tough year

GoUnion

hello everyone just wanted to give a litte update on my leaving JWs. i was an active ms up till the beginning of this year and things were going pretty good up till now. my wife is active and that has been tough but we were managing.

two months ago my older brother passed of a sudden heart attack. he left behind a wife and two young children. he was quite a bit older then me so i didnt grow up with him during my teenage years and he was inactive in my early 20s, so i was never as close as i felt i should be. we started to reconnect a litte bit the last few years as i moved closer to him, but this has been a shock that i am really having trouble dealing with. im not an emotional person and cannot remember the last time i've cried but during the week after his death i really had trouble keeping it together, crying often.

i feel so bad for my sister in law and my neices, i live a few miles from them thankfully, but i still feel like i can never be over enough. i am having a hard time finding a balance between work, taking care of myself,(my brother had high bp, and so do i, its genetics, im in fairly decent shape), and taking care of daily affairs, and having a social life.

then, fast forward to this week, my wife and i will be going through a divorce. she has a had a hard time with my changes, she has listened to some of the facts i have shared with her, but, utlimately was not convinced. we had a calm discussion, but both came to the conclusion we are going seperate ways. is it better to get a divorce when you don't hate each other, but simply want to avoid the inevitable conflicts?

i dont fully know how i feel about this idea of divorce. clearly i am not the man she married, we both have different goals, and we are fairly young to start over in life. my main concern is my wife during this transition, she works, but makes barely enough to surivive on her own. we have talked and neither want to get lawyers involved but, i feel i need to help her financially still because i feel responsible for the break up. it seems to be the only solution, and if i am completely honest i think i need to sever all ties with this organization. at the same time i never intended to hurt anyone, and it makes me ill to think i might make my wife struggle in life now.

yeah, it has been a difficult last two months, i would appreciate any advice you have. this forum has been very helpful.

ruderedhead

GoUnion, I'm truly sorry for the loss of your brother, and the demise of your marriage. Please keep an eye on your BP, you have some serious stress factors in your life right now.

Have you and your wife considered marriage counseling? I am assuming you still love her. Right now staying together for a while and trying to work through the problems may be a solution for you both, emotionally and financially. If you can't reconcile thingsin the end, you will have tried. I believe you have far too much going on right now to make a decision such as divorce. Take a little more time and try the counseling, please. Who knows, maybe something will happen to make her doubt the WT.

Take care of your health, my friend.

LisaRose

I am sorry you are going through a tough time. I lost my brother this year also, so I totally understand what you are going through.

Divorce is rough, but if all you had was the religion in common, then maybe it's for the best, as you say, you are young and can start over. I guess I understand why you want to help your wife financially, that's understandable, but make sure it has an end date, she could have stayed and make it work, that is what the religion tells her to do, so if she wanted a divorce, that is her choice, but she has to accept the consequences.

Balaamsass2

So sorry for so many changes. Try to step back and relax a bit, take a small trip, have some fun. Really consider a Mental Health pro. - sometimes just talking out loud in a safe environment clarifies things. Having a heart attack will complicate things further.

Perhaps your can help underwrite your wife enhancing her job skills with a certificate course at the local JC while still living together? In 3-6 months she might be self supporting and things might be different. Being busy mentally might help her develop some reasoning skills as well.

"When you are going through HELL....keep going" Churchill

zeb

Have you two gone to a counsellor. For goodness sake go!

Crazyguy

It is tough, they see all who leave or are opposed as being the enemy of god and they don't or can't see anything else even when the evidence is staring them in the face. If you are young and don't have children then as bad as its hurts maybe you should move on. Now that I am mentally out I see people without the judgmental mentality. I see the world for what it really is and I see myself and other people with more raw emotion. JW's are stuck in a mind bent reality and can never really appreciate anything as long as their in this state. I don't think one can ever really have a close connected emotional relationship with one of these people. Staying with her may just do more harm then good. JMO

Theredeemer

Go see a counselor. In the end you want to look back and know you did everything you could to save the marriage.

humbled

Go to counseling to understand what has happened--even if you know why a break-up is pending, maybe she needs to look at the rigid line of JW married life. See it through another person's perspective.

But I would leave if there is no emotion, passion for life that you share.

You are good to be thinking of her welfare--but she is stuck in an impoverished world in more ways than one. Perhaps offer her financial help if she will get training to better her income-earning capacities. Sisters I knew had their backs and knees wear out from housecleaning jobs.

sorry about your brother. I'm glad you got to be around him more these past years.

zeb

and have no fear of shedding your tears..

stuckinarut2

Wow bro...I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles!

I don't want to offer a meaningless empty set of words, so please be assured that I genuinely feel empathy for you and your situation.

I wish I could wave a magic wand to make it all better, but that isn't an option.

All I can say is, please take time to think things through before acting too rashly. Remember that when a series of stressful events occur in life, we sort of go into a 'survival mode'. However, you don't want to make serious decisions or become locked into a situation you regret as a result.

I live by a great expression now. Perhaps it may assist you:

"Those who fail to plan, Plan to fail." So take your time and don't act too rashly.

tough year

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