Waking up from jw-land is an extremely exhausting process. About 3 years ago, I attended a month-long institute for grad school students. During this time, I was surrounded by people from all over the United States and had active, deep conversations with so many about personal topics, such as religion and divorce. I didn't once attend a meeting at the Kingdom Hall. To say that I woke up, is really an understatement. Besides the day-long seminars, intellectual discussions at lunch, and field trips to important monuments, I was also learning about how life outside Watchtower was like. I felt like my heart got an electrical jump start. Once I returned home, nothing was ever the same again. I didn't know what was wrong. All I knew was that I could no longer be a Witness anymore. I really did not know why.
The 3 years since that summer have been torture. In that time, my husband and I separated-- that process alone was devastating, to say the least because I loved him so much and wanted my marriage and family so badly. He moved out, and although there was finally peace in the house, I was sooooo depressed. He was disfellowshipped, and then so was I. In an instant, whatever support I might have needed to survive the next year disappeared. A few months after that, I was given 30 days to pack 13 years worth of stuff and find an apartment for me and the girls. Soon after, he stopped paying child support, and whatever money I had saved to pay my last semester's worth of tuition was transferred to taking care of the girls and myself. My internships started, and while my first placement was a success, my second one ended with lots of controversy. I am summarizing as best as I can here, but really, what I want to say is: I am SO TIRED.
I am EXHAUSTED. Besides visiting the lawyer to find out options after my grad school crapped on me, I have not gotten out of bed for 2-3 weeks. I ask my boyfriend to cook up a hot meal for me; when I'm done, I ask for a massage because my neck and shoulders are so tense, and then I fall out, in a flash, snoring loudly and sleeping as hard as a rock. I can sleep all day, all night, only to wake up to eat. I haven't left my bedroom in weeks. I can't handle emotional turmoil-- I had a very heavy emotional conversation with my ex-husband two nights ago, my eyes in the end were puffed up, and I looked like hell til basically this morning. I just want peace in my life. I want to feel stable, secure, and safe. When will that feeling come?
I am waiting for the heat of this summer. I'm hoping that the warmth of the sun on my skin and swimming in the pool will help me feel better.
I just wonder-- did you feel this tired after leaving jws? How long did it take before you felt refreshed and new?