I agree with and can relate to all the posts. I especially agree with and feel like Dis-Member, Iown Mylife, wearewatchingyouman, zophar, & tornapart.
I don't know what to believe anymore. I have looked to the sky and begged for answers late at night all alone under the stars. I have tried addressing a potential deity in different ways; I have tried "Jehovah", "Jesus", and general terms like "Creator", "Sovereign", "Father", "any superhuman being who can hear me", etc. So far, all I have received is complete silence. But I still hold to the hope that there is a superhuman being who wants and is able to help.
The more I learn about the Bible (the history of it, how the books were chosen, etc.), the more I fear that it's not what it claims to be. I hope it is, but I just don't know. I want it to be true. I want the suffering, misery, injustice, etc. to stop. Being an animal lover, I am horrified by the suffering of animals in the wild and in captivity, and one of the reasons I always wanted the new world to come is that I thought it would stop the suffering of animals.
My wife and I both fear now that we're all just on our own. I wish, if there were a God, that he would make the search for him easier.
Hey zophar, a few years ago, the smartest and most studious and knowledgeable elder in my circuit (or probably that I've ever known) mentioned that verse (1 Co 13:12 - "For at present we see in hazy outline by means of a metal mirror"). He was frustrated and was making the point that we as JWs (including the GB) have a long way to go - we just see a hazy outline right now. He's no longer an elder and I know he has issues with the org. He's a very kind, humble man.
If any of you come across anything that would help me in my searches and seeekings - books, miscellaneous points, personal thoughts, etc. - please share on this forum or by PM.