The (Un)holy Scriptures

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  processor

  A while ago I wrote the (Un)holy Scriptures in German. Originally I considered them untranslatable, but I decided to give it a try. So here is the first of ten books.

  https://unzj.wordpress.com/die-unechten-zeugen-jehovas/the-unholy-scriptures/the-book-of-cellulose/

  The book of Cellulose

  In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with man, and the word was a woman. And there came to be evening and there came to be morning, a two-hundred-and-eighty-fourth day. And man went on to say: “It is not good for the woman to continue with me alone. I am going to make a shoe store for her, as a complement of her.” Now the man was forming from every wild beast of the field shoes, and he began bringing them to the woman to see what she would call each one; and whatever the woman would call it, each pair of shoes, that was its name.

  So the woman was calling the names of all the flat shoes and high heels and of every sandal, but for man there was found no beverage as a complement of him. And man went on to say: “Let the brewery cause beer to shoot forth, multiple beers according to their types.” And man proceeded to make the two great beer types, the normal beer for dominating the day and the strong beer for dominating the night.

  And man went on to say: “Let the woman swarm forth a swarm of tasty dishes, escalope and pork roast and roast potatoes and apple pie.” And it came to be so. That is why a man will leave his father and his mother and he must stick to his wife and they must eat flesh.

  Now the woman proved to prepare a dish from fruit trees yielding fruit according to their kinds. And the man began to say to the woman: “Is it really so that God said we must eat vegetables? They might be toxic!” At this the woman said to the man: “We positively will not die. For God knows that vegetables are healthy.”

  Consequently the man saw that the woman was something to be longed for to the eyes, yes, she was desirable to look upon. So the eyes of him became opened and he began to realize that she was naked. Later they heard the voice of the mailman delivering the parcels about the breezy part of the day. And the mailman kept calling to the man and saying to him: “Where are you?” Finally he said: “Your voice I heard in the garden, but I was afraid because I was naked and so I had to dress first.” At that he said: “Here is a Zappos delivery for your wife.” With that the man said to the woman: “What is this you have done?” To this the woman replied: “The shoes – they were cheap, and it was a special offer with free shipping!”

  Now Adam had intercourse with Eve his wife and she became pregnant. In time she gave birth to Cain and Abel. And Abel came to be a herder of sheep, but Cain became a cultivator of the ground. And it came about at the expiration of some time that Cain proceeded to prepare a dish from fruits and vegetables for his parents. But as for Abel, he prepared a lamb of his flock, even its fatty pieces. Now while Adam was looking with favor upon Abel and his roast lamb, he did not look with any favor upon Cain and upon his vegetable stew. And Cain grew hot with great anger, and he said: “If you eat vegetables, will there not be health?”

  In the course of time, Adam and Eve had more children and grandchildren. One of them was Noah, a righteous man. And he listened to Cain’s advice and said: “The end of all flesh has come before me, and here I will start eating nothing but fruits and vegetables.” And Noah proceeded to build a zoo. And he proceeded to build an elephant house, three hundred cubits its length, fifty cubits its width, and thirty cubits its height. And of every living creature of every sort of flesh, two of each he kept in his zoo. And he charged an entrance fee and earned money, and so he could sustain himself and his family. Now God said to the man: “Today is Saturday. Be dreadful and become many and fill the shops and the malls.” And so it came to be.

  And Cush made a cushy cushion for his bed and became father to Nimrod. In his time men began to say, each one to the other: “Come on! Let us build ourselves a Watchtower, and since too many carbs are noxious, we will write upon it, ‘Eat fruits, and vegetables, daily.’” Accordingly man ate less bread, and they gradually left off building the city because they became too weak. Finally the King said to his wife: “Hurry! Get three seah measures of fine flour, knead the dough and make round cakes.” Afterwards he caused a cry to pass through his city, saying: “Come here, be gathered together to the great coffee table of the Queen!” And all the people were filled from the cake parts.

  Now after these things it came about that the chief of the bakers sinned against the King. And the King said to him: “Have you sinned against your lord, the King, by using chemical additives and ready-to-bake mixes?” Accordingly he charged someone else with bread baking. But the former chief of the bakers he hung up.

  And it came about at the end of two full years that Pharaoh was watching TV. And there ascending out of the river Nile were seven stupid cows, and they were beautiful in appearance and skinny. And there were seven other, even more stupid cows ascending after them out of the river Nile. And the King told his dream to Joseph, and then Joseph said to Pharaoh: “The seven stupid cows are seven actresses. And the seven even more stupid cows are seven contestants of talent shows. May the King not be afraid; fourteen crocodiles will come and eat up the seven stupid cows as well as the seven even more stupid cows.”
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  https://unzj.wordpress.com/die-unechten-zeugen-jehovas/the-unholy-scriptures/the-book-of-dextrose-hexodus/

  The book of Dextrose (Hexodus)

  Finally a man appeared in Egypt; his name was Moses. And he was stopped by the police because his donkey had been too fast, and the policeman said to him: “Stick your hand, please, into the upper fold of your garment.” So he stuck his hand into the upper fold of his garment. When he drew it out, why, here his hand was stricken with leprosy like snow! After that the policeman said: “You are arrested for drug possession and for riding under the influence of drugs.” And Moses tried to defend his rights in court, but he was slow of mouth and slow of tongue. So he was sentenced to forty years in prison.

  At the end of ten years Moses issued a request by saying: “Send me away, for the prison here is flooded with frogs!” But then it happened, before the King could decide about the request, that a power outage caused a gloomy darkness in all the land of Egypt for three days. So Moses was able to flee, and he hid at the Red Sea.

  Finally Moses meandered around there. He resolved that if he would ever return to a civilized life, he and his descendants would follow these ten commandments:

  You must not install any mirrors, so that you shall not see your ugly face.

  You must not use the beer in a worthless way, for the brewery will not leave the one unpunished who uses its beer in a worthless way.

  Remembering the Monday, the Tuesday, the Wednesday, the Thursday, the Friday, the Saturday, and the Sunday to hold it sacred, you must not do any work, you nor your washing machine nor your dishwasher nor your vacuum cleaner nor your lawn mower.

  Honor your cow and her butter in order that your cakes may prove tasty.

  You must not murder, except for persons you dislike.

  You must not marry, then you cannot commit adultery.

  You must become rich, then you do not need to steal.

  You must not use your testicles falsely, for example, in the house of your fellowman.

  You must not desire the debts of your fellowman who has built a house and married a wife.

  Finally Moses wandered about for forty years, first through the wilderness of Sinai, then through the land of Canaan and through Asia Minor. There he settled among the Turks for a while, sold kebap with unfermented bread, and raised a family. Many centuries later his descendants moved on to the United States, and they began to say: “How we remember the fish that we used to purchase at the Market in Turkey, the cucumbers and the watermelons and the leeks and the onions and the garlic! But now our soul is dried away. Our eyes are on nothing at all except the Walmart!”

  While the sons of Moses were continuing to live in the United States, they once found a man going into the ministry on Saturday. Then those who found him offering Watchtower magazines brought him up to the whole assembly. So they committed him into custody, because it had not been distinctly stated what should be done to him. In time one of the elders said to them: “Strictly speaking, the man should be put to death, the whole assembly pelting him with stones outside the city. But being limited by the laws of the worldly nation in which we live, we can take action against apostates only to a certain extent.” So they kept holding the man in custody.

  And during the night a vision appeared to the man: a certain Muslim man was standing and entreating him and saying: “Step over into Afghanistan and help us.” Now as soon as he had seen the vision, he asked for permission to go to Afghanistan to preach the Good News of JW.ORG there. So they let him go and brought him to the Afghan embassy, where he got a Visa.

  Now when the elder returned to his apartment, look, there was a hare escaped from its cage, causing dirt everywhere. And the elder proceeded to say to the hare: “Because you have done this thing, you are the cursed one out of all the domestic animals and out of all the wild beasts of the field. Upon your feet you will scamper and carrots are what you will eat all the days of your life. And I shall put enmity between you and the fox and between your ears and his teeth. He will bruise you in the ears and you will run away from him.”

  Consequently the elder saw that the dirt was abundant in his apartment and every item of furniture was full of dust everywhere. And the elder felt regrets that the dust and the dirt were everywhere, and he felt hurt at his heart. So the elder said: “I am going to wipe dust and dirt which has formed off the surface of the furniture, from dresser to bedroom closet, to chair and to sofa, to three-legged table and to four-legged table, because I do regret that I have not done it before.”

  Now it came about in spring that the elder wanted to visit a mediaeval market. And he put on his garment and took his sword and was about to leave the house when suddenly two criminal investigation officers stood in front of the door. And they said to him: “You are coming to us with a sword and with a spear and with a javelin, but we are coming to you with a search warrant on behalf of the Watchtower Society, whose Kingdom Melodies you have downloaded illegally. This day we will gather evidence, and the Watchtower Society will certainly sue you and remove your money off you.”

  The Elder, for his part, refused to let the officers into his house. Thus they laid hands upon him and put him in the public place of custody. But during the night a member of the Pirate Party opened the doors of the prison, brought the elder out and said: “Be on your way! I have convinced the court that the Kingdom Melodies are not protectable works within the meaning of the copyright law.”

  And the elder came out of prison, and he became older and older. Finally the time came near where he should be gathered to his forefathers. So he called his congregation together, and he said these words: “In the beginning God created moth and rust. Now the moth proved to be the most cautious of all the wild beasts of the night. So it began to dwell in Eves wardrobe. But does not the soul mean more than food and the body than clothing? Observe intently the birds of heaven, because they do not go to work or purchase groceries, but they steal their food from your fields. Are you not more important than they are? Who of you by going to work can add one cubit to his life span? So never be anxious and say, ‘What are we to fuel?’ For your heavenly Father created the rust, because he knows your cars need it.

  And he went to the toilet, and when he returned, he continued to say: “Gods invisible qualities are clearly smelt from the world’s creation onward, because they are perceived by the things made. And by God’s canalization the odor of the knowledge will be distributed in all the inhabited earth for a witness to all the nations; and then the plumber will come. Therefore, when you catch sight of the disgusting thing that causes debt lying in your mailbox, (let the reader remember former craftsmen’s bills,) then let those dwelling there begin fleeing to the inner chambers. Let the man in the basement not come up to open the door to the bailiff.”

  Now the elder fell asleep. Meanwhile his wife came home, and all those present said to her: “Your husband is sleeping; leave him alone.” So she said: “Stop taking me for a fool, for he is not sleeping but died.” So, after making a whip of ropes, she drove all those present out of her house. Later she buried her husband at the central cemetery.
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  jw07

  HAHA LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL HAHAHAHAHA! This is too funny!
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  jw07

  I think this is more logical than the bible.
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  processor

  https://unzj.wordpress.com/die-unechten-zeugen-jehovas/the-unholy-scriptures/the-first-book-of-cubicles/

  The First Book of Cubicles

  And it came about at the time of evening that a man called David proceeded to rise from his bed. He switched on the TV, and in the TV he caught sight of a woman bathing herself, and the woman was very good in appearance. Then David called the displayed number and inquired about the woman and someone said: “This call is three shekels sixteen gerahs per minute. You will be connected in a moment. Did you already know our Website www.queen-of-sheba.com? You will be connected in a moment. Please be patient.” While David was waiting, look, his wife returned home, and he hung up.

  Meanwhile there was a prophet named Elijah, and he had noticed that the people drank different types of beer. Then Elijah gathered all the people on Therese’s Hill in Jerusalem and said: “How long will you be drinking two different types of beer? If Highnecken is the true beer, go drinking it; but if Baalweiser is, get drunk from it.” Elijah went on to say to the gathered drinkers: “Take four hundred and fifty bottles of your favorite beer, and drink out of it, all of you; and it must occur that the beer that makes intoxicated first is the true beer.” To this all the people answered and said: “The thing is good.”

  Accordingly they took the beer bottles that he gave them. Then they drank out of it from morning till noon, saying: “Cheers!” And it came about at noon that Elijah began to mock the Highnecken drinkers and say: “Drink at the top of your throat! Do you not have excrement and have to go to the privy?” And they began drinking at the top of their throat and raising their glasses according to their custom, until they caused beer to flow out upon them. But there was no intoxication, and there was no one lying unconscious on the ground.

  At length Elijah said to all the people: “Approach the Baalweiser drinkers! There is not one who would still be able to stand.” Then he said: “Fill four large jars with water and pour it upon the drunks.” Then he said: “Do it again.” So they did it again. And it came about when the had done it for five times that one of the drunks woke up for a moment, burped, and fell asleep again. When all the people saw it, they immediately fell upon their faces and said: “Baalweiser is the true beer! Baalweiser is the true beer!”

  Now all the people went to their homes, and David went home to his wife, filled with holy beer. Later it came about that David’s wife became pregnant and gave birth to a son, and David called him Slalomon, according to his favorite sports. And Slalomon grew up and became a famous skier.

  And the beery spirit came upon David. And David proceeded to invent many songs and write them into a book. And David called the book “The Qualms.” And whenever someone in Israel could not sleep, they read this book to him, and he fell asleep at once.
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  https://unzj.wordpress.com/die-unechten-zeugen-jehovas/the-unholy-scriptures/the-qualms/

  The Qualms

  Happy is the man that has not walked in the counsel of the Watchtower, and in the ministry has not gone out, and in the Kingdom Hall has not sat. But his delight is in thinking for himself. Whoever has done that will certainly become like a tree planted in the desert, that dries up in its season and the foliage of which does wither, and nothing he does will succeed.

  Why have Jehovah’s Witnesses been in tumult and the circuit overseers themselves kept muttering an empty thing? The elders take their stand and the members of the Governing Body themselves have massed together as one against the apostates and against their publications, saying: “Let us tear their writings apart and cast their websites away from us!” The very one sitting in front of his computer will laugh; an apostate himself will hold them in derision. At that time he will disturb them, saying: “I, even I, have published my truth on my website, my holy blog. We will break the Watchtower with an iron scepter, as though a potter’s vessel we will dash it to pieces.” And now, o Jehovah’s Witnesses, exercise insight; let yourselves be corrected, o preachers of the earth. Leave the Watchtower with fear and be joyful with trembling.

  The wise one has said in his heart: “There is no Jehovah. All those worshipping him have acted ruinously, they have acted detestably in their dealing. There is no one doing good. As for Jehovah’s Witnesses, they have looked down upon the worldlings, to see whether there exists anyone wanting to study the Bible with them. They have all turned aside, they are all alike corrupt; there is no one doing good, not even one. I became upset when they were saying to me: “To the house of Jehovah let us go.” Our feet proved to be standing within your gates, o Kingdom Hall.

  O brewery, who will be a guest in your tent? Who will reside at your holy Oktoberfest? He who is walking intoxicated and practicing drinking in time and singing drinking songs in his heart. He has eaten with his tongue. His money he has given out on beer. He that is doing these things will be made to totter. Those sowing seed with hops and malt will reap even with a joyful cry.

  The law of Jehovah is defect, bringing back the Mediaeval Ages. The reminder of Jehovah is unworthy, making the wise one inexperienced. The orders from Jehovah are unright, defiling the heart. The commandment of Jehovah is mean, making the eyes blind. For a day in his courtyards is worse than a thousand elsewhere.

  Jehovah is my shepherd. I shall lack nothing. In grassy pastures he makes me lie down; by the slaughterhouse he conducts me. My flesh he roasts. He leads me to lush meadows for his stomach’s sake.

  I have not sat with men of untruth; and with those who study the Watchtower I do not come in. I have hated the congregation of Jehovah’s Witnesses, and with the wicked ones I do not sit. I shall wash my hands in innocency itself. Jehovah, I have hated the dwelling of your house and the place of the residing of your witnesses. One thing I have asked from Jehovah—it is what I shall look for, that I may not have to enter the house of Jehovah again all the days of my life. Happy is the man in whose cupboard is no Watchtower.

  Taste and see that pork roast is good, o you people; happy is the able-bodied man that has it on his plate. O brewery, send out your beer and your wheat beer. May these themselves lead me. There will come to be plenty of beer on the earth; on the top of the mountains there will be an overflow. Unless the drunkard himself drinks the beer, it is to no avail that its brewers have worked hard on it.

  As for me, my feet had almost turned aside, my steps had nearly been made to slip. For I became envious of the Jehovah’s Witnesses, when I would see their paradise images. For they claim that they have no deathly pangs and their paunch would become fat. Look! These are the wicked, who are at ease indefinitely. They have increased their hours of field service. Surely it is in vain that they are going from house to house. And I kept considering so as to know this; it was a trouble in my eyes, until I proceeded to come into the Kingdom Hall. I wanted to discern their future. Surely on slippery ground is where they are standing. O how they have become an object of astonishment as in a moment! How they have reached their end, have been brought to their finish through sudden terrors! “All the meeting places of God must be burned in the land.” For there is a cup in the hand of Jehovah, and the wine is foaming, it is full of mixture.

  Anyone dwelling in the secret place of sanity will procure himself lodging under the very shadow of reason. They themselves will deliver you from the trap of the Watchtower, from the pestilence causing adversities. You will not be afraid of the devil by night, nor of the elders that ring by day, nor of the end of the month where you have to submit your field service report, nor of the destruction that is called Armageddon. A thousand go witnessing and ten thousand will try to convert you; to you it will not come near. Only with your eyes will you look on and see the predictions of Jehovah’s Witnesses fail. No calamity will befall you.

  Sing to Randy Jackson a new song. Sing for the jury, all you entrants of the talent show!

  As for this sea so great and wide, there are submarine cables without number, fiber cables, small as well as great. There the nuclear waste barrels lie; as for the ships, them you have formed to sink in it.

  The utterance of the rail rider to the newly boarded passenger is: “Sit at my right hand until the one who has reserved the seat will appear.” The cap of his power the conductor will show, saying: “Any more fares?”

  Miserable is the man in fear of Jehovah, in whose commandments he has taken very much delight. Ignorant in the earth his offspring will become. Witnessing bags and bound Watchtower volumes are in his house; and his obligation to preach is standing forever.

  The idols of the nations are silver and gold. A mouth they have, but they cannot speak; eyes they have, but they cannot see; ears they have, but they cannot hear. A nose they have, but they cannot smell. Hands are theirs, but they cannot feel. Feet are theirs, but they cannot walk; they utter no sound with their throat. Jehovah, on the other hand, does not have a mouth, but he also cannot speak. He does not have eyes, and he also cannot see. Ears he does not have, and he cannot hear; a nose he does not have, and he cannot smell. Hands are not his, and he cannot feel; feet are not his, and he cannot walk. He does not even have a throat with which he could utter a sound.
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  https://unzj.wordpress.com/die-unechten-zeugen-jehovas/the-unholy-scriptures/the-book-of-ikehjah/

  The Book of Ikehjah

  There happened to be a man in the land of Klutz whose name was Ikehjah. And his furniture stock got to be seven thousand chairs and three thousand cupboards and five hundred sitting room suites, along with a very large amount of smaller items; and that man came to be the greatest of all the furniture salesmen. Now it came to be the day when the people entered the furniture store to purchase pieces of furniture, and a man named Blahtan proceeded to enter right among them.

  Then Ikehjah said to Blahtan: “Where do you come from?” At that Blahtan answered Ikehjah and said: “From roving about in the store and from walking about in it.” And Ikehjah went on to say to Blahtan: “Have you set your heart upon this living room suite, that there is no one like it in the earth, a piece of furniture blameless and upright, beautiful and turning aside from stains?” At that Blahtan answered Ikehjah and said: “Is it for nothing? Have not you yourself determined a high price for this living room suite? But, for a change, make a good offer, and see whether we will not purchase the living room suite instantly.” Accordingly Ikehjah said to Blahtan: “Look! The living room suite is in your hand. Only give me all your money, after all I need to support my ten children!” So Blahtan went out away from the person of Ikehjah.

  In time God sent the prophet Osamjah the Terrorite, and he was teaching in all of Afghanistan and Pakistan and as far as New York. And God was with him, and his name became great among the Islamites. And it came about that, as soon as Obamjah, the son of Barack, the man of the true God, heard that Osamjah had received his friend Abottabadjah, he at once came with his horses and his war chariots and stood at the entrance of the house of Osamjah. However, Obamjah sent a messenger to him, saying: “Going there, you must bathe seven times in the North Arabian Sea.” At this Osamjah grew indignant and turned and went away in a rage.

  Meanwhile in Israel, it came to be that Slalomon, the son of David, ended his skiing career. He had been around a lot, and so he could speak three thousand proverbs. And he was wiser than any other person, than Sarah the Palinite and Gerrit and David and George the son of George. To earn money he published a book with his best proverbs and called it “The Proverbs of Slalomon.”

  Then Slalomon was led by the advertisement up into a phone shop to be tempted by the salesman. After he had learned about forty phones and forty tariffs, then he felt confused. Also, the salesman came and said to him: “If you want to be a hip guy, you need an iPhone.” But in reply he said: “You can boast, not only with an iPhone, but with every phone coming forth from Samsung’s factories.” Then the salesman took him along into the backroom, and showed him all the smartphones of Samsung and their glory, and he said to him: “Any of these phones I will give you if you sign here.” Then Slalomon said to him: “Go away, salesman! For it is written in my current contract, ‘minimum term of contract: 24 months.’” Then the salesman left him, and, look! other salespeople came and began to badger him.

  Slalomon continued to walk through the pedestrian area. And at a corner, look! there was a prophet, and he had a Watchtower in his hand. He opened his mouth and began to speak to the passersby, saying: “Happy are the morons, since they do not need to think. Happy are the fools, since they do not know that they are fools. Happy are the lunatics, since they will inherit the nuthouse. Happy are those who do not have a home, since they do not have to pay rent. Happy are the unhappy!”

  Slalomon could not stand the words of the prophet any longer, and he raised his voice and said to the listeners: “Be on the watch for the false prophets that come to you in suits and long skirts, but inside they are misguided nitwits. By their Watchtowers you will recognize them.”
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  The Proverbs of Slalomon

  My son, if you will receive my sayings and treasure up my own commandments with yourself, so as to pay attention to greed with your ear, that you may incline your heart to money; if, moreover, you call out for profit itself and you give forth your voice for moneymaking, if you keep seeking for it as for silver, and as for hid treasures you keep searching for it, in that case you will understand the world, and you will find the true life.

  My son, my flaw do not forget, and my stammering may your heart observe. Trust in your own understanding with all your heart and do not lean upon any gods or old books. Become wise in your own eyes.

  Happy is the man that has won the lottery, and the man that gets riches, for having money as gain is better than having coupons as gain.

  The wise man himself in wisdom founded his house. He solidly fixed the walls with stones. He will not need to be afraid of the big bad wolf, nor of the storm upon the wicked ones, because it is coming. For his stone house itself will withstand any storm and any huffing and puffing wolf.

  Do not hold back bad from those to whom it is owing, when it happens to be in the power of your hand to do it. Do not say to your fellowman: “I will come back and tomorrow I shall punish you” when you can do it at once.

  Into the Kingdom Hall do not enter, and do not walk straight on into the way of Jehovah’s Witnesses. Shun it, do not pass along by it; turn aside from it, and pass along. For they do not sleep unless they drop off during study. For they have fed themselves with the bread of the Watchtower, and the wine of the ‘true vine’ is what they drink. The path of the righteous ones is like the bright light that is getting lighter and lighter until the day is firmly established. But the way of Jehovah’s Witnesses is like the gloom; they are constantly in need of ‘brighter light’ and yet they keep walking in darkness.

  My son, to your money do pay attention. To your savings incline your ear. May they not get away from your account. Keep them in the midst of your wallet. More than all else that is to be guarded, safeguard your wallet, for out of it are the sources of life.

  As a honeycomb the lips of a Jehovah’s Witness woman keep dripping, and her palate is smoother than oil. But the aftereffect from her is as bitter as wormwood; it is as sharp as a two-edged sword. Her feet are descending to the Kingdom Hall. Her very steps take hold to field service. The path of normal life she does not contemplate. Her tracks have wandered she does not know where. Keep your way far off from alongside her, and do not get near to the entrance of her house, that you may not give to the Watchtower Society your dignity, nor your years to what is tedious; that strangers may not satisfy themselves with your power, nor the things you got by pain be in the Bethel.

  Drink beer from your own brewery, and tricklings out of the midst of your own well. Let your brewery prove to be blessed, and rejoice with the beer of your youth. Let its own foam intoxicate you at all times. With its alcohol may you be in an ecstasy constantly. So why should you, my son, be in an ecstasy with foreign beer?

  Go to the job center, you lazy one; see its job offerings and become busy. How long, you moron, will you stay with Jehovah’s Witnesses? When will you rise up from your spiritual sleep? A little more preaching, a little more studying, a little more folding of the hands in prayer, and your poverty will certainly come just like some rover, and your want like an armed man.

  There are six things that Slalomon does hate; yes, seven are things detestable to his soul: lofty prices, a spoiled ox tongue, and hands that are shedding innocent beer, a heart fabricating field service schemes, feet that are in a hurry to run to the Kingdom Hall, a Jehovah’s Witness that launches forth lies, and anyone studying the Watchtower.

  Say to wisdom: “You are my sister”; and may you call understanding itself “Kinswoman,” to guard you against the Jehovah’s Witness woman, against the publisher who has made her own sayings smooth. For at the window of my house, through my lattice I looked down, that I might peer upon the inexperienced ones. I was interested in discerning among the sons a young man in want of heart, passing along on the street near her corner, Saturday morning in the pedestrian area. And, look! there was a woman to meet him, with the garment of a Jehovah’s Witness and a long skirt. In her house her feet do not keep residing. Now she is outdoors, now she is in the public squares, and at every door she calls. She has put on a bold face, and she begins to say to him: “Have you ever wondered what the Bible really teaches? I would like to offer you a free home Bible course.” She has misled him by the abundance of her persuasiveness. By the smoothness of her lips she seduces him. All of a sudden he is going to the Kingdom Hall, like a bull that comes even to the slaughter, and he has not known that it involves his very soul. He that is walking with wise persons will become wise, but he that is having dealings with Jehovah’s Witnesses will fare badly.

  The eyes of Google are in every place, keeping watch upon the bad ones and the good ones.

  Better is a dish of vegetables where there is nothing else than an empty plate.

  The heart of the righteous one meditates so as to answer, but the mouth of the Jehovah’s Witnesses bubbles forth something from the Watchtower.

  The name of Jehovah is a derelict tower. Into it the righteous runs, and the tower collapses over him.

  Wine is a ridiculer, and everyone going astray by it is not wise. Better come to be among heavy drinkers of beer, among those who are gluttonous eaters of flesh.

  Better is it to dwell upon a corner of a roof than with a Jehovah’s Witness wife, although in a house in common.

  Who has woe? Who has uneasiness? Who has contentions? Who has concern? Who has wounds for no reason? Who has dullness of eyes? Those drinking the wrong beer, those coming in to search out foreign beer brands. Do not look at beer when it is cheap, when its price tag gives off its sparkle in the shelf, when it goes into the shopping basket with a slickness. Your own eyes will not see strange things, and your own heart will not speak perverse things. And you will certainly become like one that drank water. “I drank two liters of beer, but I did not become intoxicated. When shall I have consumed all bottles? I shall not purchase this brand anymore.” Do not be envious of sober men, and do not show yourself craving to get in with them.

  If the one hating you is hungry, give him cheap bread from the discount store to eat; and if he is thirsty, give him inferior beer to drink.

  A capable wireless carrier who can find? Its value is far more than that of corals.

  A good wife does not fear for her household because of the snow, for it never snows in Jerusalem. Her owner is someone known in the nuthouses.
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  The Book of Papayah

  “Therefore, look! there are days coming,” is the utterance of the prophet Papayah, “when a wild beast will ascend out of the sea, with seven heads and forty horns. And I shall put enmity between it and the crocodile and between its tail and its tail. Then there will be great tribulation such as has not occurred since the beginning of this year, no, nor will occur again this year. Only be courageous and very strong! And you must not desire your fellowman’s moth and rust. The cinnamon stars will fall from heaven, and there came to be evening and there came to be the day before yesterday, a twelfth day.”

  Six days later the Yeti went up into a lofty mountain by himself. And, look! there appeared to him Reinhold Messner and the Dalai Lama, conversing with him. Responsively the Yeti said: “Hear, now, you Russians! Is it from this crag that we shall bring out vodka for you?” So they went each one to his home. And the Dead Sea was parted, and in its western half there was iodized salt; but as for its eastern half there proved to be not any iodine in the salt. Then God rained down upon the sun, fire and sulphur, and the day came that was burning like the furnace, when the inhabitants of Jerusalem baked their bread with the leaven of the Pharisees.

  And an angel cried out with a strong voice, saying: “She has fallen! She has come exactly as a thief in the night! Whenever it is that they are saying: ‘Peace and security!’ then Jerusalem will be rebuilt and its sons and daughters will be removed by a missile from their own ground.” Now let them look for girls, virgins, beautiful ones, for myself, and they will have to get three seah measures of fine flour, knead the dough and make round cakes. Certainly if God did not hold back from punishing the bakers that baked inferior bread, but delivered them to trade control—according to their wish, this fact escapes their notice, that Amos was a herdsman and a nipper of figs of sycamore trees. And the desirable things of all the nations must come in and fill my wallet with glory.

  Happy is the man that has not walked in the counsel of the just ones, and in the way of holiness has not stood, but his delight is in sword and spear and javelin. And a sower went out to sow. And as he was sowing, some seed fell alongside the road, and it turned into four living creatures, and this was how they looked: Each one had four faces. The four of them had an owl’s face with a cat’s face to the right, and the four of them had a crocodile’s face on the left; the four of them also had a paleface and an interface. And the angel said to one of the four living creatures: “Look! You are beautiful! Your eyes are those of black-eyes peas. Your hair is smelling like a drove of goats that have not washed for months. Your teeth are as numerous as the sons of Ephraim, Sluthelah and Beared his son and Tahath his son and Smelleadah his son and Tahath his son, and Zabad his son and Shuthelah his son and Ezer and Smellead.”

  What sharing does light have with darkness? Further, what harmony is there between Christ and the Watchtower? Or what portion does a drunkard have with a teetotaler? And what agreement does Nebuzaradan the chief of the bodyguard have with Hobochadnezzar the King? As apples of gold in silver carvings is a contentious wife, although in a house in common. Where there is no wood returning to its vomit, the one hating you is hungry. But will God truly dwell with Jehovah’s Witnesses in Brooklyn? Look! Bethels, yes, the Bethels of the Bethels themselves, cannot contain God; how much less, then, this widemouthed cooking pot in Jerusalem and Judah?

  Adulteresses, do you not know when your husbands come home? You husbands, keep on loving your wives and do not be bitterly angry with the waste that comes first, along with apostasy, even before the man of lawlessness picks it up. And God went on to say: “Let the bio waste put forth maggots, living souls according to their kinds,” until the garbage collection came and swept them all away. And the utterance of the prophet Tequiljah is: “I saw all the packaging that was discarded under the sun, and, look! everything was vanity and a striving after wind.”

  At that time those in fear of Jehovah spoke with one another, each one with his homeowner, and their partner kept paying attention and listening. And a field service report slip began to be written up for those in fear of Jehovah. That is why, just as through one man sin entered into the congregation and field service report through sin, and thus field service spread to all Jehovah’s Witnesses because they had all witnessed—. For until disfellowshipping the publishers were stoned, they were tried, they were monitored, they went about in suits, in long skirts, while they were in want, in tribulation, under ill-treatment; and they were not worthy of the world. They wandered about in witnessing territories and at places where the need is great. So, then, because we have so great a cloud of morons surrounding us, let us also put off every weight and theWatchtower, for each one will carry his own witnessing bag.

  Eventually there rose another prophet in Israel; his name was Maracuyah. And Maracuyah was desperate because he has sown thorns and thistles in his garden, but still there did not grow grapes and figs. Finally Gold told him: “You fool! Never do people gather grapes from thorns or figs from thistles, do they? Do not be misled: Nature is not one to be mocked. For whatever a man is sowing, this he will also reap; because he who is sowing thistles will reap thistles, but he who is sowing with a view to fig trees will reap figs from the fig tree.” So let us not give up in fermenting the whole lump with a little leaven.

  And the word of God continued to occur to Maracuyah, saying: “What! Do you not know that Jehovah’s Witnesses will not inherit God’s kingdom? Do not be misled. Neither elders, nor ministerial servants, nor pioneers, nor circuit and district overseers, nor men who work at Bethel, nor members of the Governing Body will inherit God’s kingdom. And yet that is what some of you were. But you have been washed clean, but you have been disfellowshipped.” And the number of the apostates must become like the grains of the sand of the sea that cannot be measured or numbered.

  And then it occurred that the prophet Maracuyah went for shopping into a city. And he saw many people, more than usual, and there were also twenty-four elders dressed in long red coats, and upon their heads twenty-four pointed caps. And he asked a passerby: “Who are they?” And the passerby replied and said: “The great day of Santa Claus is near. It is near, and there is a hurrying of it very much. The sound of the bell of Santa Claus is loud. There a small child is letting out a cry. That day is a day of fury because of inappropriate gifts, a day of distress and of fear of one’s relatives, a day of alcohol and of fat food. And their relatives will cause distress to the people, and they will certainly walk like mad men; because they cannot stand their relatives.”

  And there must go forth a pig out of the stump of the Chinese; and out of his fridge a duck will be fried. And upon it vegetables and sauce must settle down, sweet-and-sour, and there will be enjoyment by the number forty-two. And the Cadillac will actually park for a while with the Rabbit, and a mere little boy will be the driver of them. And a woman shall say to her husband: “Your car will be my car, and your key my key. Where you drive I shall drive, and there is where I shall park. May God do so to me and add to it if anything but an accident should make a separation between me and you.”

  Now Jehovah invited Jonah for dinner, and he ordered a great fish and told Jonah to swallow it, so that in the end it took Jonah three days and three nights to eat it up. Jonah though developed fish poisoning and was plagued by heavy pangs, so that he said: “Take away, please, my soul from me, for my dying is better than my being alive.” After many days he recovered, and then he opened his mouth and said: “For a certainty I perceive that God cannot cook, which is why in every nation the man that offers him tasty sacrifices is acceptable to him.”

  Who is the liar if it is not the one that claims that Jehovah’s Witnesses teach the truth? This is the antichrist. And all these maledictions will certainly come upon you and pursue you and overtake you until you have been annihilated, because you did listen to the voice of Jehovah’s Witnesses by keeping their commandments and their statutes. May you have undeserved blindness and peas.

  Then Jehoo the son of Yahooshaphat stood up as king. One day Jehoo collected all the people together and said to them: “Now call all the witnesses of Jehovah, all the elders and all the ministerial servants to me. Do not let a single one be missing.” After that Jehoo sent through all Israel, so that all the Jehovah’s Witnesses came in. And not a single one was left over that did not come in. Then Jehoo entered with Yahoonadab the son of Raymond into the assembly hall. He now talked to the witnesses of Jehovah and read to them from the book of the crisis of conscience and explained to them the whole truth about the Watchtower Society, their doctrines, and their business affairs. And all the elders and ministerial servants came to know the truth. Then they brought out their bound Watchtower volumes and burned each one. Further, they pulled down the Kingdom Halls and pulled down the Bethel, and they kept it set aside for privies down to this day.

  Now a speech of the pope was broadcasted on television, and he said: “You wives, be in subjection to your own husbands, regardless of how many they might be, in order that they may be won without being able to say a word, because of having been earwitnesses of your loud conduct together with deep emotional outbursts. And do not let your adornment be that of the wearing of outer garments, but let it be the secret underwear, which is of great value in the eyes of a man. But know this, that in the last days critical times hard to deal with will be here. For men will be reasonable, lovers of their families, blasphemers, disobedient to popes, having no natural stupidity, not open to any method of torture, without love of badness, lovers of water rather than lovers of beer, having a form of alcoholism but proving false to its power; and from these turn away.” Now as for me, I heard, but I could not understand; so that I said: “What a load of nonsense!” One day God will speak to the pope: “Look! Small is what I have made you among the nations. You are despised very much.”

  With what are we to liken the kingdom of God, or in what illustration shall we set it out? Like a public toilet, which at the time it was built was absolutely clean—but when it has been built, it is defiled and becomes dirtier than all other buildings, so that the rats of the ground are able to find lodging under its shadow. Every male among Jehovah’s Witnesses will eat there. It is something most holy. “Look! Upon the mountains the feet of one bringing ‘good news,’ one distributing the Watchtower. I wrote something to the congregation, but the elders do not receive anything with respect.”

  If any man is reaching out for an office of circuit overseer, he is desirous of a bloody stupid work. The circuit overseer should therefore be nuts, a husband of at least one wife, sick in mind, disorderly, misanthropic, qualified to drink, a drunken brawler, a smiter, having children in subjection with all violence. Once a circuit overseer paid a visit to an elderly sister, and she said to him: “I have no wine.” But the circuit overseer replied to her: “What have I to do with you, woman? How am I supposed to survive the afternoon without alcohol? And you must not boil a goatlike apostate in his mother’s milk!”

  Woe to those who are scheming what is harmful, and to those practicing what is bad, in their witnessing territories! By the light of the morning they proceed to do it, because it is in the power of their hand. And they have desired territories and have seized them; also houses, and have taken them; and they have told lies to the people there. It is necessary to shut the mouths of these, as these very men keep on subverting entire households by teaching things they ought not. These men are murmurers, complainers about their lot in life, proceeding according to their own desires, and their mouths speak swelling things.

  Now it came to be the day when the elders entered into the Kingdom Hall to take their station before the circuit overseer, and even Satan proceeded to enter right among them. And it came about at that time that the neighbor of an elder proceeded to rise from his sofa and caught sight of the elder’s wife. So he came in to her and he lay down with her, while her husband was attending the Kingdom Ministry School. Later he returned to his house.

  Wake up, you drunkards, and weep; and howl, all you wine drinkers, on account of sweet wine, for it has been cut off from your mouths. For from now on you shall drink beer. Woe to the one saying to the piece of paper: “Awake! O do awake!” to a Watchtower: “It itself will give instruction”! This is the deceiver and the antichrist.
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  The Book of Chihuajah

  These are the words of Chihuajah the prophet: “Furthermore, it is you Jehovah’s Witnesses God made dead though you were alive according to the system of things of this world, according to the ruler of the authority of the fresh air, the spirit that now operates in the worldlings. Yes, among them you all at one time conducted yourselves in harmony with nature, doing the things that normal people do, and you were naturally normal people even as the rest. But God, who is rich in wrath, made you dead together with the Christ, even when you were alive. Now choose for yourselves today whom you will serve, whether the gods that your parents who were in the congregation served or the gods of the worldlings in whose land you are dwelling. But as for me and my household, we shall not serve Jehovah.”

  Now the Governing Body members were old, advanced in days; and they would cover them with banknotes, but they would not feel warm. Keep this mental attitude in you that was also in Charles Taze Russell, who, although he was a haberdasher by trade, gave no consideration to a normal career, namely, that he should be equal to his father. No, but he sold his business and grew a long beard and came to be in the likeness of prophets. More than that, when he wrote books and tracts and sold them in all the world, he found morons who printed and distributed his books for free. And the Bible Students proceeded to do what was bad in the eyes of Jehovah, so that he sold them into the hand of Rutherford the Judge. O how they have come to be without a vision, the people that was abundant with end-time prophecies! Finally God said: “How long will this people treat me without respect? Let me strike them with pestilence and drive them away.” At length the wall came to completion.

  God did not hold back from punishing a former Governing Body, but sent Joseph F. Rutherford, a preacher of hogwash, to prison with seven others, not forsaking the gathering of himself and the devil together, as some have the custom, but encouraging Satan, and all the more so as he behold the day that he himself determined drawing near. Likewise he desires the women to adorn themselves in short dress, with pertness and a sense of beauty, not with special witnessing bag or very long skirt, for a wife is bound during all the time her husband is awake. But if her husband should fall asleep, she is free to do what she wants, only with a man. And the Watchtower Society who was misleading them was hurled into the lake of fire and sulphur, where both the pope and Enron already were; and they will be tormented with Kingdom Melodies day and night forever and ever, all the days until the conclusion of the system of things.

  When will these things be, and what will be the sign of the conclusion of the system of the Watchtower? For God loved the world so much that the love of the Father is not in him, which is why everyone exercising faith in him might not have everlasting life but be destroyed. A calm heart is the life of the fleshly organism, but witnessing is rottenness to the bones. For there is more happiness in receiving than there is in giving. Thus do not be anxious over anything, but in everything by wish lists and verbal remarks let your petitions be made known to Santa Claus.

  Go therefore and make food staples of people of all the nations, terrorizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the holy spirit, and do do not be irritating them, but go on bringing them up in the discipline and mental-regulating of the solid food that belongs to mature people. That statement is faithful. As newborn infants, form a longing for the unadulterated beer belonging to the brewery, that through it you may grow to salvation. Look! I am sending my mailman, and he must bring a parcel to you. For the online retailers are alive and exert power, and their prices are sharper than any two-edged sword and are able to ruin independent shops. Consequently I entreat you to present your wallets a sacrifice living, holy, acceptable to businessmen. Certainly if anyone does not provide for the rich, and especially for the super-rich, he has disowned the faith and is worse than a jobless person.

  In the beginning God created death and mourning and outcry and pain. And Jehovah God proceeded to form the moron out of dust from the ground and to blow into his nostrils the breath of life, and the moron came to be a living soul. And you, o worm, the one too little to get to be among the elephants of Africa, you will be eaten by a bird who will defile the car of the one who is to become ruler in Israel. For God knows that in the very day of your eating from the fly agaric you will positively die, and you are bound to be like God. For you should drive away instead of staying at home. Let your vacation come. Let your towel lie, as on your own deckchair, also on another.

  Further, Santa Claus blessed them and he said to them: “Be fruitful and become many and fill the malls and subdue them. And you should know and have the insight that from the going forth of the word to restore and to rebuild the Christmas fair until Epiphany, there will be roughly thirty-five days, also sixty days. For religion is a root of all sorts of injurious things, and by reaching out for this nonsense some have been led astray from reason and have stabbed their fellows all over with many pains. My lord, you are the one that knows!”

  But if any widow has children or grandchildren, let these make their robes white in the blood of the lamb first. For in the beginning the detergent was, and the detergent was near the washing machine, and the washing machine was broken. Which really is the faithful and discreet detergent that its master appointed over his washing machine, to wash him his clothes at the proper time? But as for the detergent you must not eat from it, for in the day you eat from it you will positively become clean. Be obedient to those who are doing the laundry among you; that they may do this with detergent and not with muriatic acid, for this would be damaging to you. Moreover, without clean laundry it is impossible to please God well, for he that approaches God must believe that he eats and bring him something to eat.

  Put your eyes into the sewer system and see. Who has created these things? It is the One who is bringing forth the rats even by number, all of whom he calls even by name. And he made a covenant with the cockroaches, for a kingdom according to the system of things of this world. This means everlasting vomiting, their taking in dishes from McDonalds, and of the one who follows, Burger King. All crap is produced by God’s creatures and beneficial for dying, for vomiting, for gritting one’s teeth, for abstaining from righteousness, that the man be fully incompetent for living. For this reason a man will leave his father and his wife and will stick to his mother, and the two will be one flesh.

  For there has been a piglet born to us, there has been a calf given to us; and a delicious roast will come to be made from its shoulder. And its name will be called roast beef, escalope, veal shank, calves liverwurst. Do not be misled. Bad associations spoil useful dietary habits. For vegetarians will be without natural affection, not open to any steak, slanderers, without barbecue, fierce, without love of pork roast. But you are “a chosen race, a holy nation, a people for special possession, and I will rock all the butchers, and the desirable things of all the animal species must come in; and I will fill your stomachs with glory for an administration at the full limit of your stomachs, namely, to gather all foods together again in the stomach, the animal-based foods and the plant-based foods. But you will receive power when the holy spirit arrives upon you, and you will be witnesses of me both in your own bathroom and in every public toilet and to the most distant public privy. And the peace of God that excels all smell will guard your noses, and you will find refreshment for your souls.”

  Train up a boy according to the way for him. “And I shall put enmity between him and his mother and between his PlayStation and her record player. For then I shall give to youths the change to a pure language, in order for their parents to not understand them anymore. And you will ask your son something when you sit in your house and when you walk on the road and when you lie down and when you get up, but there will be no one answering, and there will be no paying of attention.”

  Everything he has made pretty in its time. Even mold he has put in the bathroom, that mankind may never be able to clean the bathroom from the start to the finish. You must pray, then, this way: “Our Father in the heavens, let my bathroom be cleaned. Let my cleaning bucket come. And do not bring us into the puddle, but deliver us from the dirt.” But there is new mold and new dust that we are awaiting according to his promise, and these will also dwell in the bathroom. For his invisible qualities are clearly smelt from the world’s creation onward, because they are perceived by the things made in the bathroom. “Truly I say to you, even the twelve apostles will themselves sit upon twelve toilets, judging the twelve flies as they look intently at the Chief Agent and Perfecter of their business, the toilet paper.”

  “If anyone wants to come after me, let him get behind the wheel and follow me continually. But let every soul be in subjection to the superior authorities when they regulate the flow of traffic. Happy are those conscious of the road traffic regulations and who from infancy have known the traffic signs, which are able to make you wise for driving. Deaden, therefore, your car parts as respects the accelerator pedal. The lamp of the car is the headlight. If, then, your headlight is broken, the whole road will be dark, and the police will stop you. After these things I saw, and, look! a great amount of cars, which no man was able to number, out of all brands and colors and types, standing in a traffic jam on the motorway; and there were tires at their wheels. Be wrathful, and yet do not sin; let the sun not set with you in a provoked state. By this all will know that you are idiots, if you honk loudly.”

  I am giving you a new commandment as respects fornication, uncleanness, sexual appetite, and hurtful desire, that you love one another; just as I have loved you, that you also love one another. For nation will rise against nation and kingdom against kingdom, and there will be lousy music and ridiculous costumes in one place after another. And this good news of the Eurovision Song Contest will be preached in all the inhabited earth for a witness to all the TV viewers; and then the show will come. Do not marvel at this, because the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will perform there. And because of their singing all the tribes of the earth will beat themselves in lamentation. But we have hope toward God, which hope these men themselves also entertain, that there is going to be an outage of both the video and the audio transmission. And you will know the off button, and the off button will set you free.

  And God proceeded to create the fools in his image; stupid and damn stupid he created them. And to the train riders he said: “I shall greatly increase the pain of your train journeys; with frozen feed you will get off because the heating is broken, and your craving will be for the summer when the air condition had been out of order. And you must keep abstaining from coaches full of football supporters and from beer and from things vomited and from lubrication. Even If you carefully keep yourselves from these things, you will not prosper though. Good health to you!” For the railroad was subjected to filthiness, not by its own will but through those that subjected it, on the basis of hope that the railroad itself also will be set free from enslavement to football supporters and have the glorious freedom of the true railroad. “You express trains, continue dwelling in like manner with the local trains according to knowledge, assigning them honor as to a weaker vessel, the slower one. For here I am creating new trains and new engines; and the former trains will not be called to the station, neither will they come up in the timetable. Truly I say to you that this generation will by no means pass away until all these things occur.”

  And I saw the spiritually dead, the great and the small, standing on the stage, and microphones were switched on. And the singers were judged out of those things they let loose according to their singing. But Randy Jackson became wrathful, and his own wrath came, and the appointed time for the singers to be judged, and to bring to ruin those ruining the earth with their singing. Happy are the deaf-dumb, for they do not hear it. So, then, because we have so great a cloud of idiots surrounding us, let us also put off the remote control and the TV paper that easily entangles us. “Truly I tell you today, You will be without TV in paradise.”

  “But I want you to know that the head of every mouse is the cat; in turn the head of a cat is the dog; in turn the head of the dog is the man. And you, o cook, remember your grand fryolator in the days of your work, before the hungry guests proceed to come and complain about the long wait. And you shall subdue the fish of the sea and the flying creatures of the heavens and the domestic animals and every moving animal that is moving upon the earth, and you shall prepare them. And there will be great pancakes, and in one place after another fruits and vegetables; and there will be tasteful cakes and from the confectionary great strawberry pies. Furthermore, when you see the bakery surrounded by upset customers and food control officers, then know that the closure of it has drawn near.”

  Is there anyone sick among you? Let him call the physicians, and let them prescribe medication, putting him to death in the name of the pharmaceutical industry. And the physicians gathered them together to the place that is called in English golf course. Therefore, since we have these promises, beloved ones, let us cleanse ourselves of every disease of flesh and spirit, and let us not become unevenly yoked with physicians. For whenever it is that they are saying: “Here is your prescription!” then sudden destruction is to be instantly upon you as the pang of distress upon a pregnant woman; and you will by no means escape.