Constant Craving...

SPAZnik

Friday I was dejected.
it had been a rough week.

it all came to a head and

Here’s what I craved…

trust.

I crave trust.

the word itself
the very concept
seems mythological
and utterly fantastic
to me.

there are times when I
feel like I can’t trust
anyone.

admittedly
this has been an issue
from birth.
my father
being who he is…
human nature being
what it is…
jw conditioning being
what it is…

up until now I’ve been
able to “handle” peoples
scandalous
untrustworthiness…

but I guess leaving the borg
has turned this into
a larger wound.

i don’t like this in me.

i don’t want to consider
everyone’s motives
as “suspect”.

i mean, i hate
when others jump to
conclusions
especially inaccurate ones
about my motives.

i guess I need to be
cautious.
i don't want it to
"harden" me.

i end up left with
varying "degrees" of
trust
each relationship
being different.

but still i seek
that ever elusive dream
called trust.

in the process
i end up so sick of peoples
untrustworthiness
that I do the only
things I can to
"control" it…
like
wearing my "poker face" (game face)
sending so many
mixed signals myself
both verbal and nonverbal
that yes

I end up
skewing their view of me
and in the process
if there is a trustworthy
Soul out there
they can’t believe what they see
in me
bcuz hell
now I’M the one
that can’t be trusted
(At face value anyway)

I crave trust.

i know such changes
don’t happen overnight.
sometimes I just get
Impatient.

i am left craving it.

fantasizing about it.

a life of trustworthy
friendships
relationships.

where the other peoples motives are pure
free of powerhungry
greed for whatever is on
their personal agenda
at any cost to others.

i guess this is part of my issue
with “god” himself, right now

SPAZ

termite 35

SPAZ, a big hug to you georgeous XX

I too have reason not to trust... but still do;everytime; it's almost like..if I didn't allow myself to trust i'd let others destroy a part of my personality that helps me to find so many good people amomg the crappy ones...I've been unhappy drawing back- get out there and they'll come to you;I have...!! XXX

Introspection

In terms of things, you have no choice but to trust. It's kind of hard to interact in the world if you don't trust that people or things will respond in a certain way, so of course we have certain general agreements in how we deal with each other.

But I understand what you're saying about trust, a trust from your heart. It seems to me this kind of distrust stem from a desire for security, a desire to know that you can know such and such, and that you won't be hurt or disappointed. There's also a desire for certainty in there, but of course we never really know what's going to happen in life.

As far as people are concerned, though, I think what we need to look at is integrity. Frankly, we need to distinguish between our own reasons for not trusting and reasons others actually give us. In other words, is it really a reason? Ultimately, there is the question of trusting our own mind. Can you really believe in the distrust it generates? I think these are some questions we can ask, yet at the same time you can have an attitude of acceptance toward your own lack of trust and the behavior of others.

Maybe you've known somebody who is not so mature, so you wouldn't trust them to any important responsibilities. But just because you can't trust them with any big responsibilities it doesn't mean they are a bad person right? It could be an innocent child. This may sound strange, but I think what you can do is to think of your distrusting mind in this way. You accept it for what it is, and you wouldn't trust it's distrusting nature. As long as there is no condemnation there, I think that will be okay. You don't have to force it to change, (which will most likely make it stay longer) but once you accept it you might just find it changes on its own. See, as I see it you can't trust distrust to stay either.

So as far as motives go, if your motives are pure, ultimately you will find the same in others. It doesn't mean you won't be hurt by those who don't have a pure motive, and it may take a long time. But it is because you yourself have a pure motive that you can see it in others, and see when it is not in others. Hope this helps.

radar

Spaznik

You express your feelings in words well, almost like a poet.

After my exit from the Watchtower I felt my trust was betrayed.

Recently I almost lost my Job because of the deceptiveness of those who I worked with, my trust was hit hard.

Now I try to play the game but my heart is not in it.

Such is life.

SYN

Get a dog. Or better yet, get a cat. You have to earn a cat's trust!

"Vaccination has never saved a human life. It does not prevent smallpox." The Golden Age, Feb 4 1931 p. 293-4 - The Sacredness of Human Blood (Reasons why vaccination is unscriptural)

SPAZnik

Hey, Great comments!

termite 35 - thanks much for your optimism it's very encouraging. hugs back atcha! luv the pic!

Introspection - wow. thx for all your thoughts here. you really seemed to understand what i wuz saying. yes, a trust from the heart. i'm sure that i'm somewhat hyper-sensitive right now on the issue. not all the time, but at times, in various relationships, especially the ones that MATTER most to me, i grapple with the fear of being "rejected" or "judged" if i express who i really am. of course being shunned by everyone i've known-and-loved for all my life takes a big bite outta my tolerance levels on this. on top of rejection and judgement i am sick to death of conflict. i guess because of that, i sometimes "censor" my remarks accordingly, (i can't outright lie to save my life, but i can and have said nothing, and controlled my body language so "they" don't know what i'm really thinking/feeling) i am super-alert to any double-meanings and particularly contradictions in what people say and do. and yes, integrity is necessary. i will keep waging war against this "fear" tho' and be brave enuf to be whoever the hell i am and to keep my motives pure. what you said about no condemnation is true too. i know i need more practise @ trusting myself and with allowing myself to be who i am before i can expect others to be trustworthy too. after all this rambling it seems i'm mainly trying to trust my own ability to continually survive peoples judgements (can't get around that, people are the most judgemental creatures i've ever met). and i'm trying to find the ones trustworthy enough to not to try and force this square peg into their round hole. i'll start small. thx again for contributing your thoughts.

radar - thx for your comment about my writing. sorry u r having twust twubbles two. hang in der. don't play der games. hell, make up yer own rules. just don't lose heart!

SYN - good call! i have a cat. she's the greatest. maybe i'll try a dog too. i hear they are unconditional in their affection!

Thanks all! This has been a good sounding board on this one! Gave me s'more to chew on!

SPAZ

beckyboop

Spaz and Introspection and everyone else too:

Your words moved me to tears over and over again. I have been struggling with that very thing myself, trusting myself and others--and my wonderful boyfriend Jonathan has had to deal with all my varying degrees of depression as a result. That's the saddest part I think--that we end up hurting those we love the most because we don't know how to trust them. And although I don't have any better answers to how to get past that, the one thing that has helped ME the most was hearing and reading about other's experiences, emotions, feelings--whatever they were feeling at that particular time.

Thanks everyone for your words that are obviously right out of your heart--it's so healing for me and I'm sure many others.

Becky

animal

I trust, and am trusted... to the point that I hear things from people that I dont want to hear, because I keep my mouth shut. I follow my "gut" on the trust thing with others, but that comes from year on the street which most long-term JW's dont have.

Mind you, I wasnt always that way... I lied, cheated, stole, and dealt (fill in the blank) to survive, but I got away from it. Even those that didnt trust me once, do now.

My point... follow your gut. It will never let you down. If it feels wrong, dont do it. If it seems like a lie, it probly is. But to get trust, you have to trust. They go hand in hand.

Animal

SPAZnik

beckyboop - thanks for the words. i'm glad you've made progress on this and kudos to Jonathan for helpin'. i too have been fortunate this past month as a childhood non-dub friend has suddenly reappeared in my life more so now that i'm not a dub anymore. he's been a real 'rock' for me. so nice to have someone i trust around. helps me remember what trust feels like.

animal - yep you do seem the trustworthy sort. maybe it's the biker image. thems some good peoples for the most part on that count (stereotypically speaking of course lol). the gut thing is true though and that is something i've been trying to get in better touch with...trusting my gut. it doesn't lie. i'm working on it. your comments on that touch home for me. i think the main thing i'm learning to do is to trust myself.

SPAZ

aprostate

I just wanted to thank you for your post about trust. It really touched my heart and was expressed beautifully.

Cheri

Constant Craving...

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