Thank you for posting that great advice, TM. Beautifully and honestly written.
You have to be strong
by troubled mind 21 Replies latest jw friends
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under the radar
Well said, Sir.
I also thank Simon for making this site available. No telling how many people it has helped, in real and tangible ways. Maybe he should be counting his time. I guarantee he's done more good with this than any amount of field circus time.
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blondie
tm, I understand. I felt so much better when my husband and I finally walked away (faded) 13 years ago. The first weekend with no d2d and no meetings was relaxing and invigorating. I never felt fading was intended to be years long. It does sort things out, employment, getting loose of jw financial ties, finding new friends and activities, moving perhaps, learning how family treat you when you are only inactive, how the ex handles child custody, who runs away or freezes you when you run into them.
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troubled mind
This past weekend I had a discussion with a relative that really got me thinking about how much I have changed over the past few years . The relative is in her late 60's and grew up in a JW family ,but she never got baptized herself . She married my husbands Uncle that is an atheist . None of their children are religious .She has continued over the years to read JW literature and to communicate with her JW reelatives ,but she has never attended meetings or conventions. So anyways we were alone for a few moments and I asked her if she thought there was anything I could do to open up better communication with my Witness In Laws (that she is very close to)
She said, " No I don't think there is anything you can do ...you know they were very hurt when you left the Witnesses ,and I was really hurt too !"........This took me by surprise ...Why in the world should she be hurt ? I said to her why I could no longer practice something I did not believe to be true ,and she cut me short and said ,"Well I believe it is the truth " ....Very confusing to me that she admits this yet does not pratice the religion whatsoever ,she has always celebrated birthdays ,holidays .
But this is how I know I have grown ....A few yrs ago I would have been crushed to know I had caused someone to feel hurt .I would have accepted all blame and done whatever I could to make it better . However now I handled and processed the information quite differently . I listened to her then said ,"Well I know for my husband and I we have made the best decision for our happiness.I researched and found what I used to believe was not based on truth ,but changing mens opinions. My husband is no longer moody and depressed ,but actively enjoying his life and really happy . I am sorry his Mom is misssing out seeing that ."
I did not apologize for our choices ,and I did not accept any blame . She still treats us kindly and welcomes us to her home ,but it was so very strange to know how she reallly feels underneath .
Years ago I had a therapist try to get through to me that I am not responsible for other peoples feelings ,and I could just never commprehend what he was trying to teach me . Finally I think I understand ,and I realize I can not change anyone but myself .
As time passes you start to see the progress of leaving cult like thinking behind . It is quite the journey .
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Lostwun
Troubled mind This was just the encouragement i needed today to lift my spirits again as it was a tough one dealing with all my emotions today. Thank you for words of encouragement to us all. -
DesirousOfChange
TroubledMind: Years ago I had a therapist try to get through to me that I am not responsible for other peoples feelings ,and I could just never comprehend what he was trying to teach me .
That is a very powerful statement. I think I was accustomed to always walking on egg shells to avoid hurting the feelings of others, often causing hurt feelings in my own family because they should be self-sacrificing and "deal with it". Others (the Cong) always got 1st place -- that "Seek first the Kingdom" thing, right? It's a habit that's hard to break. Hope the therapy helped.
Doc
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flipper
TROUBLED MIND- Excellent thoughts in your thread . Thanks for posting those thoughts ! I experienced similar things you did being born and raised in the JW cult. Freedom of mind is one of the biggest things I treasure as well after exiting the JW's 12 years ago- not being TOLD what to think but using critical thinking skills to make my own decisions. I wish it didn't take me until age 44 - over 12 years ago for it to happen- but it happened when it happened and I'm going to make the best use of my life from here on out ! It's all we can do - spread positive vibrations ! Peace out, Mr. Flipper -
clarity
TM .......hi again> It is an amazing thing to recognize your own growth. It proves to me more & more just how much we were 'mind controlled' as jw's! A similar thing happened to me also after bumping in to die hard jw & actually experiencing his dark doomsday outlook. First things out of his mouth were how very terrible the world is, how awful people were .....more trouble bla bla bla. HonestlyI after I walked away from him I felt contaminated, almost went home & took a shower!!! UGH ,,,, what an outlook on life!
BUT ........I knew that 5 yrs ago I might have joined him in that sick view of life!
love all you guys on here ....best wishes to the more or less NEWBIES & congratulations on your escape!
clarity
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life is to short
TM
What you wrote here was myself to a tee. When I was a Witness there were so many times that I just rolled over, and did anything to please others no matter how I was affected . I often would just think I was wrong ,and everyone else was right . I felt like a doormat .
That was totally me. I jumped through hoops and hoops trying to please everyone and hating myself for going against my principals. I was always being put down and made to feel horrible for not doing what was demanded of me.
I just realized that this post is 8 months old but I saw it at a perfect time. I worked late last night cleaning a home that my job is moving out of. I started cleaning for her 11 years ago when she bought the home. 11 years ago she asked me to do a deep clean for her before she moved in and the house was really dirty. I spent about 20 hours over the weekend cleaning it. She paid me well for my time and hired me to clean for her every two weeks since.
Last night as I was cleaning for the final time and it was so much easier than when she moved in because she and I both had maintained the home. What I remembered the most about the first time of cleaning for her was the huge fight that I got into with my husband over it because I had to miss a Saturday of field service.
My husband blew up at me telling me I was taking time from Jehovah for money, etc. Last night I was remembering how sad I was 11 years ago, how I did not even want to go home. We needed the money going out in service was not feeding us and paying our bills, My cleaning homes were. The move in was such hard work as the previous owners had not been clean. I even took time to make the talk and WT that Sunday. I was so wiped that I slept though the whole meeting. But crazy as it was I was there.
I just remember how horrible I felt the way my husband was treating me for working. I part of me just wanted to die and another part of me was so happy because I made the home look so great just cleaning it. Not that I am bragging but I must of done something right because she kept me working for her for the next 11 years.
Its just so sad how the JW's put you down and make you feel so low for being normal and trying to make a living instead of living off the government. It's also sadly funny that many of those who put me down were making a really good living and have new car, etc. Yet I could never see it for some stupid reason. When they put me down I just accepted their view of me. Crazy looking back now.
I am such a different person now than I was 11 years ago. I do not go out in service anymore. Haven't since 09. I am trying so hard to not let what others tell me affect me so negatively.
I loved your post from 8 months ago about your relative in her 60's who told you that you hurt her for leaving the religion. When I was told things like that I used to also just go into such a dark place in my mind, even thinking of suicide at times. I loved what you said here A few yrs ago I would have been crushed to know I had caused someone to feel hurt .I would have accepted all blame and done whatever I could to make it better
11 years ago that would have been me. Now as you said I am trying to change. I think you said it well here I did not apologize for our choices ,and I did not accept any blame . As time passes you start to see the progress of leaving cult like thinking behind . It is quite the journey .
Thank you for such a great post.
LITS
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Billy the Ex-Bethelite
you know they were very hurt when you left the Witnesses ,and I was really hurt too !
All things considered, that's some ridiculously low pain tolerance. Translation: "Well I'm hurt that you didn't keep wasting your life doing sh!t that I don't waste my time doing."
And as a JW is wasn't just wasting time and energy trying to make other people happy. It was also wasting time and energy, passing up opportunities for education and relationships, etc. in order to make an invisible Bronze Age desert god happy. A fictional sky-daddy that is never, ever happy.