Cognitive Dissonance in a Relationship

by voodoo lady 16 Replies latest jw friends

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  voodoo lady

  It's a familiar feeling, not unlike the experience we might have within organised religion.

  I never really experienced this within org as I exited when I was a teenager. The problems and incongruencies that became apparent during that time seemed simply a result of developing a fully-functioning brain. It helped me become well-versed in recognising the signs, however.

  Perhaps the feeling I'm trying to describe isn't as much "cognitive dissonance," but more "trying to maintain the status quo, and having a really hard time doing it." They seem related, but perhaps that's just my perception.

  Has anyone else made this comparison with their personal relationships?
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  stuckinarut2

  Interesting question!

  Do you mean a situation where one knows that the relationship is not right, or is not working, or is not healthy, but is unable to go from being 'mentally out' to being 'physically out' of that relationship?
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  voodoo lady

  That's precisely what I mean!
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  stuckinarut2

  Then, yes...sadly, that describes many witness relationships I know of....mine included sadly....
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  voodoo lady

  I'm sure it does describe many relationships within the org, particularly when allegiance goes to men in Brooklyn at the expense of the person with whom the real relationship is being conducted.

  Stuckinarut2, you put it perfectly when you said: "one knows that the relationship is not right, or is not working, or is not healthy, but is unable to go from being 'mentally out' to being 'physically out' of that relationship".

  I'd be interested to hear experiences both within, and outside of JW-constrained relationships.
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  berrygerry

  Do you mean something like when your spouse says: "if you make me choose between Jehovah's elders and you, then I choose Jehovah."?
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  voodoo lady

  I can imagine how often that's heard in JW land. I never had a partner tell me that, but I remember my mother telling me (when I was a very young girl) "I love Jehovah more than you."

  But what I'm really talking about here is wanting to get out of a situation that's ultimately making you unhappy, but staying as long as you can because you don't want to jeopardise other things. You know, the way people are often reluctant to leave a marriage because they don't want their children to be hurt, or because they don't want to lose 50% custody. I can understand why someone would reason this way in the earlier stages of wanting to leave, and it seems not unlike wanting to exit a high-control religious group and being concerned with how many sacrifices you have to make to cut yourself loose.

  But I think that whatever the situation, perpetual pretending really wears a person down.
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  stuckinarut2

  Yes voodoo lady....I am worn out from pretending!

  in fact I'm exhausted, and not happy at all...bordering on flat...

  Both from pretending in the Org, and pretending in my relationship...
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  voodoo lady

  SIAR2, it sounds exhausting on both fronts. I'm sure there's virtually nowhere you can let your guard down and just say what you feel. Except here.
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  offgrid5150

  Lord this sounds like me. It's truly a tough situation. Sad thing is the wife is very intelligent, but when it comes the the org, it's the sacred cow. So, it's like this huge blind spot. Saddens me, because even though we have great moments together, not all is "right" between us. Our brains are in different places unfortunately.