find something to replace it for her.. I dont think she cares at all about false prophecy, misquotes, the UN thing because in her heart she is thinking, where else would I go.. The reality is that life can be so rich, filled with hobbies, adventures, helping out the elderly, homeless, sick children, orphans, even animals..

  Hi BU2B, Prison, working on an assembly line, and being in the military also provide structure to people and does not victimize them with BITE control. The WTBTS indoctrinates JWs with thought-stopping platitudes to delude them that leaving the WTBTS is worse then death, because you will live forever after the Big "A" on Paradise Earth.

  Instead of making all the plans for your wife, ask your wife simple questions to learn more about what she dreamt of doing as a child that was not a WTBTS approved activity. Then, help your wife to use the internet and read travel magizines to plan activities to do with more non-JWs. Add a little spice to your fun activities by surprising your wife with something that she may not have overtly expressed as wanting to do, but that you learned from listening to her authentic persona that she really wanted to do.

  The more fun she has with you as a fading JW: the less inclined she will want you to return to the WTBTS.

  Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,

  Robert