by goingthruthemotions 17 Replies latest jw experiences
It sounds like neither of you respects the beliefs of the other. We don't have to respect beliefs but we do need to respect someone's right to believe them. You need to learn how to help your spouse instead of inciting arguments. I was there. I used to do that. I drop little thoughts now for my JW wife instead of engaging in open warfare on beliefs.
Steven Hassan's RELEASING THE BONDS and/or FREEDOM OF MIND can help you do this.
Go to counseling.
It's easier for them to accept the counselor telling them they are wrong than it is to accept it from you.
Doc
get advice Onthewayout,
Alphaman: the only person in her immediate family thats a jw is her mom and she is very old. her husband (not my wifes dad) is ubuer dubber but setting a bad example with our family right now.
on my side no one is in.
if she saiid right now i am not ever going back, i would not be hard.
and BTW: I don't speak to no one at the hall. no go out on service. maybe once a month for a coffee break. LOL
GTTM
It is hard to be on the receiving end of negative feedback from one's spouse. I had a definite ouch moment when you said in the OP you told your wife her love was conditional. The poor woman! What did you really expect her to say? "Oh, I hadn't realized honey! Tell me more. I need to learn from your feedback on how to be a more unconditionally loving woman!"
I cannot stress enough that we humans respond far more positively to positive feedback, to hearing that others expect good things for us. Even negative behaviours do not benefit from being tackled front-on (unless we are talking about egregious, deal-breaker behaviours such as mental, physical and/or sexual abuse).
Catch your wife doing good. Tell her how much it means to you. Model unconditional love to her. If you have unconditional love for her, how come you chip away at her beliefs they way you do? Is that showing what unconditional love is like in action?
I acknowledge it is damn hard when your spouse holds religious beliefs that lead to her behaving in ways you do personally abhor. But lead by example. Hell, if you cannot show unconditional love to her when no one is making you do something against your beliefs, how can you expect her to show unconditional love when her belief system stops her? She actually has a tougher road to recovery than you.
As for her using expletives: Check with her whether she is using the polite version of "Fuck" (spelling "Phuck"). Evidently, religious people who exclaim "Phuck" during times of heated exchanges maintain good consciences before their God because they are not using the offensive version.
Evidently, religious people who exclaim "Phuck" during times of heated exchanges maintain good consciences before their God because they are not using the offensive version.
Why don't you get her df'd so she understands? Saying the f word, not bowing to your headship, talking to df'd family and probably a host of other things. The nuclear option-get her df'd.
Naturally your life would only get more hellish but it is an option.
Arguing with a jw about jw-ism never, ever ends well and never will.
Alphaman: the only person in her immediate family thats a jw is her mom and she is very old. her husband (not my wifes dad) is ubuer dubber but setting a bad example with our family right now. on my side no one is in. if she saiid right now i am not ever going back, i would not be hard. and BTW: I don't speak to no one at the hall. no go out on service. maybe once a month for a coffee break. LOL
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GTTM.......you are already mentally out. Need to get out completely and quit wasting life in this ridiculous cult. Sounds like it really wouldn't take much to get your wife to join you in leaving. I'm sure your kids would be thrilled.
For me....I was an elder, but seen some crazy mixed up crap that made me finally reason that there is no way an intelligent creator of the universe would only use this dysfunctional group of people with their wacky beliefs as the one true religion. The fact that my children were at the age to where I could still give them a normal childhood was the deciding factor in me just walking away. That was 19 years ago. Leave now while you can still give your kids a normal cult-free childhood.
Thanks Alpha,
I am trying, very slowly. like i told her, i made a mistake by getting us involved with the JW's and I am sorry. she didn't say anything.
GTTM
