Fading, Stopping Meetings, DA or DF'ing, Thoughts on Getting the Hell Out Of There

by OnTheWayOut 36 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

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  OnTheWayOut

  So I read some threads about why someone remains a ministerial servant or elder, or why they are still active JW's. Others are telling stories about how they cut back slowly, and some of them got removed as MS/Elder/Pioneer or whatever. Yet others tell of how they just up and stopped going one day. And of course there are those that got kicked out to learn the truth about "the truth" (TTATT), or got kicked out because they learned TTATT.

  Various reasons are given concerrning family and shunning. Those certainly are important things to consider. I just wanted to allow for a discussion on different thoughts on how you feel or what did or did not work.

  As for me, I was an elder in a foreign language congregation, learning the language. I did a very fast fade, resigning from the elder body over doubts and cutting back in about 8 to 9 months and then I was totally faded. After a couple months went by from resigning as an elder, I turned in a field service report of "Zero" so they knew I didn't just forget to turn it in.

  I faded like this mainly for my JW mother's sake. I will grant that not everyone can get away with it like I did. But others have suggested just quitting without any fading. Yet others suggested staying around to help my wife to get out. I am glad I didn't try to do that because my wife hasn't budged on any efforts I have made to open her eyes to TTATT.

  And while just quitting was a great idea, I might have caused an obligatory response from the elders.
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  OneEyedJoe

  Personally, I'm going to stick it out to try and win my wife...but if it weren't for my wife, I litterally would never have gone back after the day that I essentially read all the content of JWfacts. If I get DF'd in the process of trying to get my wife to see the truth, it won't really hurt me much. All my family is in, but I've always been something of a black sheep and don't really see them much anyway. I figure getting DF'd might even help to wake up my wife (when she sees shunning at a personal level) and I won't have to make up excuses for not going.
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  Pistoff

  I have faded over a number of years, for a couple reasons.

  I know that if I had abruptly left and confronted my wife, it would not have worked; now though she is herself seeing the org for what it is and appears to be slowly fading herself.
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  Honesty

  I tried to fade.

  It worked for about 3 years with me telling the 'brothers' that I was too tired and depressed to go to meetings.

  Then, my uber dub spouse decided to press the issue and really get the 'brothers' involved with my doubts.

  The end result...

  I couldn't take the constant hounding from the spouse so we split and a year and a half later I DA'd when DA'ng was still announced as "xxx xx xxxx has DA'd from the (cough, cough) 'Christian' (they are kidding, right?) congregation.
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  objectivetruth

  The Lies, The Elitist Attitude, and the Hate became too much for me.. I told my wife about TTATT, and after she was convinced, We both attended one last meeting, and never returned. Since then we have been actively Un-Witnessing to friends & family.
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  ducatijoe

  This is up to YOU, and YOU alone.

  I chose to leave. I too was an Elder for many years. I have no ill will for those who stay. It is a safe life.

  I do miss my family, but it is they who will not talk to me.

  Life outside can be great, however I do see many on this site that are messed up. No doubt they were taht way when they were in too.

  Have no fear!!! Anyone who wants CAN get out!

  Never been happier!
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  stuckinarut2

  Its a real battle to work out the right way to depart...

  Yes, each person has to do what suits their circumstances best...but as I am learning...the longer one takes to "rip off the bandage", the more self harm results...

  My family is the reason I havent just walked out of the hall never to return...

  I sometimes think as I am leaving a meeting. 'what if I just never came back...this is my last'....

  BUT I am worried that if I do that instant thing, it may actually cause my family to "batten down the hatches" and become even more entrenched in "the truth"

  If I left or was kicked out, then the family would get "love bombed" and treated like heros by the eldes and cong, so they may just harden their hearts toward me...not sympathise or soften their view!
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  OnTheWayOut

  One Eyed Joe, I was disagreeing with another poster about "staying for the wife" but it worked out awesome for him when he hung back and waited for her, so who am I to know? I just knew that I had to go for my own mental health.

  Pistoff, good for you. My wife is going to a convention this weekend (while I go to Tahoe Apostafest) and she actually just got a henna tattoo (temporary) on each of her ankles. That would have been such a no-no back in the day. She doesn't even know she is starting to cave in on "their" rules and guidelines.

  Honesty, sorry it didn't work out. So many times I thought I would have preferred the clean break of a DA but my fade has worked out.

  objectivetruth, I have met a good number of people like you and your wife who left together after a realization of the lies. Great.

  ducatijoe, great message there- Have no fear!!! Anyone who wants CAN get out!
  If I had to leave behind family that must follow the rules and put cult ahead of blood, I would still have left the JW's.

  stuckinarut2, each must find their own path. I wish you the best.
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  sparrowdown

  While I respect the fact that each person can and should make their own decision based on their own needs.

  The concern I have with staying to "support" others is this.

  We all seem to agree that this religion is a high control group and that there are real dangers associated with groupthink.

  This is one of them.

  Generally speaking when people are in a group, individual responsibiltiy for action becomes diffused and therefore weakened.

  Most in the group will assume that if no one else is complaining or walking out or saying "to hell with this"

  then everyone else must be ok with it and that there is no real problem. Human nature.

  So each time you sit through a meeting with no apparent problem with it you are actually contributing to this illusion of ok-ness.

  Others in the hall look over at you and think

  "oh bro/sis so-and-so is here and they seem fine with this so everything must be fine,

  and wow they have even brought their hus/wife along that's great"

  Possibly an oversimplification of the group-ok effect but there you have it.

  Face it, no one wants to be the first to leave a theatre, but if someone else does it can start a chain reaction.
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  OnTheWayOut

  Sparrowdown, I tend to agree with you. I am not so much interested in my "influence" over everyone in the congregation, but that is a factor too. I am particularly interested in what staying quiet in your seat can do with a loved one- the way they might think everything is okay in the Kingdom Hall because I would still be there.

  Yes, I would rather say everything is not okay so I left. I hope you look at why I left.