Ostracism more damaging than bullying

by jgnat 22 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

• 

  villagegirl

  The best defense for people who are shunned is to really start

  working on creating community in your life. Be where people are.

  Do the things you enjoy in groups. There are so many positive groups

  you can get involved in. If you are at a loss start with meetups

  http://www.meetup.com there are groups for all reasons, just go and

  socialize and be hospitable with neighbors and good people you find

  along the way, re-create yourself, don't just sit there, isolated and feeling

  blue and alone, there are always other people out there who would enjoy

  you company. You can meet people in groups that; hike, bike, like computers,

  do art projects, sewing groups, travel groups, business start up groups,

  have brunch together, writing , "Just Write"is one , there's a group

  called 'Drinkers with a Cycling Problem', and Kayakers and paddlers of Dragon Boats,

  So don't your past bad treatment at the hands of others, define your life.
• 

  sparrowdown

  When you are being bullied by name calling or verbal attacks it is hurtful but you can see it and hear it, you know it is real, it is happening, it's not your imagination. Then you can analyze the attack as to how much truth there is to it, whether or not to take it seriously, is there something you could do to improve the situation, does the other person have their own issues etc etc.

  Not so when someone renders you a non-entity by acting like you are not even there. Technically they are not doing anything to you, so you may be left with the feeling that you are the one with the problem. There is no action or words to argue with, or avenue of recourse in order to address the issue. To try to engage someone who is shunning you will only make it seem like you are harrassing them. This can leave you feeling quite powerless. It can be very damaging to you psychologically, some are driven to suicide, and as someone else has already noted, they (JW's) know that.

  Shunning is GB ordered and approved, and the elders enforce it in congregations.
• 

  villagegirl

  Shunning is ugly and abusive. I agree sparrowdown. Thats why you

  have to get out of the range of the abusers and go find new people

  or your world will be like a prison or a nightmare. You have to leave

  to save yourself and your mental health and find new community.

  Going back to meetings, while being shunned has led to suicides.
• 

  nugget

  Isolating a person from friends and family is one of the cruelest things a person can do to someone else. The casual way theat elders use this power shows a complete disregard for the emotional well being of others. They know the consequences of disfellowshipping but never take it into account. They disfellowship people "to set an example" or because they think they have to take a tough line regardless of whether a person is repentant or not. They also are influenced by others and elders family members are less likely to get disfellowshiped so whilst being hard on people with no influence they are lax on others. There is no equality, fairness or god in the process.

  Personally I was able to move on with my life and make new friends without regret. It was the impact on family that was the most poisonous thing causing my older sister to behave in a way tht did her no credit. The long lasting damage cannot be underestimated. You have to be mentaly tough to work through it.
• 

  clarity

  Sparrow ..that's it, "feeling quite powerless"

  Sometimes with the preshunning, there is a

  feeling like.......if I confront this "cold shouldering",

  maybe I am miss reading it & will feel like an idiot

  if I am wrong.....so I let it go. Crazy making business!
• 

  jgnat

  How we feel about ourselves in a large part is from how others react to us. A lot of the signals are non-verbal. Do people casually smile back at us on the street, or turn away? Do we have someone in our lives who looks us deep in the eyes every day and say that they love us, and wish us a good day?

  http://www.freehugscampaign.org/

  http://www.pinterest.com/lolohappyface/smile-its-contagious/

  Or has a parent, following their religious instruction, formally tell their child that they will no longer communicate unless it is "necessary family business"?

  The rejection is devastating, and injures both parties.

  
• 

  Vidiot

  nugget - "The casual way theat elders use this power shows a complete disregard for the emotional well being of others."

  http://www.jehovahs-witness.net/jw/friends/280465/1/How-to-spot-a-sociopath-10-red-flags-that-could-save-you-from-being-swept-under-the-influence-of-a-charismatic-nut-job#.U49Z1tT4Cmw

  The WTS's sociopathic aspect is just one contributing component in its eventual decline and stagnation.
• 

  steve2

  The "good" side to being shunned is this: When you realize they have bolted the door firmly in your face and have made unmeetable demands before they'd even be prepared to think about unbolting it, you are literally forced to re-think how you live your life and what you need to do to survive. Sure, the risk for some is to collapse into their despair and never recover; but for others, they are literally forced to draw upon that inner quality sometimes referred to as "resilience".

  As I say in my biosketch: Being disfellowshipped was initially the worst experience in my life (up until then) but it ultimately became one of the very best experiences. I clawed my way back to life and little by little over the years worked hard on myself to have the skills and wherewithal to navigate this finite, earthly life.

  I would never wish the "consequences" of being disfellowshipped on anyone - but once you're disfellowshipped it would be a damn shame not to draw anything of long-lasting value out of the experience.
• 

  steve2

  BTW, it interests me that social scientists have usually spent an inordinate amount of time on human vulnerability and far less time on human resilience factors. We do live in an age of "wound licking" and "victim protection" - these have their place to be sure. But the corresponding under studied strength and resilience factors are of inesteemable value for people who have been heart-broken and emotionally crushed. Victor Frankl's 1950s book, Mankind's Search for Meaninghas a lot to say about human resilience - but I fear it would not sit so well with the heartbreak industry that thrives in today's victim-oriented world.
• 

  jgnat

  Hey, resilience has new respect!

  I'd rather see people braced for the eventuality by building new friendships and new connections before the rug is pulled out from under them. It's all right and good to tell people to suck it up, but it's a mistake to think that people don't need each other.