Just Up On JW.Orgy: Young People Ask Answers That Work: How Does Jehovah Feel About Farting At The Kingdom Hall During Prayer, Does It Make Him Sad?

by frankiespeakin 11 Replies latest social humour

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  frankiespeakin

  http://www.jw.org/en/bible-teachings/family/teenagers/young-people-ask-volume-1/

  Jehovah is the father of tender mercies, with whom their no variation or turning of a shadow. Needless to say that since Jehovah is a spirit he does not digest food and has no need of a large and small intestine which is the main cause of such physical disturbances. So that one would be correct in assuming that these obnoxious sounds and smells do not exist in heaven, none of God's angels fart except maybe Satan and His Demons being that they have the power to materialize in human form(pre-flood days when Noah lived, and they were all farting up a storm before the flood came). No doubt when they went back up into heaven they let a few rip just to be mean to their fellow angels who also could materialize noses and ears to find out what a fart sounds and smells like. Hey if Satan is the ringleader of all these stars that were cast to the earth with his big tail when Satan was a Dragon you can be sure that if farting make Jehovah sad he will do it just for the thrill of getting Him all sad and whatnot.

  As we can see while Jehovah is always the Happy God, with only momentary lapses into sadness caused by farting at wrong times for the practice. Since Jehovah doesn't wear a mood rings we need to look closer at what the bible say about things obscene and try to imagine how Jehovah feels about flatulence

  

  The Bible shows us that Jehovah has lots of emotions, like hate, jealousy,love,regrets,angry, and the like and sometimes he has emotional build ups to the point that he wants to kill every living thing on the planet that breaths(flood of Noah's day and excelent example). As to Jehovah getting upset we see that priest were not wearing the proper type of under garments can really set him off(see Ezekiel 44:17-19 no sweaty balls allow in his temple, it makes God sad).

  Since Jehovah had his Son die for our sins will Jehovah find fault with our farting durring prayer? The answer to that question depends on whether or not the fart was done intentionally during the prayer with proper remorse or if it was caused by a monentary loss of control over the spincter muscle in the anus, in the latter case all is forgiven but for the deliberate profaners of Jehovah's prayers all we can say is: "it is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of a sad as well as angry God Jehovah, so one would really need to think twice about whether or not to let it rip durring prayer.

  mmmm
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  AndDontCallMeShirley

  Not one "evidently" in the whole article?? That makes me sad.
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  frankiespeakin

  http://www.jw.org/en/bible-teachings/family/teenagers/young-people-ask-volume-1/

  Of course Jehovah is within his rights as Universal Sovereign to put to death on the spot those who violate his provision of prayer for "His" chosen people by making obnoxious noises and smells permeate the surroundings,, but he is patient with you desireing in his heart of hearts for you to repent, seek his forgiveness, and continue on the noble course of being his worshipper and thus be spared alive when God bring destruction on everyone and 'everything' that doesn't call upon his name or profanes it. God's anger as you must well know knows no bounds just look at what happened back durring the flood and you have some idea of what we mean. God is not squimish, at least no mention of it in the bible but he does get awfully angry and yes sad too but he is mainly happy especially after he's killed a bunch of his enemies,(Yippeeee).

  So the genuinely wise course is one of "Quiet submission" to God and his holy earthly organization, before armegeddon, or else parish with the rest of this decadent world. Another words, stay on the road to everlasting life by Listening, and Obeying and thus be blessed to everlasting life in God's new world where farting will be a thing of the past due to the perfect food we will be eating,(the the Faithful and Discreet Slave feels that beans will probably be outlawed when the New Scroll get opened) which will bring farting under perfect control.

  Some have speculated that God is unconcerned about flatulence and has many more important things to do than using his almighty power to smell, feel, and hear a fart, well such ones are arrogant, speaking about things they ought not, and they are not taking seriously this timely message from the Slave, to them the darkness awaits them for their riddicule and lack of faith in the Ones God is using. Concerning such ones we give you order to stop associating with such ones or else beccome a sharer in their wicked works, which will make Jehovah very very very sad.
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  Zoos

  [EDIT] Nevermind!
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  frankiespeakin

  "" Not one "evidently" in the whole article?? That makes me sad.""

  Yup you spoted it. It's a fake good catch!

  
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  Beth Shan

  I love this so much. where can I subscribe to more articles like these?
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  Beth Shan

  
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  frankiespeakin

  http://www.jw.org/en/bible-teachings/family/teenagers/young-people-ask-volume-1/

  Studies in the past have shown that people who fart alot have looser spincter muscles which can lead to homosexuality, and sticking one finger up their rectum for a cheap thrill at Jehovah expense. Bed wetting too is a sure sign that one has not properly trained his kegel muscle sufficiently(another dirty spincter muscle). Thus the Faithful and Discreet Slave will offer a one time deal will all baptized publisher's of the Watchotwer Corporation's message to the World of avoiding the humiliation of being Disfellowshipped for the sin of 'Payer Anoxia' by a showing true form of godly repentance in the form of daily exercises to give the repentant sinner more control over this little smooth muscle which is a very serious matter because, it makes Jehovah so sad to hear farting noises from the audience when he is trying really hard to hear the prayer of the congregation which is light years away from his holy presents and is no laughing matter.

  According to the findings of repsected Governing Body member Anthony Morris this expelling gas durring prayer is a concerted plot by the vast homosexual community to get people to become more and more godless and give up serving Jehovah and povide more sexually stimulation eyes and nose candy. Thus Jehovah is against such one because they are on the side of his big enemy Satan the most obnoxious farter this planet has ever known.
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  Beth Shan

  This is all true. How do we know it's true? Because the Watchtower Society told us. Why does that matter? Because the Watchtower Society is divinely directed by Jehovah God. How do we know this to be true? Because the Watchtower Society tells us this (Insert any scripture that has nothing to do with this here to make it look like the Society knows what they are talking about).

  Questions from Readers 5/14 Do tight pants result in more farting/homosexuality? -B.S. Canada
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  frankiespeakin

  http://www.jw.org/en/bible-teachings/family/teenagers/young-people-ask-volume-1/

  It is really very simple and it all boils down to this:

  You as young people(miniture adults not big and old like us) need guidance and advice and our job as the Governing Body and watchers over your soul's everlasting future have only your very best interest in our hearts and love you dearly so we are giving you this long awaited advice on your question about farting in God's holy Kingdom Hall durring the prayer especially direct toward the part where everyone is supposed to say amen, as some sort of childish prank a sort of teenage rebellion thing that you got got going on with authority figures in the congregation.

  Well we here of the Governing Body are put you on notice to cease and desist or else be put in the disfellowshipped catagory, by facing the concequences of congregation discipline when we disfellowship you and then your parents kick you out of the house and won't even answer your emails and forget about getting an education because we know what's good for you you just keep listening to us old timmers in the truth and everything will be just fine and remember that kingdom song about "Listening,Obeying and you will be most blessed" this is not to be take lightly and it is no joke we mean business understand my little pint size friend?

  Of course you of the weaker sex maybe wonder about Jehovah's feeling about changing your femine napkins durring the prayer to avoid displeasing Jehovah, to them we give orders to refrain from such activity if one know a prayer is about begin say a time window of about 5 or 6 minutes, but jehovah being the merciful God that he is we should allow for a slight error in time keeping and in the case of an emergency not be so judgemental and extend mercy. Thus we show ourselves reasonable at all times which manify's our God Jehovah. So we are cutting our beloved sister some slack in this visitation problen and wish to extend our love through Christ who appointed us to be his Faithful and Discreet Slave may you all have peace, and not be tempting the brothers in the kingdom hall by exposing too much flesh and pants are still a no no to wear out in service unless their are sub zero tempatures like up in alaska or something and don't worry we got a nice article about beards for the brothers comming up so as to not make you feel singled out by us for a reprimand.