I need some input: I have come to the conclusion my wife blames me for her lack of spirituality

by goingthruthemotions 31 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

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  goingthruthemotions

  So lately my wife and I have been arguing alot. Not big arguments...but more of a bickering.

  You see, over the last year i have stepped down as an MS and we moved halls. last November was around the time I woke.

  during this time we still have family studies....but only from the bible. Also we don't associate with other witness folk...I feel most of them are to untrust worthy and not real friends.

  she then starts accusing me of not being spiritual. I am like huh? I read the bible everyday.

  she thinks the only way to be spiritual is by studying the WT and Awake. She thinks this is the food from the FDS.( she is so brain washed)

  she said she doesn't respect me anymore spiritually because of this and it is causing us not to grow spiritually. again please keep in mind we still have family studies and go to the meetings. but also we have been missing alot of meetings...but not on my accord. it is her different reasons. which i am more than happy to miss the meetings.

  she is not as zealous as she thinks and feels guilty for somekind of make belief idea of what spirituality should be. maybe like the pictures she see's in the WT and awake. you know the kind that isn't reality. (she is soooooo brainwashed)

  you see even when i was very active and we went on service, it was always me going to the doors. always me answering at the meetings. now adays She very rarely answers. and I never answer.....nor do the kids.

  well anyways she made a comment yesterday that it is because of me that she is not spiritual and i said....we are each individualy accountable for our own spirituality and everyone in the world is at different levels of spirituality and some time we have more and sometimes less.

  she didn't agree about this she said it should never change, i was like . ( I truely believe my wife has a very low IQ in this matter)

  but the cult has her brainwashed to some kind of who knows what exponential growth we should have spiritually. (did i mention she is so brainwashed)

  when i talk with her about the stupid WTBTS it's like talking to a brick wall. she gets in cult mode.

  Any ideas how i could handle this situation would be great and ideas to break the cult mind.

  thanks all

  GTTM
• 

  sporece

  Of course she blames you...that's what wives do in the "truth" you are the spiritual head and if things are not right or going well the finger is pointed at you and somehow they start feeling they don't have Jehovah's blessing because once again you do not take the truth seriously.

  Don't have the answer for you, i went through the same thing and ended up in divorce after 26 years.

  Good luck and wish you the best.
• 

  jgnat

  I'd say she is projecting.

  http://marriage.about.com/cs/conflictandanger/ht/fightfair.htm

  You are NOT responsible for her spirituality.
• 

  Pams girl

  You are responsible for neither her spirituality nor attitude.

  She is responsible for herself.
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  SophieG

  I've been there both in your wife's shoes and in yours towards the end before I eventually left. It's basically codependency spirituality/religiousity.

  just ask her calmly if something were to happen to you and you were no longer here would she carry on serving Jah without you? In essence you've taken responsibility for your salvation she has to take her own. Now it may make her flip and go uber zealous....or she may start wondering why you're really pulling away and ask questions.

  Best wishes.
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  and i said....we are each individualy accountable for our own spirituality and everyone in the world is at different levels of spirituality and some time we have more and sometimes less.

  If you can stand it, show her a Watchtower article that confirms that what you said is correct. Then stick with what you have said already.
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  prologos

  Could it be that with you regressing in Wt involvment, that she realizes now, that her worth , her image in the congregation will be silch, without a husband of elder status?.
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  steve2

  Each spouse in a JW marriage is like a child who is parented by the GB. While it can be incredibly annoying to be so controlled, it also provides lots of safe holding and like a child, you don't need to think too much. Let the parent worry about it! Nice.

  However, if one spouse wakes up and decides they no longer want to act like a child or be treated like one and instead feels a growing need to face the prospect of behaving more adult-like, the other spouse is going to feel very scared and cry and whine like a child. Whahhh! Whahhh! I'm scared - you've changed and you're making me sad and I'm losing my spirituality Whahh Whahh!

  So, yes, it is truly difficult when you are now an adult and your spouse whimpers like a child and says silly things to you like blaming you for her lack of spirituality.

  Do you spend all your free time soothing and reassuring her?

  Or do you respond bluntly to her and tell her to grow up for goodness sake and stop the whining?

  Both extremes are likely not helpful - especially to someone you love.

  Perhaps a blend of the two: You can express genuine validation about her feeling very scared and threatened that the man she loves and married has changed, and you can at the same time, start demonstrating some assertiveness around your responses to some of her emotional blackmail behaviour.

  If she wants to reach you, she has to talk in a normal voice because you find it hard to accurately hear her when she speaks in a high-pitched little girl's voice. And when she shows even some small signs of starting to behave like an adult? Offer loads of praise and cheerlead her courage and determination to act more in accord with her chronological age.
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  hamsterbait

  WOMEN always blame somebody else. Ask any husband.
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  Comatose

  I received some excellent advice when I first joined this site and was going through what you are going through. My wife did similar things as well by the way. She is now fully out, and completely happy. My wife didn't talk at doors in field service and didn't make comments, She was not even on the school. If our child was even slightly sick she would be more than happy to stay home. If I was sick she wouldn't go to the meetings without me. But, if I tried to stay home instead of going to a meeting, without a great excuse, she complained, acted hurt, and like I was failing.

  Back to the excellent advice that I received when I first joined. Right now, with your wife judging your spirituality or lack thereof, and looking at you critically, you need to be the very best husband that you have ever been in your marriage. You need to open doors for her, carry things for her, say I love you, do some laundry or dishes if she usually does. Clean the house for her or just start cleaning a room without being asked. I don't mean any of the things I just said in a sexist way. I have change so much since leaving the JW's. But in the cult, very often Women do most of the things around the house, even if they have a full-time job. That's not fair at all if you think about it. Both spouses are working full time but one of them does the lion share of things around the house. You may already be doing with all of these things I just said, I am not trying to act like you were not. But, what ever your wife appreciates do more of that! I feel that what really helped me with my wife, was letting her see that just because some things were changing with me in regards to meeting attendance or studying watchtower publications, did not mean that I was becoming bad.

  Good luck!